good and bad...sorry about the sad part though
so it's been awhile since i last updated and to be honest not much has happened til this weekend. more working on my painting, more reading, more working for my mom. but now i've started packing for school and am waiting on pins and needles to get the hell away from home. so let em tell you about this weekend and then i'll go through my train of thought.
this weekend i went up to carson city/lake tahoe, back up to scott's family's place. we got there hella late on friday because of car complications and went to sleep almost immediately when we got there. saturday we drove to reno to check out "hot august nights" which is a extremely huge display of cars from 1972 and back. it was fun checking out the old cars though it was really really hot. eventually i went walking around with scott's aunt ingrid and his 10 year old cousin, checking out the vendors and eventually going into a casino to cool off. we migrated toward the car auction at a different part of town and ate lunch while going around the really large showroom looking at more cars. when we decided to leave, we walked outside and a thunderstorm had come in. it was pouring when we walked outside so scott was nice enough to pull the car around for us. anyway, we went back to carson city and scott and i went off to the lake tahoe shakespeare festival. the theater is outside and the seats are not built in. you have to bring your own lawn chair and dig it into the sand that is angled upward. the stage faces away from the lake so you look at the stage with the lake behind it. we grabbed seats near the top to stage left and ate the picnic like dinner we brought. we then sat for a little while until around sundown when they finally started the scottish play, macbeth. it was pretty good. i really enjoyed the whole experience. sunday, scott's grandparents were in town for their anniversary so we spent the day with them. we took a driving tour around lake tahoe, ate lunch at gar woods restaurant, then eventually went back to carson city, hung around, then had a family bbq. it was really nice and i was really happy at how receptive his family was toward me. then today we got up, had more car complications, visited scott's anut ingirid's mom in a home, then made the 5 hour drive home.
here's what has gone through my mind, at least what i can remember:
-for one thing i am really thankful for the family that cares about me. i really wish i could see them more often but we are a family of work-a-holics. every one is so busy and we hardly make any time to do get togethers. mind you this is my mom's side of the family. thanks to my dad, his family doesn't talk to me anymore. it really hurts to not have the support of famliy around very much. granted i have my mom and brother and even to a certain degree my dad, but all four of us really clash. we love each other in the end but it's hard to get along. feeling like i don't have much family has made my friends become my family and even some of their families as well. i know this might sound selfish, especially when i obviously do have family that cares. but it's hard to know that they care when you hardly hear from them or can't go one day without getting upset with them. it almost feels like an omen saying i don't deserve a loving family.
-every one who knows me knows that there are certain thing i'm very picky about...my clothes, sometimes food esp. fruit...but i realized today that i'm picky as far as volunteering too. let me explain. many people have suggested to me to volunteer while i'm still at home. that's a great idea, although a few of the suggestions i realized just don't work for me though they work for other people. today i realized just how much i don't like nursing homes. the ones i've been to with an exceptional few, the people i went to visit or the staff have been wonderful, but i just don't like being in nursing homes. i haven't fully figured out why though. i've played around with the thought that my grandpa died in a nursing home and a couple other people i really care about though not in my family have suffered in nursing homes. i really don't know though. i just know that sue, ingrid's mother, was really sweet and the environment was nice. scott was great talking to her but i froze. when we left, i felt like such a terrible person that once we got back to the dealership where scott's car was, i went into the bathroom and cried. i felt so awful to the point where i made myself nauseous. this got me thinking to the kinds of volunteering that i enjoy and i work best with animals and really young kids in small doses. there might be others, i don't know of yet, but this is what i can do so far. i know that i don't have to be good at every kind of volunteering or anything of the sort but it feels like since i'm not good with elderly, disabled people, or things like soup kitchens, i feel selfish cause of my own thoughts and others making me feel bad. i really am a people person, but i really don't know why i'm not good in those situations.
-i am not myself this summer. so much, yet so little at the same time has happened. more than anything i have had way too much time to think and overanalyze things. good things have happened though, for instance trip to LA, both trips to lake tahoe, and small moments of talking on the phone, test driving a 2005 mustang, or being able to finish 5 books this summer. (i used to not be able to read one full one. i can't remember that last time i did all the required summer reading which was usually 3 books.) there have been many profound moments of thought and even moments of growth, however, this is not me. it took someone to say it to my face that they are worried about me to and that they know this person who cries a few times a week, is extremely lonely and somewhat needy is not who i really am, to realize that this is not who i am. i'm not always this sad or this neurotic. i feel really bad for those who have gotten the brunt of it all (i'm sorry) and i'm glad that you can read me better than i think people can. hopefully this will change once school starts and i'll be able to focus my energy where i feel important and in a place i feel needed/wanted.
i'm sure there's more but i fee like stopping. i was tired yet in a good mood when i got home but now i'm tired and depressed. i'm off to do something that will make me happy or at least get my mind off of this for now and focus on good stuff in my life, such as writing those letters and emails i've been meaning to do. ...i think i'm gonna go buy myself flowers tomorrow as well. they usually make me feel at least a tiny bit better. :)
this weekend i went up to carson city/lake tahoe, back up to scott's family's place. we got there hella late on friday because of car complications and went to sleep almost immediately when we got there. saturday we drove to reno to check out "hot august nights" which is a extremely huge display of cars from 1972 and back. it was fun checking out the old cars though it was really really hot. eventually i went walking around with scott's aunt ingrid and his 10 year old cousin, checking out the vendors and eventually going into a casino to cool off. we migrated toward the car auction at a different part of town and ate lunch while going around the really large showroom looking at more cars. when we decided to leave, we walked outside and a thunderstorm had come in. it was pouring when we walked outside so scott was nice enough to pull the car around for us. anyway, we went back to carson city and scott and i went off to the lake tahoe shakespeare festival. the theater is outside and the seats are not built in. you have to bring your own lawn chair and dig it into the sand that is angled upward. the stage faces away from the lake so you look at the stage with the lake behind it. we grabbed seats near the top to stage left and ate the picnic like dinner we brought. we then sat for a little while until around sundown when they finally started the scottish play, macbeth. it was pretty good. i really enjoyed the whole experience. sunday, scott's grandparents were in town for their anniversary so we spent the day with them. we took a driving tour around lake tahoe, ate lunch at gar woods restaurant, then eventually went back to carson city, hung around, then had a family bbq. it was really nice and i was really happy at how receptive his family was toward me. then today we got up, had more car complications, visited scott's anut ingirid's mom in a home, then made the 5 hour drive home.
here's what has gone through my mind, at least what i can remember:
-for one thing i am really thankful for the family that cares about me. i really wish i could see them more often but we are a family of work-a-holics. every one is so busy and we hardly make any time to do get togethers. mind you this is my mom's side of the family. thanks to my dad, his family doesn't talk to me anymore. it really hurts to not have the support of famliy around very much. granted i have my mom and brother and even to a certain degree my dad, but all four of us really clash. we love each other in the end but it's hard to get along. feeling like i don't have much family has made my friends become my family and even some of their families as well. i know this might sound selfish, especially when i obviously do have family that cares. but it's hard to know that they care when you hardly hear from them or can't go one day without getting upset with them. it almost feels like an omen saying i don't deserve a loving family.
-every one who knows me knows that there are certain thing i'm very picky about...my clothes, sometimes food esp. fruit...but i realized today that i'm picky as far as volunteering too. let me explain. many people have suggested to me to volunteer while i'm still at home. that's a great idea, although a few of the suggestions i realized just don't work for me though they work for other people. today i realized just how much i don't like nursing homes. the ones i've been to with an exceptional few, the people i went to visit or the staff have been wonderful, but i just don't like being in nursing homes. i haven't fully figured out why though. i've played around with the thought that my grandpa died in a nursing home and a couple other people i really care about though not in my family have suffered in nursing homes. i really don't know though. i just know that sue, ingrid's mother, was really sweet and the environment was nice. scott was great talking to her but i froze. when we left, i felt like such a terrible person that once we got back to the dealership where scott's car was, i went into the bathroom and cried. i felt so awful to the point where i made myself nauseous. this got me thinking to the kinds of volunteering that i enjoy and i work best with animals and really young kids in small doses. there might be others, i don't know of yet, but this is what i can do so far. i know that i don't have to be good at every kind of volunteering or anything of the sort but it feels like since i'm not good with elderly, disabled people, or things like soup kitchens, i feel selfish cause of my own thoughts and others making me feel bad. i really am a people person, but i really don't know why i'm not good in those situations.
-i am not myself this summer. so much, yet so little at the same time has happened. more than anything i have had way too much time to think and overanalyze things. good things have happened though, for instance trip to LA, both trips to lake tahoe, and small moments of talking on the phone, test driving a 2005 mustang, or being able to finish 5 books this summer. (i used to not be able to read one full one. i can't remember that last time i did all the required summer reading which was usually 3 books.) there have been many profound moments of thought and even moments of growth, however, this is not me. it took someone to say it to my face that they are worried about me to and that they know this person who cries a few times a week, is extremely lonely and somewhat needy is not who i really am, to realize that this is not who i am. i'm not always this sad or this neurotic. i feel really bad for those who have gotten the brunt of it all (i'm sorry) and i'm glad that you can read me better than i think people can. hopefully this will change once school starts and i'll be able to focus my energy where i feel important and in a place i feel needed/wanted.
i'm sure there's more but i fee like stopping. i was tired yet in a good mood when i got home but now i'm tired and depressed. i'm off to do something that will make me happy or at least get my mind off of this for now and focus on good stuff in my life, such as writing those letters and emails i've been meaning to do. ...i think i'm gonna go buy myself flowers tomorrow as well. they usually make me feel at least a tiny bit better. :)