A shamefully depressing update
I thought that after my long blogging absence I'd come back and write about how wonderful my summer was what with being in NY for a week, Disney and Paris for a few days, having the best birthday ever, amazing presents and a great time spent at home after Warsaw to name a few, but instead, I'm sat here crying my eyes out because it's been 2 years since I lost my Mom.
To be honest I thought I was coping well which on a normal day is probably true even though I do miss her like hell at certain times. I have so much to tell her all the time, so much I'd like her to see and know. Please guys, if you comment do not tell me that she is watching over me and is with me all the time because yes, it may be true but it's nothing like having her physically with me and today I don't want to hear that. I used to message her almost every hour just to update her on random things, I use to go shopping with her and we would have lunch together followed by a sinful coffee and cake, I also used to tell her about my fears and what scared me and she always had the answer. She always knew what to tell me to make me feel better and usually it was exactly what I needed to hear. She listened to my incessant rants about my weight, about how I felt insecure with people, with friends, with boys.. I could tell her absolutely everything. She was my Mom but she was also my best friend and today at this moment, the thing I need the most is a big hug from her. And that's not even talking about the jealousy I sometimes feel when some of my friends tell me about their shopping/girly days with their moms or the rage I know is inside me, ready to surface at the mention of people hating their moms.
I want her to know how well I've done this year, how much fun I've had but also how hard it was to feel that if I was the real me I wasn't going to fit in. I feel I was playing a role because yes, I do like to have fun and all - who doesn't - but I hate clubbing and I only occasionally drink but this year, I did it all to fit in despite it not being me. I went to the gym and I went swimming, I studied despite no-one else studying, and those 3 facts were probably the only part of the real Annie that remained with me in Warsaw. I know myself that it was just what I needed at the time, I needed to get away and not be Annie for a while which worked wonders at the start but then, it got tiring pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't regret it because if I hadn't left France I would have gone mad and I loved the light-hearted feeling of the first few months but you can't change the inner you no matter how hard you try! That's something I've learned this year and I'm hoping it'll stay with me now that I'm home, that, and the not caring so much feeling.
I do feel better, and I do like my dad's girlfriend, she's nice and yes, I want to make efforts with everyone which I am and I know my dad is grateful. But I still feel like everyone has moved on and I'm stuck here. I mean, my dad kissed me this morning and told me he was thinking about mom which was nice but still, it's not the same. My bro has his gf and now has babies, my dad has a gf and who do I have? I have friends sure, I have family who I love me and who I love but it's not the same. I feel so lonely at time even if people are around me - my dad would say that I need to talk to people, let them in on my deep secrets he means but I don't know. It feels like letting people know that you're not as strong as they think you are. Plus, I feel that by now it should be ok but it's not. I'm not moody all the time, I'm not depressed or maybe I am but it's nothing like it used to be. And the fact that I'm stuck at home for another 2 weeks at least isn't helping either as all I'm doing is sitting here when I want to go to the gym and do other things but it's too expensive and I'm always lazy anyway when I'm here. But even in taking into account those statements, it still feels that I should be doing better.
I think one of my main problems is that I'm never happy and I'm always comparing myself to other people, something I've always done but it was made easier as my Mom always managed to talk me out of my uselessness feeling. I always look at other girls because they are prettier, taller and thinner than me and I'm always wondering what can I do to be more like them. I always look at couples and think I would kill to be part of one but then I feel that no, I'm not made to meet someone because I love my independence too much which in turn makes me feel sad. Even when I'm with my friends I look at other groups of friends and think there's must be better. Viscous circle you said? I'm so fed up of all this and to be honest I think it's not going to get better, on the friend/boyfriend front at least as I'm going back to uni in a year where I know absolutely nobody, in a degree where all the girls are bitches/snobs and all the guys are mummy boys. The joy.
Ha, and something funny or horribly ironic depending on how you see it: in Warsaw, everyone I met couldn't believe I was French because apparently, even overseas and in other countries, french people have the reputation of being snobbish and very bitchy, especially girls which didn't fit with me because I was "so nice" and "so sweet". What have I been saying for the past, oh 10 years or so? At least now I know I was right and not just difficult/a lost cause/socially inadequate! Yey me!
To be honest I thought I was coping well which on a normal day is probably true even though I do miss her like hell at certain times. I have so much to tell her all the time, so much I'd like her to see and know. Please guys, if you comment do not tell me that she is watching over me and is with me all the time because yes, it may be true but it's nothing like having her physically with me and today I don't want to hear that. I used to message her almost every hour just to update her on random things, I use to go shopping with her and we would have lunch together followed by a sinful coffee and cake, I also used to tell her about my fears and what scared me and she always had the answer. She always knew what to tell me to make me feel better and usually it was exactly what I needed to hear. She listened to my incessant rants about my weight, about how I felt insecure with people, with friends, with boys.. I could tell her absolutely everything. She was my Mom but she was also my best friend and today at this moment, the thing I need the most is a big hug from her. And that's not even talking about the jealousy I sometimes feel when some of my friends tell me about their shopping/girly days with their moms or the rage I know is inside me, ready to surface at the mention of people hating their moms.
I want her to know how well I've done this year, how much fun I've had but also how hard it was to feel that if I was the real me I wasn't going to fit in. I feel I was playing a role because yes, I do like to have fun and all - who doesn't - but I hate clubbing and I only occasionally drink but this year, I did it all to fit in despite it not being me. I went to the gym and I went swimming, I studied despite no-one else studying, and those 3 facts were probably the only part of the real Annie that remained with me in Warsaw. I know myself that it was just what I needed at the time, I needed to get away and not be Annie for a while which worked wonders at the start but then, it got tiring pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't regret it because if I hadn't left France I would have gone mad and I loved the light-hearted feeling of the first few months but you can't change the inner you no matter how hard you try! That's something I've learned this year and I'm hoping it'll stay with me now that I'm home, that, and the not caring so much feeling.
I do feel better, and I do like my dad's girlfriend, she's nice and yes, I want to make efforts with everyone which I am and I know my dad is grateful. But I still feel like everyone has moved on and I'm stuck here. I mean, my dad kissed me this morning and told me he was thinking about mom which was nice but still, it's not the same. My bro has his gf and now has babies, my dad has a gf and who do I have? I have friends sure, I have family who I love me and who I love but it's not the same. I feel so lonely at time even if people are around me - my dad would say that I need to talk to people, let them in on my deep secrets he means but I don't know. It feels like letting people know that you're not as strong as they think you are. Plus, I feel that by now it should be ok but it's not. I'm not moody all the time, I'm not depressed or maybe I am but it's nothing like it used to be. And the fact that I'm stuck at home for another 2 weeks at least isn't helping either as all I'm doing is sitting here when I want to go to the gym and do other things but it's too expensive and I'm always lazy anyway when I'm here. But even in taking into account those statements, it still feels that I should be doing better.
I think one of my main problems is that I'm never happy and I'm always comparing myself to other people, something I've always done but it was made easier as my Mom always managed to talk me out of my uselessness feeling. I always look at other girls because they are prettier, taller and thinner than me and I'm always wondering what can I do to be more like them. I always look at couples and think I would kill to be part of one but then I feel that no, I'm not made to meet someone because I love my independence too much which in turn makes me feel sad. Even when I'm with my friends I look at other groups of friends and think there's must be better. Viscous circle you said? I'm so fed up of all this and to be honest I think it's not going to get better, on the friend/boyfriend front at least as I'm going back to uni in a year where I know absolutely nobody, in a degree where all the girls are bitches/snobs and all the guys are mummy boys. The joy.
Ha, and something funny or horribly ironic depending on how you see it: in Warsaw, everyone I met couldn't believe I was French because apparently, even overseas and in other countries, french people have the reputation of being snobbish and very bitchy, especially girls which didn't fit with me because I was "so nice" and "so sweet". What have I been saying for the past, oh 10 years or so? At least now I know I was right and not just difficult/a lost cause/socially inadequate! Yey me!