(no subject)
I turn 17 in two weeks and two days.
And I'm still so fucking young.
Sometimes I can't stand it.
Somedays it's better when I don't think about it.
When I don't realize it, or others don't.
I can't do the things I'd like to do.
It sounds weird when people learn that he's 18 and I'm 16.
I hate that. Mind over matter, right?
I'd like to think I'm mature enough.
I just... for some reason it bothers the living
hell out of me. Why I couldn't have been born two years earlier.
I'm a coward.
I can't even stand up to my parents and let them know
my true goal in life because, of course, it's too unrealistic.
It wouldn't bring in that great of an income, I'm likely to fail.
It's a struggle when they keep talking about me being a teacher.
Sure, I would love to do it.
Sure, I could do it.
I tell people that I want to go to college for Art/Deaf Education.
Before that it was Art/Chemistry. Art/Photography.
At least one thing is consistent.
I want to fucking bake, or sell art, or do something like that
for a living. I want to live knowing that I can fail, and breaking that
stereotype. That prediction. I don't know what I want.
I'm going to disappoint them.
I am. I know it and they know it.
Part of me doesn't want to change it.
"Fuck it". Part of me wants to please them,
and be the semi-good little girl and become a teacher.
I can never live up to my brother or sister.
He's an Aerospace Engineer. Salutatorian. NCSU.
She's a UNC-CH graduate. 6th in her class. Sociology/Geography major.
God.
And I tell them I want to be an art teacher.
Or an artist. Wow. Big fucking success I'm going to be.
I can't wait until I come home after I turn 18.
Possible mohawk. Lip ring. Tattoos. "Hey mom and dad,
aren't you proud of me now!"
Like I said.
A big part of me wants to say fuck it.
To be myself. But there's that part
that can't stand disappointing them.
I suppose we'll see what happens when the time comes.
Who do I not disappoint?
Who doesn't think I complain too much,
or cry too much. And to think, Maddie,
who followed me around all over GSW,
told me that I was "sometimes completely infuriating".
I know, I know.
I am loved. And there are people who
think and see and believe in the better of me-
despite these "flaws" I see.
I'm jus a little hormonal right now.
Thinkin' too much. (Obviously).
Anyway.
End to this. Please.
And I'm still so fucking young.
Sometimes I can't stand it.
Somedays it's better when I don't think about it.
When I don't realize it, or others don't.
I can't do the things I'd like to do.
It sounds weird when people learn that he's 18 and I'm 16.
I hate that. Mind over matter, right?
I'd like to think I'm mature enough.
I just... for some reason it bothers the living
hell out of me. Why I couldn't have been born two years earlier.
I'm a coward.
I can't even stand up to my parents and let them know
my true goal in life because, of course, it's too unrealistic.
It wouldn't bring in that great of an income, I'm likely to fail.
It's a struggle when they keep talking about me being a teacher.
Sure, I would love to do it.
Sure, I could do it.
I tell people that I want to go to college for Art/Deaf Education.
Before that it was Art/Chemistry. Art/Photography.
At least one thing is consistent.
I want to fucking bake, or sell art, or do something like that
for a living. I want to live knowing that I can fail, and breaking that
stereotype. That prediction. I don't know what I want.
I'm going to disappoint them.
I am. I know it and they know it.
Part of me doesn't want to change it.
"Fuck it". Part of me wants to please them,
and be the semi-good little girl and become a teacher.
I can never live up to my brother or sister.
He's an Aerospace Engineer. Salutatorian. NCSU.
She's a UNC-CH graduate. 6th in her class. Sociology/Geography major.
God.
And I tell them I want to be an art teacher.
Or an artist. Wow. Big fucking success I'm going to be.
I can't wait until I come home after I turn 18.
Possible mohawk. Lip ring. Tattoos. "Hey mom and dad,
aren't you proud of me now!"
Like I said.
A big part of me wants to say fuck it.
To be myself. But there's that part
that can't stand disappointing them.
I suppose we'll see what happens when the time comes.
Who do I not disappoint?
Who doesn't think I complain too much,
or cry too much. And to think, Maddie,
who followed me around all over GSW,
told me that I was "sometimes completely infuriating".
I know, I know.
I am loved. And there are people who
think and see and believe in the better of me-
despite these "flaws" I see.
I'm jus a little hormonal right now.
Thinkin' too much. (Obviously).
Anyway.
End to this. Please.