(no subject)

[catwalk]

and now i feel headachy and vomity... again...

the tears are always right behind my eyes.
started to cry again last night thinking about
this silly santa hat i gave her this past weekend.
it has leopard trim and a tiara on the front...
only she didn't even make it to thanksgiving.

so when mom called today to wish me a good day,
she said all the things she was thankful for, and i
kind of parroted them back to her, but i felt like
both of us were just saying it to make the other
feel a little less like falling apart.

but now i feel like falling apart all over again.

my sister died. my little sister. she's gone and
i'll never see her again. it's like a hole
got punched through my heart, right next to the
one that hit me when my dad died.

i don't mind being alone right now. there will be
more than enough people around me soon enough, all
saying how sorry they are and how beautiful she was
and how much better she is and how lucky the rest of
us are to have each other. ok. got it. do i want a
hug? only kinda. really... only from her. just one more.