(no subject)
i'm having one of those days where i want to slam my head in the door and then crawl under the covers until the damage heals. i think it's a combination of coffee and extreme dissatisfaction with work. i feel edgy and antsy and this need to be somewhere else.
i think i place too much value on sleep. i really love it, and would rather do that than anything else. that includes hanging out with my friends. i see this as being a problem. i'm not sure if i'm really tired or just psychically fatigued on a larger level. i think part of it is that i have complete control over my imagination and dreams and can create worlds where even the drama is part of an elaborate plot that i have designed.
my mother tried to get me to watch "father ted" episodes last night, claiming that a comedy about irish catholic priests mocking the church is part of my heritage as an irish catholic. i didn't think it was funny. at all. not even funny on a problematic level where you feel guilty about being amused by really wrong shit. one of the episodes began with a priest from cuba who couldn't be understood- the funny part there was that a bland irish accent translated over what he said. and as a latino of course, he was vulgar and made crude sexual innuendos. on the second episode, the priests were participating in an "all priest look a like" contest- their rivals did a poor showing as diana ross and the supremes and the humor there was in seeing irish priests in black face and drag.
i've spent the afternoon thinking a bit about elitism. i read a short essay on sceneism within anarchist/leftist circles so i've been trying to examine how i behave in groups where i have friends. the article uses the elitism surrounding music scenes as a reference/comparison point, so i've also been thinking about my relationship to music and my friends and the band i'm working on. i'd been thinking lately about how much of a conscious effort it takes to dress "indie" and my desire to conform to that and simultaneous annoyance that i feel judged if i do not conform to indie culture. i've never been a "good" dresser under any style and i go through periods where i'm incredibly self conscious about it. i would like to think that my current social and political circle is beyond that, but whenever i convince myself that image and outsides aren't important, something happens to remind me that yes, it is important to be physically beautiful and slender and feminine(if you're a straight female) to be seen as attractive: that is important to leftists too.
i think that when i'm in groups with people i already have friendships with, i have a tendency to try to ally with them during discussions- someone says something that's maybe not quite where we're at, and we do this meaningful eye contact thing and usually end up laughing about it later. and i think we've gotten so mean... i think there's a difference between asserting the fact that, yes, we ARE an anticapitalist group and then being jerks later because it makes us feel more active or like we're doing something by the very fact that we're more developed in ideology.
i don't know. this is all garbled i think. sometimes i feel like i can sense understanding of larger things just hovering in the periphery- if i turn my head fast enough i can see it for an instant and then it disappears and i'm left with this feeling of loss and frustration at being so close.
i think i place too much value on sleep. i really love it, and would rather do that than anything else. that includes hanging out with my friends. i see this as being a problem. i'm not sure if i'm really tired or just psychically fatigued on a larger level. i think part of it is that i have complete control over my imagination and dreams and can create worlds where even the drama is part of an elaborate plot that i have designed.
my mother tried to get me to watch "father ted" episodes last night, claiming that a comedy about irish catholic priests mocking the church is part of my heritage as an irish catholic. i didn't think it was funny. at all. not even funny on a problematic level where you feel guilty about being amused by really wrong shit. one of the episodes began with a priest from cuba who couldn't be understood- the funny part there was that a bland irish accent translated over what he said. and as a latino of course, he was vulgar and made crude sexual innuendos. on the second episode, the priests were participating in an "all priest look a like" contest- their rivals did a poor showing as diana ross and the supremes and the humor there was in seeing irish priests in black face and drag.
i've spent the afternoon thinking a bit about elitism. i read a short essay on sceneism within anarchist/leftist circles so i've been trying to examine how i behave in groups where i have friends. the article uses the elitism surrounding music scenes as a reference/comparison point, so i've also been thinking about my relationship to music and my friends and the band i'm working on. i'd been thinking lately about how much of a conscious effort it takes to dress "indie" and my desire to conform to that and simultaneous annoyance that i feel judged if i do not conform to indie culture. i've never been a "good" dresser under any style and i go through periods where i'm incredibly self conscious about it. i would like to think that my current social and political circle is beyond that, but whenever i convince myself that image and outsides aren't important, something happens to remind me that yes, it is important to be physically beautiful and slender and feminine(if you're a straight female) to be seen as attractive: that is important to leftists too.
i think that when i'm in groups with people i already have friendships with, i have a tendency to try to ally with them during discussions- someone says something that's maybe not quite where we're at, and we do this meaningful eye contact thing and usually end up laughing about it later. and i think we've gotten so mean... i think there's a difference between asserting the fact that, yes, we ARE an anticapitalist group and then being jerks later because it makes us feel more active or like we're doing something by the very fact that we're more developed in ideology.
i don't know. this is all garbled i think. sometimes i feel like i can sense understanding of larger things just hovering in the periphery- if i turn my head fast enough i can see it for an instant and then it disappears and i'm left with this feeling of loss and frustration at being so close.