Did I mention that I am an emotional masochist?
I remember when I was pregnant being at my kitchen table assembling a puzzle and KNOWING right then THAT was the moment. I felt like I could choose right then and there if I wanted to get involved with this guy or walk away. I remember wondering if it was too late, if the moment had actually passed and I just *thought* this was the moment. I remember deciding that I could keep going without getting really involved.
I was actually too late. As I assembled that puzzle... I was waiting for his call.
When I was in the hospital after giving birth to Ethan, a nurse who was studying to be a psychologist interviewed me and she said something that really stuck with me. She said... she got the feeling that I wasn't the type to fall in love. Part of me really wished that was true. More specifically, I wish I was the type that fell in love logically, that didn't fall in love foolishly.
I loved Tom to the core of my being. I think anyone who has ever read even one of my posts knows that. I loved him so blindly and completely. I really just *knew* he was my other half. I ignored every flaw and problem and physical deformity. When I decided to keep Ethan, Tom decided not to talk to me anymore. I suppose that is fair, I aborted his pregnancy but kept a strangers. (BTW THAT is why the nurse thought I wasn't the type to fall in love, because I never loved Ethan's father. I just couldn't face another abortion, it was the right choice the first time but twice... So I kept Ethan.)
By the time I met Eric I knew I was going to be moving back to Chicago. I was bored and lonely in Indianapolis. My only friend was Marcus, a married man from church. Eric was fun and into anime and video games too and silly. I needed silly. I wanted to be happy my last few months there before I had Ethan and had to leave.
But most important of all of Eric qualities was that he was available. Eric was a widower. He was a whore... but single. He had two children, a boy and a girl. I knew that no relationship with him could go anywhere because:
1: I was leaving
2: He was a whore and obviously not the faithful monogamous type
3: He had kids and I had one on the way
But I saw no harm in having some fun until it was time to go.
Where did I find myself? Sitting at the kitchen table, assembling a puzzle and waiting for my phone to ring.
WHY OH WHY didn't I just quit while I was behind? Because I was pregnant and bored and alone and he took that away, as temporary as it was. With him I was happy, I felt pretty, even sexy at times (Virtually impossible while pregnant I found). With him I wasn't just a woman abandoned by her local family while pregnant and all alone. I could go, and sit at his job and talk to him. He could come by my apartment and hang out. We could talk about anything, everything.
After I had Ethan... He came by a few times. He was so good with him. He would hold him and walk with him.
I knew there was nowhere for this to go. I knew it. I so knew it.
So now what? We haven't talked in almost 3 weeks. He doesn't call me. We didn't talk on my birthday. We didn't talk on Thanksgiving. And I am determined not to let myself get so week that I call him and try to talk to him. It's been over a LONG time but I just kept holding on because he made me so happy and I want that back. I want to be mindlessly, recklessly happy again. I want to be "damn the consequences" happy but that's how I got where I am NOW, isn't it? I damned the consequences and here I am, and here they are.
I also ignored the problems as I am so wont (I can't believe I just used the word "wont" I feel sooooooo smart. Not "want" or "won't" but "wont") to do:
*Eric was a whore, I couldn't trust him as far as I could fling him.
*I never met his family (Except his lesbian cousin).
*He didn't want me to know where he lived.
*He never did what he said he would.
*And in more ways than one he was like Anthony Edward Lewis... which I should have KNOWN was UNACCEPTABLE.
*And these are just the problems I can think of right now.
What did I think was going to happen? We'd combine families and I would be a mom of 3 and he would be the doting househusband that cooks and cleans and does the dishes while I bring home the bacon? Maybe...
What did I know was gonna happen? This wasn't gonna end well... and I went for it anyway.
Emotional. Masochist.
I wonder if he'll call me tonight...
I was actually too late. As I assembled that puzzle... I was waiting for his call.
When I was in the hospital after giving birth to Ethan, a nurse who was studying to be a psychologist interviewed me and she said something that really stuck with me. She said... she got the feeling that I wasn't the type to fall in love. Part of me really wished that was true. More specifically, I wish I was the type that fell in love logically, that didn't fall in love foolishly.
I loved Tom to the core of my being. I think anyone who has ever read even one of my posts knows that. I loved him so blindly and completely. I really just *knew* he was my other half. I ignored every flaw and problem and physical deformity. When I decided to keep Ethan, Tom decided not to talk to me anymore. I suppose that is fair, I aborted his pregnancy but kept a strangers. (BTW THAT is why the nurse thought I wasn't the type to fall in love, because I never loved Ethan's father. I just couldn't face another abortion, it was the right choice the first time but twice... So I kept Ethan.)
By the time I met Eric I knew I was going to be moving back to Chicago. I was bored and lonely in Indianapolis. My only friend was Marcus, a married man from church. Eric was fun and into anime and video games too and silly. I needed silly. I wanted to be happy my last few months there before I had Ethan and had to leave.
But most important of all of Eric qualities was that he was available. Eric was a widower. He was a whore... but single. He had two children, a boy and a girl. I knew that no relationship with him could go anywhere because:
1: I was leaving
2: He was a whore and obviously not the faithful monogamous type
3: He had kids and I had one on the way
But I saw no harm in having some fun until it was time to go.
Where did I find myself? Sitting at the kitchen table, assembling a puzzle and waiting for my phone to ring.
WHY OH WHY didn't I just quit while I was behind? Because I was pregnant and bored and alone and he took that away, as temporary as it was. With him I was happy, I felt pretty, even sexy at times (Virtually impossible while pregnant I found). With him I wasn't just a woman abandoned by her local family while pregnant and all alone. I could go, and sit at his job and talk to him. He could come by my apartment and hang out. We could talk about anything, everything.
After I had Ethan... He came by a few times. He was so good with him. He would hold him and walk with him.
I knew there was nowhere for this to go. I knew it. I so knew it.
So now what? We haven't talked in almost 3 weeks. He doesn't call me. We didn't talk on my birthday. We didn't talk on Thanksgiving. And I am determined not to let myself get so week that I call him and try to talk to him. It's been over a LONG time but I just kept holding on because he made me so happy and I want that back. I want to be mindlessly, recklessly happy again. I want to be "damn the consequences" happy but that's how I got where I am NOW, isn't it? I damned the consequences and here I am, and here they are.
I also ignored the problems as I am so wont (I can't believe I just used the word "wont" I feel sooooooo smart. Not "want" or "won't" but "wont") to do:
*Eric was a whore, I couldn't trust him as far as I could fling him.
*I never met his family (Except his lesbian cousin).
*He didn't want me to know where he lived.
*He never did what he said he would.
*And in more ways than one he was like Anthony Edward Lewis... which I should have KNOWN was UNACCEPTABLE.
*And these are just the problems I can think of right now.
What did I think was going to happen? We'd combine families and I would be a mom of 3 and he would be the doting househusband that cooks and cleans and does the dishes while I bring home the bacon? Maybe...
What did I know was gonna happen? This wasn't gonna end well... and I went for it anyway.
Emotional. Masochist.
I wonder if he'll call me tonight...