[vday] [kinki] and now for something a little different [wip]
Title: and now for something a little different
Rating: g
Summary: In which no one is kidnapped, a transexual, or quite sane, but there is a lot of gender confusion. ♥
Warning: woke up female!fic
Notes: genderswitched characters are referred to by the gender pronoun that the POV character sees them as. IE: Koichi thinks of himself as 'he' even as a girl, while Tsuyoshi uses 'she'.
It happens like this.
Koichi wakes up about noon, having gone to sleep close to dawn. It's warm enough - and really, there are enough heating units and humidifiers - in his apartment that he sleeps naked. He stretches, long and lazy beneath the covers and a hand comes up to scratch at his stomach. It's not quite familiar beneath his fingertips. This is the first sign.
Nonetheless, mornings are not friendly so Koichi stumbles to his feet and staggers towards the bathroom, eyes closed. He reaches for something that is very much not there and the resulting shriek wakes not only himself, but half his apartment block which is how the legend of Domoto Koichi grows.
*
Tsuyoshi wakes up, takes a moment to contemplate, and goes shopping.
*
To Nagase's credit - or perhaps to his shame - he's well acquainted to being woken up by semi-hysterical girls calling him at the break of dawn. Or perhaps afternoon when he is still groggy sleeping off a late night drama shooting wrap up and the consequent afterparty.
To be fair, though, it isn't often that the hysterical girls claim to be Koichi.
Today is the first.
Hopefully the last, also.
"Well, okay," Nagase says cautiously into the phone. "You just keep on being Koichi. In Koichi's apartment. Don't go anywhere."
"You're an ass," hysterical girl hisses and Nagase has to admit that it does kind of sound like Koichi, were Koichi an alto.
Koichi is not an alto, though, so Nagase just makes placating noises into his phone and with one last regretful look at his bed, gets dressed to go over to Koichi's apartment to save him from the crazy fangirl holding him hostage.
It happens.
*
It's not that Tsuyoshi's current wardrobe wouldn't fit his - her - current body, even with substantial additional curves. But really, it's the principle of the thing.
That, she thinks picking up a pair of rainbow plaid footless tights, and it's not as if she couldn't wear these clothes as a boy as well. It's a win win situation.
*
Nagase isn't entirely sure how to trade his body - since, well, why else would a hysterical girl claiming to be Koichi call him and tell him to come over - for his best friend's freedom but he's fairly sure that he'll be able to wing it. It likely involves a lack of pants and he's good at no pants. It's what he does.
When a woman in a bathrobe answers the door and hauls him in, it starts to look better.
She's short, barely up to his shoulder, and slight with delicate, compact curves and there's something familiar about her eyes, huge and dark with misery and-
"Kouchan?"
She - Koichi - nods miserably. Something tugs uncomfortably in Nagase's chest.
"Well, fuck."
*
"Junichi."
Okada checks his phone again because that's definitely a girl's measured tones from Tsuyoshi's caller ID.
"Hello?" Okada ventures cautiously.
"You're coming shopping with me. I need someone to hold my bags."
Okada blinks very hard. "Tsuyoshi?"
"Who else?" she says, impatient. "I'm at Shibuya 109."
"Oh."
*
Nagase is as determinedly straight as the next guy in JE dressed in spangles and fake dead animals, and probably straighter than a few of the more questionable sparkly boys. He's had girlfriends - publically, even, jimusho tentatively approved.
Or, jimusho arranged but that was just totally unsubstantiated rumours and Ayumi Hamasaki was a very nice girl.
"So I need you to come over to Koichi's place and bring clothes," Nagase explains into the phone, keeping a wary eye out on the couch where Koichi sits huddled into an overly large bathrobe and mutters worryingly about scientific anomolies.
"I gave all of yours back already," Ayumi says, sounding confused. "Don't you have a wardrobe at Koichi-kun's anyway?"
"No," Nagase shakes his head. "Your clothes."
"You can't fit into my clothes, Tomo-chan," she says kindly and Nagase sighs because she's making this a whole lot more difficult than it has to be. Also, he's getting a little cramped ducking beneath the level of the kitchen counter, peeking over the top to check on Koichi every few seconds.
"They're for Koichi."
A pause. "Well, I guess he's closer to my height," she agrees chirpily. "And everyone always warned me about dating JE boys. This is why we broke up, you know."
Another, longer pause. Nagase scratches his head and tries not to look at the loose tie of Koichi's bathrobe, how it gapes a little at the neck. "We broke up because Koichi turned into a girl?"
"What," she says blankly. "No?"
"Yes," Nagase says seriously and ducks down again because Koichi is looking at him. "You should come over."
"Okaaay," she agrees reluctantly because somehow all her ex-boyfriends are insane if amicable, then brightens up. "I haven't seen Kouchan in a while, anyway."
"Bring underwear," Nagase says, "I think you're about the same size," and hangs up.
*
"Isn't that a bit small for you?"
"Is it?" Tsuyoshi asks blandly, still inspecting the frilly lacy lingerie set she'd picked up. Okada, Tsuyoshi reflects, had adapted perhaps a bit too quickly if shopping for underwear in one of the speciality stores no longer fazed him, even weighed down by multiple bags and relieved of his credit card.
"You're at least a cup size larger," Okada says, unflappable. "I know. I checked."
"Was that what that unasked for touching was for?" Tsuyoshi asks, blandly polite. "How altruistic."
Okada smiles sincerely. "I try."
"But," Tsuyoshi smiles back. "This isn't for me. It's for Koichi."
A pause.
A long pause.
Tsuyoshi keeps browsing, picking up lacier and lacier things with less and less material.
"Wait," Okada says, pained. "Koichi too?"
Tsuyoshi laughs, a charming giggle that sends a jolt of fear up Okada's spine. "You're not surprised at me, but Koichi throws you off?"
"You can do whatever you want."
"And I do," Tsuyoshi murmurs.
Okada inclines his head briefly in acknowledgement, a little wild around the eyes. "Koichi though... is Koichi."
"How do you think she'd look in this?" Tsuyoshi asks pleasantly, holding up a few scraps of lace. Then, without a twitch in expression: "Oh my," as Okada lets the shopping bags fall from suddenly nerveless fingers.
*
"Oh my," Ayumi says, manicured hands resting on her hips. Koichi, wrapped in a quilt miserably on the couch, stares sadly at her.
"He's a girl," Nagase whispers loudly.
"I'm a girl," Koichi wails, in tones very much heartbroken.
"At least you're a cute girl," Ayumi chirps and bodily pushes Nagase out of the apartment. "Come back in an hour."
"Wha-?" Nagase squeaks in exceptionally manly tones.
"Girl stuff," Ayumi explains blithly. Koichi looks horrified. "Go and buy some chocolate. And ice-cream."
"I don't like sweet things," Koichi interrupts weakly.
"You will," Ayumi promises. "And Tomo-chan, clothes. I'll mail you sizes in a moment."
Nagase brightens up. "Can I wat-"
Ayumi closes the door in his face.
*
"Don't you have enough?" the pile of shopping bags asks, wobbling dangerously. Tsuyoshi casually puts out a hand to stop it and takes the top bag off, revealing Okada's flushed face.
"Well," Tsuyoshi says contemplatively. "I am shopping for two."
Okada winces. "How... I mean, what... Koichi too?"
"Mmm." Tsuyoshi leads them over to a convenient bench and sits, leaving Okada floundering to balance everything. "Probably."
"Probably?" Okada repeats helplessly.
Tsuyoshi shrugs. "It makes more sense that way."
"Sense?" Okada flails about a little more and drops the packages in an untidy heap at Tsuyoshi's feet. "This makes sense?"
"Well," Tsuyoshi hums, straightening her shopping. "I wouldn't do this alone."
"Stop messing with other people's reality," Okada says, deadpan.
Tsuyoshi only smiles.
*
Ayumi leaves in a flurry of perfumed hugs and not very reassuring words like: "At least you already know how to put on make-up! Being an idol is really useful sometimes," and: "Tomo-chan is probaby going to try to get into your pants. Just smack him on the nose if he's being too annoying about it," which is probably more relevent than Koichi would like.
Recording. Koichi should know and he's almost rational enough to be glad that this had happened in a rare gap in their busy schedules - oh god, Tsuyoshi, how was Tsuyoshi going to take it? - where there were no concert rehearsals, no Shin Domoto Kyoudai recordings for a week, the month's photoshoots already over and it was just production meetings and studio work.
Tsuyoshi, Koichi thinks. Tsuyoshi. And as if conjured up by thought alone, Koichi's mobile rings.
Nagase's not back yet and Koichi eyes his phone like it's liable to hurt him - which, given Ayumi had to pry it out of his hand when a delayed panic reaction had him instinctively going for his manager on speed dial (over fifteen years in the jimusho have a lot to answer for), is not too unreasonable a fear.
It's an unknown number.
It's not like anyone calls him on a regular basis anyway, so it's probably a wrong number and common courtasy has him picking it up before his brain manages to kick in.
"Hello?" he says cautiously, high pitched and wavery.
"Koichi-san," a cool female tone replies.
Koichi squeaks.
*
"I thought you didn't have his phone number," Okada comments, half slumped over entirely too many expensive shopping bags.
"I lied," Tsuyoshi smiles. "Get up, we're going."
*
Nagase lets himself into an apartment with two pretty women and one man and thinks for a moment about the porno that he watched last week before slapping himself hard mentally, since that scenario leaves him out in the cold.
Which totally wouldn't happen because Okada has his back. They're buddies, afterall. Bros, even.
Okada also has a hand on what could be a very compromising place and Nagase just wishes he knows how Okada does it without the screaming, shrieking or slapping.
"I'm back?" he says instead, hoping for a 'hello' kiss or something.
"Occhan," Koichi beams, looking a lot more stable sitting next to a woman that looks awfully familiar. Nagese doesn't feel too stable himself.
"Tomo-baby," Tsuyoshi says with the blandest of smiles. They sit on opposite sides of the couch but their hands rest between them, almost brushing. Koichi on the left and Tsuyoshi on the right; their pinkies touch everytime they breath. For all the strangeness, it's a familiar sight.
"You're a girl," Nagase says dumbly.
Okada snickers from where he's perched on the arm of the couch next to Tsuyoshi.
"What gave me away?" Tsuyoshi asks, mild as milk. Her mouth is slicked red with gloss and her eyes are dark and shadowed.
Nagase considers this for a second then turns to Koichi instead. "You're wearing a dress."
"Tsuyoshi bought it for me," Koichi says, still a little wild around the eyes. "But the shoes are better." They're skyscraper stilettos, dangerously red and shiny, taller than even Koichi's highest boots plus lifts combination. Nagase thinks he's seen them before on a pole dancer.
He gulps, mouth suddenly dry, and makes his way carefully to the kitchen instead to put down the groceries without looking at anyone.
*
Tsuyoshi had brought with her clothes, make up, shoes, an Okada and most importantly of all, her very unchanged changed self. This, Koichi thinks, is probably better than the six inch heels, even as Tsuyoshi bullies him into a series of frillier dresses lacier dresses.
(The height of the shoes, however, does not make up for the height lost in the change.)
And frillier, lacier underwear.
(The fact that Koichi is still a hair taller sort of does.)
Koichi thinks he's figured it out - the cuter it is, the less comfortable.
(Even if some of it's because Tsuyoshi doesn't have as high heels.
Every little bit counts.)
Lace itches.
*
"Can I touch your boobs?" Nagase asks, looking extremely interested in Koichi's admittedly petite chest. It had taken him about five minutes of private time in the kitchen to recover his not-quite-dignity, but something approaching equilibrium.
"Tsuyo has a better rack," Koichi grumps, crossing her arms over said area.
"Shouldn't you be more freaked out by this?" Okada, torn between amusement and trauma, has a hand over his eyes and concentrates very hard on pretending that today is just a strange, alcohol induced dream.
"I do, don't I?" Tsuyoshi smiles into the little compact mirror she has out and carefully, using her pinky, smudges the corner of her eyeliner.
"Hey!" Nagase says, gleeful, and drapes himself over Koichi's shoulders. "That totally wasn't a no!"
Tsuyoshi throws a powder brush at him, looking up with the tiniest frown that quickly smoothes itself out. "Hands off. Mine."
"This isn't fair," Koichi says grumpily, ignoring them all. She leans into Nagase, who makes a triumphant face at Tsuyoshi. "If I have to have boobs, they should at least be nice."
"They're nice," Tsuyoshi says, finally snapping shut her compact. "Just not as nice as mine."
"I like them," Nagase offers, hands trailing down Koichi's collarbone. Koichi slaps at them absently.
"Because really," Okada declares to an unfeeling world. "I'm disturbed. I'm really really disturbed."
"That would be so much more convincing if you hadn't tried to feel me up," Tsuyoshi points out dryly. She picks up one of Koichi's discarded heels - the tallest stilettos in the shop and consequently, absolutely impossible to walk in - and quirks an eyebrow at Nagase.
Nagase's hands stop and very carefully trace backwards into safe territory.
"I had to make sure," Okada says shamelessly.
"Multiple times."
"Tsuyoshi," Koichi announces in tones very much betrayed. "Also has a nicer ass."
"At least you have an ass now," Nagase says comfortingly, hands straying.
"I hate you," Koichi declares and elbows him in the stomach.
Tsuyoshi smirks.
*
The rumour mill is impossibly large and convoluted, criss crossing so that everyone gets the vaguely similar message three times in at least two different variations of terrible, from the eldest debuted to the more sentient juniors.
It starts maybe with Koichi and Nagase, maybe with Tsuyoshi to Okada, and through some convoluted pattern, an hour later, KAT-TUN (bar one, already trapped in a production meeting) collectively come knocking on Koichi's door.
"Sempai," Akanishi yells, banging on the door obnoxiously loud. "We heard what happened and we wanted to come give you our support."
Koichi makes a traumatised face and pulls a throw rug over his head. "They don't know I'm here."
"Koichi-san," Nakamaru's more anxious tones call, no quieter. "Are you all right in there?"
"I think they do," Nagase offers, patting the small mountain of blanket approximately on the chest. Koichi's hand shoots out and smacks him on the arm.
"I could get rid of them for you," Tsuyoshi offers sweetly. Slowly, the blanket raises enough for Koichi to peer cautiously out, wide eyed. Tsuyoshi smiles at him.
"Kame's had a lot of experience in stuff like this," Akanishi continues to yell and Koichi groans.
"Let them in," he commands imperiously at Nagase then tugs the blanket back down again. "Tell them I'm dead."
Nagase snickers and lumbers over the door, pulling it open. He fills up about 80% of the frame with his shoulders and the grin on his face is enough to make even Akanishi take a step back and duck behind Ueda's convenient shoulder. Ueda rolls his eyes and kicks back at Akanishi's ankle.
"Sorry," Nagase says cheerfully. "Koichi's not feeling himself today."
"I hate you," a feminine voice declares loudly. Okada snickers but puts on his straightest face when Tsuyoshi taps him dangerously high on his thigh.
"He's also dead," Nagase says obligingly.
Kame nods sagely. "Deciding to live life as a woman requires a big commitment," he says, understanding.
"Buh?" Nagase says in return. Silence fills the other room.
"But we'll support him-"
"Her," Koki corrects with a frown. His arms are crossed over his chest.
"Her," Kame smoothly repeats, "with this difficult transition time. Sex reassignment is a long and painful process."
Stunned silence. Tsuyoshi coughs, deceptively delicate.
"Excuse me?" Koichi shrieks, throwing the blanket off and emerging in a disarray. His suddenly long hair is in a static mess and the slender strap of his dress falling off one shoulder. Tsuyoshi reaches over and pushes it up, fingers lingering a little on bare skin.
"And," Akanishi announces with wide cow eyes. "I like older women."
Tsuyoshi casually picks up a cushion, saunters to the kitchen, and laughs so hard that she almost cries. Okada, stuffing a fist in his mouth, follows making tiny choking noises.
Nagase stares down at Akanishi flatly. "Too bad Koichi likes me better."
Koichi starts to flail a little, making inarticulate noises of rage. Kame ducks around the two posturing idiots and darts into the apartment faster than anyone can stop him. Too preoccupied with their staring match, neither Nagase nor Jin move even as the rest of KAT-TUN file in and make a beeline to the couch.
Kame holds out his hands placatingly. "Koichi-san."
"How do you even know where I live?" Koichi asks accusationally and four heads turn to look at Nakamaru, who smiles sheepishly and takes a quick step back.
"I thought you'd want support," Nakamaru squeaks out.
"You're disowned," Koichi announces, folding his arms solidly over his chest and glaring at Nakamaru fiercely. His eyes are a bit larger now, wider, but the expression is familiar enough though it often used to come with a slap on the head and dancing critique.
"But you like me best!" Nakamaru protests.
"Ha!" Kame says, and Koki reaches over to slug Nakamaru on the arm, looking slightly indignant. Ueda just hovers in the background, arms wrapped firmly around his stomach and refusing to look Koichi in the eye.
Koichi rustles purposefully, shoving the blankets over to the side and instinctively, Koki holds out a hand to help him up. Koichi stares at it for a long, considering moment and Koki falters, starting to pull back - but Koichi reaches out, hand surprisingly delicate in his.
On his bare feet, Koichi only comes up to Koki's chin now. Koki looks down and Koichi stares up with cool, dark eyes. "Thank you," he says and Koki drops his hand like a hot coal, stepping back hastily.
Kame comes forward instead, forcing Koichi to tilt his chin to look up at him. Ueda snags Kame's top and pulls him a step back, then looks stubbornly down at his bare feet. Koichi smiles faintly at him.
"We just want to help, Koichi-san," Kame says sincerely. Then adds, "I know a lot of people in circumstances like yours and I can introduce you."
Koichi looks at him. "I'm not kissing you," he says pointblank.
"How about me?" Akanishi interjects, breaking off his staring competition with Nagase to give Koichi hopeful puppy eyes.
"Me first," Nagase protests and there's renewed muffled sounds from the kitchen.
"I should have neutered you when you were still smaller than me," Koichi tells Akanishi instead.
Akanishi frowns. "You were never bigger than me."
"I still could have neutered you," Koichi says serenely and a shiver ripples through the living room, where everyone inexplicably thinks of the other Domoto.
Akanishi's eyes go round. "You can spank me," he offers, looking disturbingly attracted and Koichi splutters. Ueda turns and punches him hard enough in the arm that the impact seems to echo.
"Ow!" Akanishi wails indignantly.
"You deserved that," Kame tells him.
Ueda folds his arms across his chest again. "We should leave."
"Sorry," Nakamaru says miserably. Koki gives him a manly slap on the shoulder.
"I appreciate the thought," Koichi says, a little faintly. "But I'll be fine. Thank you."
"And he has me already," Nagase says proudly. Koichi rolls his eyes but doesn't protest, since Nagase's too far away for a good elbow in the stomach.
It takes a little more persuading and Koichi's best sempai voice - still effective after all these years - to herd them out of Koichi's apartment and a little later before Tsuyoshi comes out from the kitchen, still snickering.
"Thank you for your help," Koichi says deadpan.
Tsuyoshi leans over and laughs in his face.
*
Yara hears it from Toma who heard it from Pi who heard it from Akanishi when he'd wanted advice on how to fit bras because while Akanishi is perhaps an expert at taking them off, he's not too good at putting them on - other people or himself - while Pi has a better rack than half the gravure models. He'd wanted to be a help to his not-exactly-favourite-because-that-would-be-pushing-it,-but disconcertingly-important-to-him-anyway sempai.
Pi had laughed in his face - "That's your dysfunctional sempai, Bakanishi, you handle him. I've already got the pedo one to keep in check."
"At least mine doesn't feel me up."
"Lucky you."
"Though I kind of wish he would."
"That's strangely disturbed."
"You just wish yours was so hot."
"Good luck, Bakanishi." - and hung up without being useful at all, before proceeding to call his group, most of which had already known.
Yara calls Yonehana who had also heard from Sho, who calls Machida who had already been in a small flailing session with the Yu-chan collective of MAD, who had had the bright idea of calling the latest crop of Dancer as well as some of the old hands which had quickly become a Domoto Koichi Solo Con and Shock reunion phone party, except less party and more panic.
Yara is a little surprised that billboards saying 'WE SUPPORT YOU IN WHATEVER LIFE DECISIONS YOU MAKE, KOICHI-KUN' haven't already been put up in Shibuya but figures it's just a matter of time and funding. Or picking a place that Koichi would actually see it.
Which is sort of, but not really, why the three remaining members of MA are huddled together conspicuously in a small cafe near Koichi's apartment.
"Why didn't he tell us?" Machida wails, clutching at his hair with his hands.
Yara looks at him and signals grimly for another coffee and cake set. "I wonder."
"I'd support him in whatever life decisions he makes," Machida says nobly, crumpling his hair even more. "Anything!"
"She," Yonehana corrects with a grin. "Female now."
"It's Koichi-san either way," Machida declares. "It doesn't matter what package he... she... Koichi-san is in!"
"Will be in?" Yonehana muses. "Doesn't the hormone replacement stuff take time?"
"It's not like he was ever that manly," Yara scoffs but his legs cross protectively.
"So you think they-" Yonehana begins but Machida flails and knocks a cup of coffee all over the table.
In the ensueing bustle in trying to get it mopped up and away from Yara's white pants, the question goes unasked but not unthought of.
"Koichi-kun," Machida whimpers sadly.
Yone slides him the slice of cake the waitress had set down earlier and a fork before turning back to Yara, bright eyed. "So Sho tells me it was a magical transformation that happened when he woke up."
Yara snorts. "Koichi doesn't get out much but he's not likely to be attracting unicorns. Toma said it was a mid life crisis gone wrong."
Indistinguishable through a mouthful of cake, Machida makes a vaguely mournful noise.
"V6 think it's Tsuyoshi-san's fault," Yonehana continues and Yara pauses mid-sip of his cappuccino.
"... Yeah," he finally agrees. "Smart money's on that."
"So," Yonehana says, cocking an eyebrow and tilting his head towards the general direction of Koichi's apartment building. "Why don't we go and find out?"
Machida whimpers and crams half the slice of cake whole into his mouth.
*
"Your problem," Tsuyoshi explains nicely, wielding a curling iron dangerously close to Koichi's ear. "Is that you're not strict enough with your backdancers."
Nagase scoffs. "It's that everyone wants to get into his pants."
"They do not," Koichi says indignant, then freezes when Tsuyoshi taps him on the cheek with one manicured nail, half painted a deep violent purple.
"They want to get you out of your pants," Tsuyoshi says calmly.
Koichi looks down and smooths the flouncy layers of lace. "I'm wearing a dress."
"Too bad for them I do it best." Tsuyoshi smiles blandly at Koichi in the mirror and picks up a can of hairspray. "Close your eyes."
There's a pause as Tsuyoshi expertly wields the spray can, Nagase looking at them thoughtfully.
"Could you-"
"I'd have to kill you." Blithely, Tsuyoshi continues rearranging Koichi's hair to her satisfaction, not even looking up. Koichi gulps.
"Ah," Nagase says after a second.
"Besides," Koichi continues, deciding to ignore everything going over his head - less metaphorically than literally- "it's not my fault Akanishi has issues with authority figures and Kame is very confused about his sexuality."
"About your sexuality, you mean," Nagase snerks.
"I'll kill you," Koichi glowers. "Shut up, they're cute and only mostly dysfunctional."
"You think they're annoying little shits," Tsuyoshi points out. She takes a step and critically surveys Koichi's hair, a masterpiece of princess ringlets and hairspray.
"It's not mutually exclusive." Koichi all but sparkles up at them.
Tsuyoshi takes a look at Nagase's face, reaches out and twitches a stray curl into place and smiles. "Perfect."
"Eh?" Koichi asks, blinking rapidly.
Okada, quietly leafing through a magazine on the recliner, snorts. "Just Tsuyoshi's plan for world domination."
"Shh," Tsuyoshi says mildly. "You'll give it away."
Nagase looks terrified but for the sake of his future happiness, bravely soldiers on. "We should take advantage of this opportunity," he tells Koichi caljolingly. "You won't get recognised if you go out."
Koichi rolls his eyes. "You will."
"I'll wear a hat," Nagase says brightly.
"And carve off four inches of height?" Tsuyoshi says, mild. The styling comb in her hand suddenly looks very sharp.
Nagase stops and considers this very carefully. "I don't think carve is the right word."
"No," Tsuyoshi says, sweet. "It is."
"Oh."
"And," Koichi complains. "Where would we even go? There's everything I need right here."
"Like me?" Nagase offers.
"Like my laptop."
"Perhaps Koichi and I should go out on our own," Tsuyoshi muses, one curl of hair winding around and around her finger. "We won't be recognised."
Nagase beams. "I could take you both on a date."
"Kinki Kids," Tsuyoshi says primly. "Is two people."
"I can be kinky too," Nagase protests but before Tsuyoshi can get him in the face with hairspray, the doorbell rings.
"I'm going to go drown myself in the bath," Koichi declares and promptly tries to smother himself face down on the couch instead.
*
"Hey guys," Nagase says, opening the door with a friendly grin. "Sorry, Koichi's a bit busy today. He's just about to drown himself in the bath. Come back some other time."
"KOICHI-KUN," Machida wails in response and somehow, his lanky frame ducks past Nagase and into the room, rushing towards the couch and kicking his shoes off on the way. "Don't die! We love you no matter what!"
"What he said," Yonehana says with his best benevolent smile, looking up so that only the whites of his eyes can be seen. Nagase takes an inadvertant step back.
"Even if the surgery was botched," Yara adds, shoving past. Yone winces.
The somewhat familiar looking woman perched on the arm of the sofa falls onto it laughing, making the figure curled determinedly into the couch yelp. Machida, already kneeling in front of the couch, flails a little helplessly.
Yara comes to a screeching stop. "You're kidding."
Still giggling, Tsuyoshi rolls to her feet (to a chorus of protesting squeaks) and smooths her hair. She has a hand over her mouth, demure, and it's familiar from a few dozen episodes of Shin Domoto Kyoudai. Nagase takes a step back the other way.
"Tsuyoshi-san too?" Yara says, something like dread in his voice.
"Well," Tsuyoshi says primly, tugging her cropped vest straight. "Kinki Kids forever."
"On the plus side," Yone offers from safely behind Nagase. "That's definitely not surgery."
Half buried into the couch cushions, Machida's beseeching hand only millimetres from the bare skin of his shoulder, Koichi curls up even tighter, hands over his ears. Still stretched out on the recliner next to the couch, Okada reaches over and taps Machida on the shoulder with a bottle of red wine and a sympathetic look.
"Here," Okada says. "You look like you need this."
Machida squawks.
*
Rating: g
Summary: In which no one is kidnapped, a transexual, or quite sane, but there is a lot of gender confusion. ♥
Warning: woke up female!fic
Notes: genderswitched characters are referred to by the gender pronoun that the POV character sees them as. IE: Koichi thinks of himself as 'he' even as a girl, while Tsuyoshi uses 'she'.
It happens like this.
Koichi wakes up about noon, having gone to sleep close to dawn. It's warm enough - and really, there are enough heating units and humidifiers - in his apartment that he sleeps naked. He stretches, long and lazy beneath the covers and a hand comes up to scratch at his stomach. It's not quite familiar beneath his fingertips. This is the first sign.
Nonetheless, mornings are not friendly so Koichi stumbles to his feet and staggers towards the bathroom, eyes closed. He reaches for something that is very much not there and the resulting shriek wakes not only himself, but half his apartment block which is how the legend of Domoto Koichi grows.
*
Tsuyoshi wakes up, takes a moment to contemplate, and goes shopping.
*
To Nagase's credit - or perhaps to his shame - he's well acquainted to being woken up by semi-hysterical girls calling him at the break of dawn. Or perhaps afternoon when he is still groggy sleeping off a late night drama shooting wrap up and the consequent afterparty.
To be fair, though, it isn't often that the hysterical girls claim to be Koichi.
Today is the first.
Hopefully the last, also.
"Well, okay," Nagase says cautiously into the phone. "You just keep on being Koichi. In Koichi's apartment. Don't go anywhere."
"You're an ass," hysterical girl hisses and Nagase has to admit that it does kind of sound like Koichi, were Koichi an alto.
Koichi is not an alto, though, so Nagase just makes placating noises into his phone and with one last regretful look at his bed, gets dressed to go over to Koichi's apartment to save him from the crazy fangirl holding him hostage.
It happens.
*
It's not that Tsuyoshi's current wardrobe wouldn't fit his - her - current body, even with substantial additional curves. But really, it's the principle of the thing.
That, she thinks picking up a pair of rainbow plaid footless tights, and it's not as if she couldn't wear these clothes as a boy as well. It's a win win situation.
*
Nagase isn't entirely sure how to trade his body - since, well, why else would a hysterical girl claiming to be Koichi call him and tell him to come over - for his best friend's freedom but he's fairly sure that he'll be able to wing it. It likely involves a lack of pants and he's good at no pants. It's what he does.
When a woman in a bathrobe answers the door and hauls him in, it starts to look better.
She's short, barely up to his shoulder, and slight with delicate, compact curves and there's something familiar about her eyes, huge and dark with misery and-
"Kouchan?"
She - Koichi - nods miserably. Something tugs uncomfortably in Nagase's chest.
"Well, fuck."
*
"Junichi."
Okada checks his phone again because that's definitely a girl's measured tones from Tsuyoshi's caller ID.
"Hello?" Okada ventures cautiously.
"You're coming shopping with me. I need someone to hold my bags."
Okada blinks very hard. "Tsuyoshi?"
"Who else?" she says, impatient. "I'm at Shibuya 109."
"Oh."
*
Nagase is as determinedly straight as the next guy in JE dressed in spangles and fake dead animals, and probably straighter than a few of the more questionable sparkly boys. He's had girlfriends - publically, even, jimusho tentatively approved.
Or, jimusho arranged but that was just totally unsubstantiated rumours and Ayumi Hamasaki was a very nice girl.
"So I need you to come over to Koichi's place and bring clothes," Nagase explains into the phone, keeping a wary eye out on the couch where Koichi sits huddled into an overly large bathrobe and mutters worryingly about scientific anomolies.
"I gave all of yours back already," Ayumi says, sounding confused. "Don't you have a wardrobe at Koichi-kun's anyway?"
"No," Nagase shakes his head. "Your clothes."
"You can't fit into my clothes, Tomo-chan," she says kindly and Nagase sighs because she's making this a whole lot more difficult than it has to be. Also, he's getting a little cramped ducking beneath the level of the kitchen counter, peeking over the top to check on Koichi every few seconds.
"They're for Koichi."
A pause. "Well, I guess he's closer to my height," she agrees chirpily. "And everyone always warned me about dating JE boys. This is why we broke up, you know."
Another, longer pause. Nagase scratches his head and tries not to look at the loose tie of Koichi's bathrobe, how it gapes a little at the neck. "We broke up because Koichi turned into a girl?"
"What," she says blankly. "No?"
"Yes," Nagase says seriously and ducks down again because Koichi is looking at him. "You should come over."
"Okaaay," she agrees reluctantly because somehow all her ex-boyfriends are insane if amicable, then brightens up. "I haven't seen Kouchan in a while, anyway."
"Bring underwear," Nagase says, "I think you're about the same size," and hangs up.
*
"Isn't that a bit small for you?"
"Is it?" Tsuyoshi asks blandly, still inspecting the frilly lacy lingerie set she'd picked up. Okada, Tsuyoshi reflects, had adapted perhaps a bit too quickly if shopping for underwear in one of the speciality stores no longer fazed him, even weighed down by multiple bags and relieved of his credit card.
"You're at least a cup size larger," Okada says, unflappable. "I know. I checked."
"Was that what that unasked for touching was for?" Tsuyoshi asks, blandly polite. "How altruistic."
Okada smiles sincerely. "I try."
"But," Tsuyoshi smiles back. "This isn't for me. It's for Koichi."
A pause.
A long pause.
Tsuyoshi keeps browsing, picking up lacier and lacier things with less and less material.
"Wait," Okada says, pained. "Koichi too?"
Tsuyoshi laughs, a charming giggle that sends a jolt of fear up Okada's spine. "You're not surprised at me, but Koichi throws you off?"
"You can do whatever you want."
"And I do," Tsuyoshi murmurs.
Okada inclines his head briefly in acknowledgement, a little wild around the eyes. "Koichi though... is Koichi."
"How do you think she'd look in this?" Tsuyoshi asks pleasantly, holding up a few scraps of lace. Then, without a twitch in expression: "Oh my," as Okada lets the shopping bags fall from suddenly nerveless fingers.
*
"Oh my," Ayumi says, manicured hands resting on her hips. Koichi, wrapped in a quilt miserably on the couch, stares sadly at her.
"He's a girl," Nagase whispers loudly.
"I'm a girl," Koichi wails, in tones very much heartbroken.
"At least you're a cute girl," Ayumi chirps and bodily pushes Nagase out of the apartment. "Come back in an hour."
"Wha-?" Nagase squeaks in exceptionally manly tones.
"Girl stuff," Ayumi explains blithly. Koichi looks horrified. "Go and buy some chocolate. And ice-cream."
"I don't like sweet things," Koichi interrupts weakly.
"You will," Ayumi promises. "And Tomo-chan, clothes. I'll mail you sizes in a moment."
Nagase brightens up. "Can I wat-"
Ayumi closes the door in his face.
*
"Don't you have enough?" the pile of shopping bags asks, wobbling dangerously. Tsuyoshi casually puts out a hand to stop it and takes the top bag off, revealing Okada's flushed face.
"Well," Tsuyoshi says contemplatively. "I am shopping for two."
Okada winces. "How... I mean, what... Koichi too?"
"Mmm." Tsuyoshi leads them over to a convenient bench and sits, leaving Okada floundering to balance everything. "Probably."
"Probably?" Okada repeats helplessly.
Tsuyoshi shrugs. "It makes more sense that way."
"Sense?" Okada flails about a little more and drops the packages in an untidy heap at Tsuyoshi's feet. "This makes sense?"
"Well," Tsuyoshi hums, straightening her shopping. "I wouldn't do this alone."
"Stop messing with other people's reality," Okada says, deadpan.
Tsuyoshi only smiles.
*
Ayumi leaves in a flurry of perfumed hugs and not very reassuring words like: "At least you already know how to put on make-up! Being an idol is really useful sometimes," and: "Tomo-chan is probaby going to try to get into your pants. Just smack him on the nose if he's being too annoying about it," which is probably more relevent than Koichi would like.
Recording. Koichi should know and he's almost rational enough to be glad that this had happened in a rare gap in their busy schedules - oh god, Tsuyoshi, how was Tsuyoshi going to take it? - where there were no concert rehearsals, no Shin Domoto Kyoudai recordings for a week, the month's photoshoots already over and it was just production meetings and studio work.
Tsuyoshi, Koichi thinks. Tsuyoshi. And as if conjured up by thought alone, Koichi's mobile rings.
Nagase's not back yet and Koichi eyes his phone like it's liable to hurt him - which, given Ayumi had to pry it out of his hand when a delayed panic reaction had him instinctively going for his manager on speed dial (over fifteen years in the jimusho have a lot to answer for), is not too unreasonable a fear.
It's an unknown number.
It's not like anyone calls him on a regular basis anyway, so it's probably a wrong number and common courtasy has him picking it up before his brain manages to kick in.
"Hello?" he says cautiously, high pitched and wavery.
"Koichi-san," a cool female tone replies.
Koichi squeaks.
*
"I thought you didn't have his phone number," Okada comments, half slumped over entirely too many expensive shopping bags.
"I lied," Tsuyoshi smiles. "Get up, we're going."
*
Nagase lets himself into an apartment with two pretty women and one man and thinks for a moment about the porno that he watched last week before slapping himself hard mentally, since that scenario leaves him out in the cold.
Which totally wouldn't happen because Okada has his back. They're buddies, afterall. Bros, even.
Okada also has a hand on what could be a very compromising place and Nagase just wishes he knows how Okada does it without the screaming, shrieking or slapping.
"I'm back?" he says instead, hoping for a 'hello' kiss or something.
"Occhan," Koichi beams, looking a lot more stable sitting next to a woman that looks awfully familiar. Nagese doesn't feel too stable himself.
"Tomo-baby," Tsuyoshi says with the blandest of smiles. They sit on opposite sides of the couch but their hands rest between them, almost brushing. Koichi on the left and Tsuyoshi on the right; their pinkies touch everytime they breath. For all the strangeness, it's a familiar sight.
"You're a girl," Nagase says dumbly.
Okada snickers from where he's perched on the arm of the couch next to Tsuyoshi.
"What gave me away?" Tsuyoshi asks, mild as milk. Her mouth is slicked red with gloss and her eyes are dark and shadowed.
Nagase considers this for a second then turns to Koichi instead. "You're wearing a dress."
"Tsuyoshi bought it for me," Koichi says, still a little wild around the eyes. "But the shoes are better." They're skyscraper stilettos, dangerously red and shiny, taller than even Koichi's highest boots plus lifts combination. Nagase thinks he's seen them before on a pole dancer.
He gulps, mouth suddenly dry, and makes his way carefully to the kitchen instead to put down the groceries without looking at anyone.
*
Tsuyoshi had brought with her clothes, make up, shoes, an Okada and most importantly of all, her very unchanged changed self. This, Koichi thinks, is probably better than the six inch heels, even as Tsuyoshi bullies him into a series of frillier dresses lacier dresses.
(The height of the shoes, however, does not make up for the height lost in the change.)
And frillier, lacier underwear.
(The fact that Koichi is still a hair taller sort of does.)
Koichi thinks he's figured it out - the cuter it is, the less comfortable.
(Even if some of it's because Tsuyoshi doesn't have as high heels.
Every little bit counts.)
Lace itches.
*
"Can I touch your boobs?" Nagase asks, looking extremely interested in Koichi's admittedly petite chest. It had taken him about five minutes of private time in the kitchen to recover his not-quite-dignity, but something approaching equilibrium.
"Tsuyo has a better rack," Koichi grumps, crossing her arms over said area.
"Shouldn't you be more freaked out by this?" Okada, torn between amusement and trauma, has a hand over his eyes and concentrates very hard on pretending that today is just a strange, alcohol induced dream.
"I do, don't I?" Tsuyoshi smiles into the little compact mirror she has out and carefully, using her pinky, smudges the corner of her eyeliner.
"Hey!" Nagase says, gleeful, and drapes himself over Koichi's shoulders. "That totally wasn't a no!"
Tsuyoshi throws a powder brush at him, looking up with the tiniest frown that quickly smoothes itself out. "Hands off. Mine."
"This isn't fair," Koichi says grumpily, ignoring them all. She leans into Nagase, who makes a triumphant face at Tsuyoshi. "If I have to have boobs, they should at least be nice."
"They're nice," Tsuyoshi says, finally snapping shut her compact. "Just not as nice as mine."
"I like them," Nagase offers, hands trailing down Koichi's collarbone. Koichi slaps at them absently.
"Because really," Okada declares to an unfeeling world. "I'm disturbed. I'm really really disturbed."
"That would be so much more convincing if you hadn't tried to feel me up," Tsuyoshi points out dryly. She picks up one of Koichi's discarded heels - the tallest stilettos in the shop and consequently, absolutely impossible to walk in - and quirks an eyebrow at Nagase.
Nagase's hands stop and very carefully trace backwards into safe territory.
"I had to make sure," Okada says shamelessly.
"Multiple times."
"Tsuyoshi," Koichi announces in tones very much betrayed. "Also has a nicer ass."
"At least you have an ass now," Nagase says comfortingly, hands straying.
"I hate you," Koichi declares and elbows him in the stomach.
Tsuyoshi smirks.
*
The rumour mill is impossibly large and convoluted, criss crossing so that everyone gets the vaguely similar message three times in at least two different variations of terrible, from the eldest debuted to the more sentient juniors.
It starts maybe with Koichi and Nagase, maybe with Tsuyoshi to Okada, and through some convoluted pattern, an hour later, KAT-TUN (bar one, already trapped in a production meeting) collectively come knocking on Koichi's door.
"Sempai," Akanishi yells, banging on the door obnoxiously loud. "We heard what happened and we wanted to come give you our support."
Koichi makes a traumatised face and pulls a throw rug over his head. "They don't know I'm here."
"Koichi-san," Nakamaru's more anxious tones call, no quieter. "Are you all right in there?"
"I think they do," Nagase offers, patting the small mountain of blanket approximately on the chest. Koichi's hand shoots out and smacks him on the arm.
"I could get rid of them for you," Tsuyoshi offers sweetly. Slowly, the blanket raises enough for Koichi to peer cautiously out, wide eyed. Tsuyoshi smiles at him.
"Kame's had a lot of experience in stuff like this," Akanishi continues to yell and Koichi groans.
"Let them in," he commands imperiously at Nagase then tugs the blanket back down again. "Tell them I'm dead."
Nagase snickers and lumbers over the door, pulling it open. He fills up about 80% of the frame with his shoulders and the grin on his face is enough to make even Akanishi take a step back and duck behind Ueda's convenient shoulder. Ueda rolls his eyes and kicks back at Akanishi's ankle.
"Sorry," Nagase says cheerfully. "Koichi's not feeling himself today."
"I hate you," a feminine voice declares loudly. Okada snickers but puts on his straightest face when Tsuyoshi taps him dangerously high on his thigh.
"He's also dead," Nagase says obligingly.
Kame nods sagely. "Deciding to live life as a woman requires a big commitment," he says, understanding.
"Buh?" Nagase says in return. Silence fills the other room.
"But we'll support him-"
"Her," Koki corrects with a frown. His arms are crossed over his chest.
"Her," Kame smoothly repeats, "with this difficult transition time. Sex reassignment is a long and painful process."
Stunned silence. Tsuyoshi coughs, deceptively delicate.
"Excuse me?" Koichi shrieks, throwing the blanket off and emerging in a disarray. His suddenly long hair is in a static mess and the slender strap of his dress falling off one shoulder. Tsuyoshi reaches over and pushes it up, fingers lingering a little on bare skin.
"And," Akanishi announces with wide cow eyes. "I like older women."
Tsuyoshi casually picks up a cushion, saunters to the kitchen, and laughs so hard that she almost cries. Okada, stuffing a fist in his mouth, follows making tiny choking noises.
Nagase stares down at Akanishi flatly. "Too bad Koichi likes me better."
Koichi starts to flail a little, making inarticulate noises of rage. Kame ducks around the two posturing idiots and darts into the apartment faster than anyone can stop him. Too preoccupied with their staring match, neither Nagase nor Jin move even as the rest of KAT-TUN file in and make a beeline to the couch.
Kame holds out his hands placatingly. "Koichi-san."
"How do you even know where I live?" Koichi asks accusationally and four heads turn to look at Nakamaru, who smiles sheepishly and takes a quick step back.
"I thought you'd want support," Nakamaru squeaks out.
"You're disowned," Koichi announces, folding his arms solidly over his chest and glaring at Nakamaru fiercely. His eyes are a bit larger now, wider, but the expression is familiar enough though it often used to come with a slap on the head and dancing critique.
"But you like me best!" Nakamaru protests.
"Ha!" Kame says, and Koki reaches over to slug Nakamaru on the arm, looking slightly indignant. Ueda just hovers in the background, arms wrapped firmly around his stomach and refusing to look Koichi in the eye.
Koichi rustles purposefully, shoving the blankets over to the side and instinctively, Koki holds out a hand to help him up. Koichi stares at it for a long, considering moment and Koki falters, starting to pull back - but Koichi reaches out, hand surprisingly delicate in his.
On his bare feet, Koichi only comes up to Koki's chin now. Koki looks down and Koichi stares up with cool, dark eyes. "Thank you," he says and Koki drops his hand like a hot coal, stepping back hastily.
Kame comes forward instead, forcing Koichi to tilt his chin to look up at him. Ueda snags Kame's top and pulls him a step back, then looks stubbornly down at his bare feet. Koichi smiles faintly at him.
"We just want to help, Koichi-san," Kame says sincerely. Then adds, "I know a lot of people in circumstances like yours and I can introduce you."
Koichi looks at him. "I'm not kissing you," he says pointblank.
"How about me?" Akanishi interjects, breaking off his staring competition with Nagase to give Koichi hopeful puppy eyes.
"Me first," Nagase protests and there's renewed muffled sounds from the kitchen.
"I should have neutered you when you were still smaller than me," Koichi tells Akanishi instead.
Akanishi frowns. "You were never bigger than me."
"I still could have neutered you," Koichi says serenely and a shiver ripples through the living room, where everyone inexplicably thinks of the other Domoto.
Akanishi's eyes go round. "You can spank me," he offers, looking disturbingly attracted and Koichi splutters. Ueda turns and punches him hard enough in the arm that the impact seems to echo.
"Ow!" Akanishi wails indignantly.
"You deserved that," Kame tells him.
Ueda folds his arms across his chest again. "We should leave."
"Sorry," Nakamaru says miserably. Koki gives him a manly slap on the shoulder.
"I appreciate the thought," Koichi says, a little faintly. "But I'll be fine. Thank you."
"And he has me already," Nagase says proudly. Koichi rolls his eyes but doesn't protest, since Nagase's too far away for a good elbow in the stomach.
It takes a little more persuading and Koichi's best sempai voice - still effective after all these years - to herd them out of Koichi's apartment and a little later before Tsuyoshi comes out from the kitchen, still snickering.
"Thank you for your help," Koichi says deadpan.
Tsuyoshi leans over and laughs in his face.
*
Yara hears it from Toma who heard it from Pi who heard it from Akanishi when he'd wanted advice on how to fit bras because while Akanishi is perhaps an expert at taking them off, he's not too good at putting them on - other people or himself - while Pi has a better rack than half the gravure models. He'd wanted to be a help to his not-exactly-favourite-because-that-would-be-pushing-it,-but disconcertingly-important-to-him-anyway sempai.
Pi had laughed in his face - "That's your dysfunctional sempai, Bakanishi, you handle him. I've already got the pedo one to keep in check."
"At least mine doesn't feel me up."
"Lucky you."
"Though I kind of wish he would."
"That's strangely disturbed."
"You just wish yours was so hot."
"Good luck, Bakanishi." - and hung up without being useful at all, before proceeding to call his group, most of which had already known.
Yara calls Yonehana who had also heard from Sho, who calls Machida who had already been in a small flailing session with the Yu-chan collective of MAD, who had had the bright idea of calling the latest crop of Dancer as well as some of the old hands which had quickly become a Domoto Koichi Solo Con and Shock reunion phone party, except less party and more panic.
Yara is a little surprised that billboards saying 'WE SUPPORT YOU IN WHATEVER LIFE DECISIONS YOU MAKE, KOICHI-KUN' haven't already been put up in Shibuya but figures it's just a matter of time and funding. Or picking a place that Koichi would actually see it.
Which is sort of, but not really, why the three remaining members of MA are huddled together conspicuously in a small cafe near Koichi's apartment.
"Why didn't he tell us?" Machida wails, clutching at his hair with his hands.
Yara looks at him and signals grimly for another coffee and cake set. "I wonder."
"I'd support him in whatever life decisions he makes," Machida says nobly, crumpling his hair even more. "Anything!"
"She," Yonehana corrects with a grin. "Female now."
"It's Koichi-san either way," Machida declares. "It doesn't matter what package he... she... Koichi-san is in!"
"Will be in?" Yonehana muses. "Doesn't the hormone replacement stuff take time?"
"It's not like he was ever that manly," Yara scoffs but his legs cross protectively.
"So you think they-" Yonehana begins but Machida flails and knocks a cup of coffee all over the table.
In the ensueing bustle in trying to get it mopped up and away from Yara's white pants, the question goes unasked but not unthought of.
"Koichi-kun," Machida whimpers sadly.
Yone slides him the slice of cake the waitress had set down earlier and a fork before turning back to Yara, bright eyed. "So Sho tells me it was a magical transformation that happened when he woke up."
Yara snorts. "Koichi doesn't get out much but he's not likely to be attracting unicorns. Toma said it was a mid life crisis gone wrong."
Indistinguishable through a mouthful of cake, Machida makes a vaguely mournful noise.
"V6 think it's Tsuyoshi-san's fault," Yonehana continues and Yara pauses mid-sip of his cappuccino.
"... Yeah," he finally agrees. "Smart money's on that."
"So," Yonehana says, cocking an eyebrow and tilting his head towards the general direction of Koichi's apartment building. "Why don't we go and find out?"
Machida whimpers and crams half the slice of cake whole into his mouth.
*
"Your problem," Tsuyoshi explains nicely, wielding a curling iron dangerously close to Koichi's ear. "Is that you're not strict enough with your backdancers."
Nagase scoffs. "It's that everyone wants to get into his pants."
"They do not," Koichi says indignant, then freezes when Tsuyoshi taps him on the cheek with one manicured nail, half painted a deep violent purple.
"They want to get you out of your pants," Tsuyoshi says calmly.
Koichi looks down and smooths the flouncy layers of lace. "I'm wearing a dress."
"Too bad for them I do it best." Tsuyoshi smiles blandly at Koichi in the mirror and picks up a can of hairspray. "Close your eyes."
There's a pause as Tsuyoshi expertly wields the spray can, Nagase looking at them thoughtfully.
"Could you-"
"I'd have to kill you." Blithely, Tsuyoshi continues rearranging Koichi's hair to her satisfaction, not even looking up. Koichi gulps.
"Ah," Nagase says after a second.
"Besides," Koichi continues, deciding to ignore everything going over his head - less metaphorically than literally- "it's not my fault Akanishi has issues with authority figures and Kame is very confused about his sexuality."
"About your sexuality, you mean," Nagase snerks.
"I'll kill you," Koichi glowers. "Shut up, they're cute and only mostly dysfunctional."
"You think they're annoying little shits," Tsuyoshi points out. She takes a step and critically surveys Koichi's hair, a masterpiece of princess ringlets and hairspray.
"It's not mutually exclusive." Koichi all but sparkles up at them.
Tsuyoshi takes a look at Nagase's face, reaches out and twitches a stray curl into place and smiles. "Perfect."
"Eh?" Koichi asks, blinking rapidly.
Okada, quietly leafing through a magazine on the recliner, snorts. "Just Tsuyoshi's plan for world domination."
"Shh," Tsuyoshi says mildly. "You'll give it away."
Nagase looks terrified but for the sake of his future happiness, bravely soldiers on. "We should take advantage of this opportunity," he tells Koichi caljolingly. "You won't get recognised if you go out."
Koichi rolls his eyes. "You will."
"I'll wear a hat," Nagase says brightly.
"And carve off four inches of height?" Tsuyoshi says, mild. The styling comb in her hand suddenly looks very sharp.
Nagase stops and considers this very carefully. "I don't think carve is the right word."
"No," Tsuyoshi says, sweet. "It is."
"Oh."
"And," Koichi complains. "Where would we even go? There's everything I need right here."
"Like me?" Nagase offers.
"Like my laptop."
"Perhaps Koichi and I should go out on our own," Tsuyoshi muses, one curl of hair winding around and around her finger. "We won't be recognised."
Nagase beams. "I could take you both on a date."
"Kinki Kids," Tsuyoshi says primly. "Is two people."
"I can be kinky too," Nagase protests but before Tsuyoshi can get him in the face with hairspray, the doorbell rings.
"I'm going to go drown myself in the bath," Koichi declares and promptly tries to smother himself face down on the couch instead.
*
"Hey guys," Nagase says, opening the door with a friendly grin. "Sorry, Koichi's a bit busy today. He's just about to drown himself in the bath. Come back some other time."
"KOICHI-KUN," Machida wails in response and somehow, his lanky frame ducks past Nagase and into the room, rushing towards the couch and kicking his shoes off on the way. "Don't die! We love you no matter what!"
"What he said," Yonehana says with his best benevolent smile, looking up so that only the whites of his eyes can be seen. Nagase takes an inadvertant step back.
"Even if the surgery was botched," Yara adds, shoving past. Yone winces.
The somewhat familiar looking woman perched on the arm of the sofa falls onto it laughing, making the figure curled determinedly into the couch yelp. Machida, already kneeling in front of the couch, flails a little helplessly.
Yara comes to a screeching stop. "You're kidding."
Still giggling, Tsuyoshi rolls to her feet (to a chorus of protesting squeaks) and smooths her hair. She has a hand over her mouth, demure, and it's familiar from a few dozen episodes of Shin Domoto Kyoudai. Nagase takes a step back the other way.
"Tsuyoshi-san too?" Yara says, something like dread in his voice.
"Well," Tsuyoshi says primly, tugging her cropped vest straight. "Kinki Kids forever."
"On the plus side," Yone offers from safely behind Nagase. "That's definitely not surgery."
Half buried into the couch cushions, Machida's beseeching hand only millimetres from the bare skin of his shoulder, Koichi curls up even tighter, hands over his ears. Still stretched out on the recliner next to the couch, Okada reaches over and taps Machida on the shoulder with a bottle of red wine and a sympathetic look.
"Here," Okada says. "You look like you need this."
Machida squawks.
*