Another angsty post. (You've been warned!)
There's all sorts of banshee screaming about what the piece of shit I am, and how I do not deserve any friends, because only someone truly selfish would call a friend to go out and grab a slice of pizza when she's upset. They've decided to tell me about how all my friends secretly hate me, and I'll probably be dumped sooner or later because my boyfriend will realize that I am utterly useless and add nothing to anyone's life. This is, in fact, every single day. I'm still going through server training (and highly skeptical that I'll even get the job), but there has been no mention of that in this household except to snigger and say, "How's that training going for the job that you'll never get?"
I really can't take it anymore. What's worse is I'm not a minor, I'm a legal adult, so I could leave. I could just take all my stuff and peace out of here but I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, and no job to support myself. But there's only so many months that I can constantly listen to how I'm worthless and stupid and fat and ugly and unlikeable and a colossal failure before I start to get migraines. They can control what I eat, when I eat, where I go, how I leave the house; I am ignored and told to shut up and leave everyone alone on a constant daily basis when I try to start conversation, and told that I should not go out with my friends because I would be inflicting my presence on them as well.
What's worse than that is that I think I'm actually going to get dumped. Which would really suck (beyond how much it sucks to be dumped by someone you love and care about), because my birthday is tomorrow. I have no plans, I don't even have the energy to celebrate my birthday and I love the shit out of celebrating my birthday. It's a day about surrounding myself around friends, people who love me, telling stories and playing games and I don't need to feel shitty or insecure or upset about anything. Except I do feel shitty and insecure. I started a stupid fight with him and I would do anything to take it back, and now I'm going mad because I'm certain I'm getting dumped, and I can't do anything about it, like I can't about being in this godforsaken hellhole of a house.
I thought, when I was in college, all the times I ranted about this place in high school, I must have been emo and obnoxiously angsty. But no, this is just as miserable as I remember being at home being. I have no job, I'm not a full-time student, and even if I were one, I'd be financially dependent on my parents which is the big problem -- I'm tired of them having every little bit of control over me. I just want break free and have something that's mine. A job, a car, a place, anything. Something I can assert control over, and I can't while living here, while I'm surrounded by a mother who is miserable and wants everyone to be as trapped and miserable as her, a sister who suffers from an extreme case of escapism and social apathy, and a father who has admitted that he has no interest in speaking or looking at me because the sight of me makes him sick.
I really can't take it anymore. What's worse is I'm not a minor, I'm a legal adult, so I could leave. I could just take all my stuff and peace out of here but I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, and no job to support myself. But there's only so many months that I can constantly listen to how I'm worthless and stupid and fat and ugly and unlikeable and a colossal failure before I start to get migraines. They can control what I eat, when I eat, where I go, how I leave the house; I am ignored and told to shut up and leave everyone alone on a constant daily basis when I try to start conversation, and told that I should not go out with my friends because I would be inflicting my presence on them as well.
What's worse than that is that I think I'm actually going to get dumped. Which would really suck (beyond how much it sucks to be dumped by someone you love and care about), because my birthday is tomorrow. I have no plans, I don't even have the energy to celebrate my birthday and I love the shit out of celebrating my birthday. It's a day about surrounding myself around friends, people who love me, telling stories and playing games and I don't need to feel shitty or insecure or upset about anything. Except I do feel shitty and insecure. I started a stupid fight with him and I would do anything to take it back, and now I'm going mad because I'm certain I'm getting dumped, and I can't do anything about it, like I can't about being in this godforsaken hellhole of a house.
I thought, when I was in college, all the times I ranted about this place in high school, I must have been emo and obnoxiously angsty. But no, this is just as miserable as I remember being at home being. I have no job, I'm not a full-time student, and even if I were one, I'd be financially dependent on my parents which is the big problem -- I'm tired of them having every little bit of control over me. I just want break free and have something that's mine. A job, a car, a place, anything. Something I can assert control over, and I can't while living here, while I'm surrounded by a mother who is miserable and wants everyone to be as trapped and miserable as her, a sister who suffers from an extreme case of escapism and social apathy, and a father who has admitted that he has no interest in speaking or looking at me because the sight of me makes him sick.