this is a long one!
so i got to see patrick today for a few hours. for some reason hanging out with him is fun but something bad always happens. not in the serious someone gets hurt way, but more of the his life makes me think about mine way. ...here's the update on pat: he is very far in debt to his parents so he works at Papa Murphy's which is pizza place. sometimes he has a second job but right now he has just the one. he hates it of course but it brings in a paycheck, except for the fact that he uses his paychecks to buy weed or shrooms, which according to him are more fun than weed and cause no health problems, but apparently they are hard to come by. he has no desire to go completely sober, but does want to cut back which i'm proud of him for cause at least it's a step. anyway, his dad and step-mom are kicking him out of the house and his mom and step-dad are luckily letting him stay with them although she's not too happy with him. he has a new girlfriend which he isn't happy about because he was just sleeping with her for about 4 months while she had a boyfriend. the boyfriend dumped her a few weeks ago and now pat is with this girl unwillingly. not only does he just not want to date her, but they also work together and he is her boss. ....great! not only that his grades are very bad and he is at the point of being kicked out of san jose state. the reason for that is mostly because he slacked off royally. either way he might not be in school too long. this concerns me for many reasons but mainly because i'm one of his biggest supporters of staying in school and doing something with his life. i always have been, all through out high school i made sure that he didn't drop out even though he really wanted to.
anyway, here's how his situation made me think about me. ( i'm writing as the thoughts come into my head so it might be a little scattered.):
the main thing i thought about after i left his house was how the hell are we friends? in all reality, pat is almost everything i don't want to be and embodies a person who i would normally never hang around. he's lazy, he does drugs, deals once in awhile, isn't very responsible with school, women are mostly objects to him i.e. the pizza girl but not in the jock chauvinistic way but more the "skinny tall heavy metal blue hair stereotype" way although not every girl is an object to him only ones he finds easy to fuck, he's slightly dense, and sees no happiness in his future.
so why am i friends with him? hell if i know. the guesses i came up with are these: we have a history. we realized today that we have known each other since the very beginning of high school which makes almost 5 years. the way we got to know each other is ...slighly different. ( back to school dance, freshman year about 2 or 3 weeks into school. i met him the week before at a football game cause he was in band and i knew julie who knew richard who was also in band and knew patrick. anyway, at the dance all the people we knew were hooking up and we were shoved together by julie and richard. so we were actually an item until monday afternoon. we had a talk after school and we talked about how both of us felt like it wasn't right and the way we got together just didn't work. basically we mutually broke up and we have been friends ever since.)
we talked about it a little while we were driving around doing nothing and i found out that he remembers that event just as clearly as i do. .... it got me to thinking. i remember it clearly cause not only was it a huge moment in my developing life, but it's the moment he and i realized that there was a friendship waiting to happen between us. that moment meant as much to him as it did to me. what does that say? to me it says that he really cares about the fact that we are friends. i mean even though we get really busy during the year and call each other maybe every other month, it means a lot to him. pat's not really the kind of person to say all this mushy to stuff to my face (then again not many guys are which i think sucks but oh well) but knowing him this long and being the person to constantly reassure him that life will turn around although not always believing it myself, i was able to tell that even though we are the type of people who normally would never be friends, we are both very glad that we are. .... but what i don't get is why. i don't get why we are friends. nothing we do anymore solidifies our friendship and hanging out with him today and a couple of his friends made me uncomfortable and feel out of place cause i was the only one who doesn't do any type of drug. plus i was the only person who was going to a 4 year university in a different place other than the bay area, not living at home, and got my money from my parents (which made me feel even worse than i already do using my parents money). .... he is so unhappy, i don't know how to help him. i don't even know if i can or in some ways if i really want to. a lot of the shit he gets in is his own damn fault....but i still feel really bad for him. pat's has good aspects too. i mean he treats me with respect, when he hugs me i can tell that he cares, anytime we talk on the phone if both of us feel shitty he makes sure that i feel better before he even starts to talk about what's wrong with him no matter how much i try to find out what's bothering him first, and little things like today when we sat in the park and just talked for awhile we sat on one of those picnic table things and at one point i was sitting cross-legged on the table and he had his head on my leg and was lying on the rest of the table. that kind of moment always makes me happy. i love it when i'm sitting with a friend and they put their head either on my shoulder or on my leg like that. i have no idea why but it ALWAYS makes me happy. i think it just feels intimate in that it's touch that isn't necessarily romantic but it's gesture that you need to feel close to the other person in order to do....if that makes any sense at all. anyway, my point is that there are good things about patrick despite the overwhelming differences between us.
......i don't get it. i wonder if i just feel kinda responsible for him and it makes me want to be around him more, or ....who knows. ....well it also doesn't hurt that during first semester when i felt like i hit rock bottom i had a conversation with him online where he said things like "you are the person who deserves happiness over anyone else" and "i knew at some point i was going to marry you" and we both have no problem saying i love you..i mean we don't say it that often but usually when it comes out it's said with ease. ... i know what you might be thinking, us romantically. never going to work. i've thought about it before and true he has one of the hottest faces i have ever seen but me and him in a relationship like that is no longer an option. it hasn't been for a long time and especially not now. i don't know, i don't get it. ....maybe the good just outweigh the bad. maybe there isn't really anything to get. maybe things just are the way they are. i don't feel that i'm over thinking this at all, but i do wonder if maybe the answer to all of this could be "it just is" ..... *sigh*
sorry this is so long but it felt necessary.
anyway, here's how his situation made me think about me. ( i'm writing as the thoughts come into my head so it might be a little scattered.):
the main thing i thought about after i left his house was how the hell are we friends? in all reality, pat is almost everything i don't want to be and embodies a person who i would normally never hang around. he's lazy, he does drugs, deals once in awhile, isn't very responsible with school, women are mostly objects to him i.e. the pizza girl but not in the jock chauvinistic way but more the "skinny tall heavy metal blue hair stereotype" way although not every girl is an object to him only ones he finds easy to fuck, he's slightly dense, and sees no happiness in his future.
so why am i friends with him? hell if i know. the guesses i came up with are these: we have a history. we realized today that we have known each other since the very beginning of high school which makes almost 5 years. the way we got to know each other is ...slighly different. ( back to school dance, freshman year about 2 or 3 weeks into school. i met him the week before at a football game cause he was in band and i knew julie who knew richard who was also in band and knew patrick. anyway, at the dance all the people we knew were hooking up and we were shoved together by julie and richard. so we were actually an item until monday afternoon. we had a talk after school and we talked about how both of us felt like it wasn't right and the way we got together just didn't work. basically we mutually broke up and we have been friends ever since.)
we talked about it a little while we were driving around doing nothing and i found out that he remembers that event just as clearly as i do. .... it got me to thinking. i remember it clearly cause not only was it a huge moment in my developing life, but it's the moment he and i realized that there was a friendship waiting to happen between us. that moment meant as much to him as it did to me. what does that say? to me it says that he really cares about the fact that we are friends. i mean even though we get really busy during the year and call each other maybe every other month, it means a lot to him. pat's not really the kind of person to say all this mushy to stuff to my face (then again not many guys are which i think sucks but oh well) but knowing him this long and being the person to constantly reassure him that life will turn around although not always believing it myself, i was able to tell that even though we are the type of people who normally would never be friends, we are both very glad that we are. .... but what i don't get is why. i don't get why we are friends. nothing we do anymore solidifies our friendship and hanging out with him today and a couple of his friends made me uncomfortable and feel out of place cause i was the only one who doesn't do any type of drug. plus i was the only person who was going to a 4 year university in a different place other than the bay area, not living at home, and got my money from my parents (which made me feel even worse than i already do using my parents money). .... he is so unhappy, i don't know how to help him. i don't even know if i can or in some ways if i really want to. a lot of the shit he gets in is his own damn fault....but i still feel really bad for him. pat's has good aspects too. i mean he treats me with respect, when he hugs me i can tell that he cares, anytime we talk on the phone if both of us feel shitty he makes sure that i feel better before he even starts to talk about what's wrong with him no matter how much i try to find out what's bothering him first, and little things like today when we sat in the park and just talked for awhile we sat on one of those picnic table things and at one point i was sitting cross-legged on the table and he had his head on my leg and was lying on the rest of the table. that kind of moment always makes me happy. i love it when i'm sitting with a friend and they put their head either on my shoulder or on my leg like that. i have no idea why but it ALWAYS makes me happy. i think it just feels intimate in that it's touch that isn't necessarily romantic but it's gesture that you need to feel close to the other person in order to do....if that makes any sense at all. anyway, my point is that there are good things about patrick despite the overwhelming differences between us.
......i don't get it. i wonder if i just feel kinda responsible for him and it makes me want to be around him more, or ....who knows. ....well it also doesn't hurt that during first semester when i felt like i hit rock bottom i had a conversation with him online where he said things like "you are the person who deserves happiness over anyone else" and "i knew at some point i was going to marry you" and we both have no problem saying i love you..i mean we don't say it that often but usually when it comes out it's said with ease. ... i know what you might be thinking, us romantically. never going to work. i've thought about it before and true he has one of the hottest faces i have ever seen but me and him in a relationship like that is no longer an option. it hasn't been for a long time and especially not now. i don't know, i don't get it. ....maybe the good just outweigh the bad. maybe there isn't really anything to get. maybe things just are the way they are. i don't feel that i'm over thinking this at all, but i do wonder if maybe the answer to all of this could be "it just is" ..... *sigh*
sorry this is so long but it felt necessary.