230 - Sericulture - One Night Only - Catw00man
One Night Only
Summary: What if things were different just for a night?
AUTHOR: Catw00man
RATING: R
CHARACTER: Royai
SERIES: N/A
PROMPT: tamingthemuse #230 (#207 for me) - Sericulture
WORD COUNT: 3092
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Something for fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roy picks up the bottle of whiskey and carefully refills his glass. The amber liquid slides over the ice cubes and he hears them clink and shift in the glass. He sets the bottle down on the small side table then reaches for the glass. His hand is still steady, but he knows before the night is over that won’t be the case. He swirls the melting ice around in the glass then brings it to his lips. He doesn’t usually drink like this, but today is like no other and as far as he’s concerned all the regular rules don’t apply. He really does hate this day the most.
He swallows down the alcohol and he feels the familiar burn of it slide down his throat and part of him wishes the burn was sharper, more painful. Physical pain is much more desirable than the constant low ache he feels deep inside. He wishes he could sear it out of himself, but there’s no way. He has to deal with this, but he doesn’t know how. To be honest, doesn’t think he ever will. Roy slouches down in the arm chair and sighs softly as he closes his eyes. “Damn you, Hughes. How could you get yourself killed.”
There’s a part of him that wants to blame him no matter how irrational it is. Hughes should have been able to take care of himself. He always did before. He knew what his limits were. Maes was no alchemist and he was always smart enough to make sure he didn’t put himself in a no win situation. He was the smartest person Roy ever knew. So how the hell did he end up dead in a phone booth? He had too much to live for. He never should have been so damn careless.
Roy lets out a long sigh and tightens his hand around the glass resting on his thigh. It’s been two long years since that day he got the call but somehow even now the wound is still fresh. The thought once he had his revenge the ache would lessen, but it was only a temporary balm to his heart. Hughes was still gone and no matter that he visited unimaginably pain on his killer, it didn’t bring him back. Nothing will and he knows that even though thoughts of human transmutation still spin around in his mind as a temptation he can give into. He might get drunk enough to even try to draw out some of the arrays to make it happen, but he’ll never use them. It’s just one more avenue of denial he’ll lose himself in for a little while no different than the whiskey. Hughes is gone and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that.
He lifts his hand to bring the glass to his lips again when he hears a soft knocking sound. He opens his eyes to the silence of his library and frowns. Was he hearing things? It wouldn’t be the first time. How many times has he imagined him showing up at his door with that insufferable smug look on his face ready to impart some knowledge to him on something Roy over looked. He always had his back in more ways than Roy ever really knew. He would show up, invite himself in and “entertain” Roy with the latest barrage of pictures and stories about his little girl before he ever got to the damn point. Roy runs his thumb up and down the cool glass and sighs again. What he’d give to hear one more story about his little Elysia.
The knock sounds again and that’s when he realizes it wasn’t his imagination after all. His eye turn toward the doorway to the hall and he considers ignoring it. He left strict instructions he wasn’t to be bothered tonight, but that’s all the more reason he should answer it. He grimaces and sets his glass aside. He uses the arms of the chair to push himself to his feet and he’s already a little unsteady. Hopefully whatever is at the door isn’t too vitally important because whoever they are they won’t be getting much help from him tonight. He reaches up to run a hand through his messy spikes then grabs his military coat from the back of the chair. His shirts untucked and unbuttoned but at least he can pretend to look like the Brigadier General he’s only recently become. He slides into the coat and shuffles to the front door as the soft knock comes again.
He reaches the door and takes a deep breath, attempting to pull himself together. He knows it’s a lost cause but pretenses are really all he has. He’s a master at playing the game and he somehow manages to button a few of the buttons on his shirt. He doesn’t bother with tucking it in because it is late after all. He can’t be expected to always be the perfectly put together General no matter how much he pretends to be. He opens the door and for a moment he just stares because the scene before him makes no sense at all. Why on earth would Hawkeye and Gracia be at his door at this hour?
Gracia is looking down and there’s no question she’s been crying tonight, but why wouldn’t she. He’s felt like crying himself, that’s why he turned to the alcohol. But why is she here? And why is Hawkeye here with her hair down and wearing civilian clothes. Did something happen? She has her hand on Gracia’s back like she’s trying to comfort her and before he can ask what’s going on she turns her head to look at him. He amber colored eyes are laces with sadness and he feels a tendril of fear wind it’s way around his heart. Has something else happened? Is Elysia alright?
“Can we come in, General?” Her voice snaps him out of his spiral of worry and he moves to the side then makes a sweeping motion with his hand to invite them inside. Hawkeye leads Gracia through the door and after looking around for a moment she guilds her into his library to sit on the couch. He follows after them, clueless about what’s going on but too afraid to ask as if his words could be the thing to make whatever tragedy has happened all become real. He can’t deal with anymore pain tonight, but there’s no way he could possibly turn her away. She was his entire world and he’ll do anything in his power to make sure she’s taken care of the best he can manage.
He watches them sit sown on the couch and he sees Hawkeye lean close to say something to her but he can’t make out the words. Gracia nods and Hawkeye runs her hand down her back again. Roy tries to be patient but the not knowing is eating at him and finally he can’t hold his tongue any longer. “Lieutenant? Has something happened?”
Hawkeye turns her gaze on him for a moment then looks back at Gracia and squeezes her hand. She waits another moment then she stands and turns to face him. “Could I have a word with you, General?”
Ha nods because he sees no other option and he follows her out of the library and into the entryway. Something is off about this whole situation and he can’t quite put his finger on it. Hawkeye stops by the front door and turns to face him, her eyes lowered, hands clasped in front of her and that’s when he sees it. It’s in her stance, in the the way she’s sticking to formality when she doesn’t need to and how she’s just the slightest bit unsteady. He doubts anyone else would ever see it, but he’s known her much to long to miss it. She’s been drinking and that’s something she rarely does alone. “Hawkeye, what’s going on?”
She raises her head and he swears relaxes the slightest bit when he drops all pretenses. She’s acting like she’s crossing all kinds of lines just by being here and he’s not sure why. It’s not like she’s ever been in his house before. All of his unit has on certain occasions, but she’s acting like she’s walking around on eggshells. He sees her squeeze her hands together and take a deep breath before she speaks. “I ran into Gracia downtown. We started talking….”
And drinking no doubt. He understands more than anyone why that might be the case tonight, but that doesn’t explain why they are here. He can tell Hawkeye’s uncomfortable and he can’t shake the feeling that something else is wrong. What aren’t they telling him? “Is it Elysia? Is she alright?”
Hawkeye’s looks at him in confusion but then her eyes widen in what must be understanding. She shakes her head quickly. “No, no, she’s fine. She’s with a sitter tonight.” Hawkeye sighs softly and looks down. “She doesn’t really understand what today is and Gracia didn’t want to have to explain. That’s why she said she needed to get out of the house.”
It makes sense. Elysia wouldn’t have any idea that today is the anniversary of her father’s death and there’s no reason to tell her. It’s bad enough she’s lost her daddy, there’s no reason she needs to watch the adults in her life fall apart around her. But that still doesn’t explain why Hawkeye and Gracia are here. “I can understand that, Lieutenant, but why did you bring her here?”
Hawkeye shifts on her feet and Roy can’t remember a time he’s ever seen her act this way. She’s always been completely forthright, always stating her mind without hesitation but right now she seems almost…shy? It makes no sense. What has her so damn hesitant? He lets out a sigh and he’s about to ask her again when she finally looks up to meet his eyes again. “You know what say it is.” Roy nods because how could he not? She knows he informed his whole command he wanted to be alone tonight so why is she even asking? Hawkeye takes another breath and wrings her hands together. “Gracia and I were talking and, well, it’s no secret that you have a certain way of making women ‘feel better.’”
Roy stare at her blankly for a moment because he honestly has no idea what she’s talking about. But then he notices how Hawkeye won’t completely meet his eyes and he see the barest him of a flush on her cheeks that isn’t from the alcohol. His eyes go wide when he realizes what she’s implying and he takes a step back, shaking his head. “What? No, you have to be kidding.” Hawkeye finally stares him in the eyes and he can see there’s no amusement on her face. He knows that look. She’s completely serious. “Riza, she’s his wife. I can’t, I can’t possibly. Why would you even think I could?”
“Roy, you don’t understand-.”
“You’re damn right I don’t understand.” Hawkeye takes a step toward him and he backs away as if her nearness could somehow make this happen. Why on earth would Hawkeye of all people try to put him in a position like this? It’s not like her at all, alcohol or not. There’s no way he could possibly even imagine being with Gracia like that. Hawkeye has to know that. There’s no way he could ever betray Hughes’ memory like that not matter what.
“She’s alone and hurting, Roy. You can help. I know you can.” Roy shakes his head and pulls back from her again. Right now he feels like bolting out the door and down to the closest bar he can find to drink until the alcohol takes away the memory of this night altogether, but Hawkeye but be reading his mind because she’s effectively blocking the front door. There’s deep sadness in her eyes but he doesn’t care. She’s asking the impossible. It wouldn’t be right. It just wouldn’t be right.
“I’m sorry, Hawkeye. You two can stay if you like, but I can’t be a part of this.” He tries to step around her to go to the door but he blocks his path again. He reaches out and pus his hands on her arms to move her out of the way. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Roy….”
The soft voice behind him causes him to freeze and he closes his eyes. She didn’t need to hear all this. She can’t possibly know why Riza brought her here. There’s no way she would want to be a part of this. He closes his eyes and winces as guilt flows through him as if even the discussion makes him culpable. He turns around slowly and swallows hard as he sees the deep seeded pain in her eyes. She doesn’t deserve this. None of them do but least of all her. “I’m sorry,” He whispers softly and droops his eyes unwilling to see the accusation that must be on her face.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He shakes his head because it’s not true. The fact that they are even here is wrong and he knows it. He hears her step closer but he won’t look, he just can’t. “I’m here because I want to be here, Roy. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
His head snaps up because she can’t know what she’s saying. He doesn’t know what Hawkeye has told her but she can’t be thinking clearly. Tonight of all nights is not the time for this and with one look at her he feels even more guilty than before. He was here drowning in his own misery and what right does he have? Hughes was a friend, and the loss of him still tears him up inside, but it can’t begin to hold a candle to what she must be feeling. He was her husband, the father of her child, and no matter the pain he’s feeling it has to be ten times worse for her. How can he be so pathetic? The thought of her hadn’t even crossed his mind as lost as he was to his own misery.
“He really loved you, Roy.” Roy swallows hard and he should make her stop. He doesn’t need her comfort. She should be taking care of Elysia not dealing with his pathetic self pitying ass. He shakes his head but then gasps when he feels her hand on his arm. “He was always so concerned about you finding happiness. I always told him not to push. But he just wanted you to be as happy as he was.” Roy nods slowly and hangs his head because he remembers it all. How many times did Maes ride him about settling down and finding a woman to make him happy? He always thought he was naive and too idealistic for his own good, but he’ll be damned if he wasn’t right. The proof of it is right in front of him. Hughes was always right in so many ways.
“I know,” he whispers softly and silently curses himself for the way his voice cracks. He should be the strong one, not her. Where ever Maes is he has to be shaking his head at how pitiful Roy is now. “You were both always so good to me.” And what has Roy done to repay that kindness? He’s not even sure when the last time was he came by to even say hi. Now he’s about to be transferred east and he won’t even have the chance anymore. He really is such an ass.
“I want to ask you a favor tonight and I know I don’t have the right.” Roy raises his eyes and look on her face breaks his heart all over again. She shouldn’t have to ask for anything, least of all tonight. He nods at her because he doesn’t trust himself to answer. She stares back at him and for an instant it feels like the entire world goes still. It’s so quiet he can hear the clock ticking down the eternity of the moment from the other room. His mouth goes dry the instant before she speaks and he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. “For a little while, just…a little while,” she pauses and Roy can’t even take a breath. “I need to forget.”
She can’t mean what she’s saying. Of all nights how could she possibly want to forget him now. He can’t forget. That’s why he was drinking himself unconscious before she arrived, going over each and every memory of all the years he knew him. He needed to remember. But one look at the deep sadness and desperation in her eyes and he suddenly understands. Roy would have drunk the night away remembering Maes, but come the next morning after a couple aspirin and a hot shower he would have forgotten again. He would have gotten on with his transfer and gone on with his life the same way he has for the past two years.
But she can’t do that.
She has to live with his loss each and every day of her life, every time she looks at Elysia. She has to live in their house and face all the shattered dreams of the life they were meant to have together. There is no escaping it for her, not when she has his beautiful little girl still asking some days if Daddy is ever coming home. He swallows hard because he gets it now. He understands what Hawkeye was trying to tell him. She wants a moment, just a moment where she’s not his widow. It tears him up in new and fresh ways but he understands it. He sucks in a breath and asks the one thing he has to know. “Why me?”
“You’re the only one I trust who really understands.” Roy nods and after sucking in another deep breath he reaches out to take her hand. Relief spreads across her face and for just an instant his heart lightens that he was the one who put it there. She’s not asking for him to replace Hughes. God knows no one alive could ever do that. But if this one night can bring her even a moment of solace he has no choice but to give it to her. He has to believe Hughes wouldn’t kill him for that.
TBC
Summary: What if things were different just for a night?
AUTHOR: Catw00man
RATING: R
CHARACTER: Royai
SERIES: N/A
PROMPT: tamingthemuse #230 (#207 for me) - Sericulture
WORD COUNT: 3092
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Something for fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roy picks up the bottle of whiskey and carefully refills his glass. The amber liquid slides over the ice cubes and he hears them clink and shift in the glass. He sets the bottle down on the small side table then reaches for the glass. His hand is still steady, but he knows before the night is over that won’t be the case. He swirls the melting ice around in the glass then brings it to his lips. He doesn’t usually drink like this, but today is like no other and as far as he’s concerned all the regular rules don’t apply. He really does hate this day the most.
He swallows down the alcohol and he feels the familiar burn of it slide down his throat and part of him wishes the burn was sharper, more painful. Physical pain is much more desirable than the constant low ache he feels deep inside. He wishes he could sear it out of himself, but there’s no way. He has to deal with this, but he doesn’t know how. To be honest, doesn’t think he ever will. Roy slouches down in the arm chair and sighs softly as he closes his eyes. “Damn you, Hughes. How could you get yourself killed.”
There’s a part of him that wants to blame him no matter how irrational it is. Hughes should have been able to take care of himself. He always did before. He knew what his limits were. Maes was no alchemist and he was always smart enough to make sure he didn’t put himself in a no win situation. He was the smartest person Roy ever knew. So how the hell did he end up dead in a phone booth? He had too much to live for. He never should have been so damn careless.
Roy lets out a long sigh and tightens his hand around the glass resting on his thigh. It’s been two long years since that day he got the call but somehow even now the wound is still fresh. The thought once he had his revenge the ache would lessen, but it was only a temporary balm to his heart. Hughes was still gone and no matter that he visited unimaginably pain on his killer, it didn’t bring him back. Nothing will and he knows that even though thoughts of human transmutation still spin around in his mind as a temptation he can give into. He might get drunk enough to even try to draw out some of the arrays to make it happen, but he’ll never use them. It’s just one more avenue of denial he’ll lose himself in for a little while no different than the whiskey. Hughes is gone and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that.
He lifts his hand to bring the glass to his lips again when he hears a soft knocking sound. He opens his eyes to the silence of his library and frowns. Was he hearing things? It wouldn’t be the first time. How many times has he imagined him showing up at his door with that insufferable smug look on his face ready to impart some knowledge to him on something Roy over looked. He always had his back in more ways than Roy ever really knew. He would show up, invite himself in and “entertain” Roy with the latest barrage of pictures and stories about his little girl before he ever got to the damn point. Roy runs his thumb up and down the cool glass and sighs again. What he’d give to hear one more story about his little Elysia.
The knock sounds again and that’s when he realizes it wasn’t his imagination after all. His eye turn toward the doorway to the hall and he considers ignoring it. He left strict instructions he wasn’t to be bothered tonight, but that’s all the more reason he should answer it. He grimaces and sets his glass aside. He uses the arms of the chair to push himself to his feet and he’s already a little unsteady. Hopefully whatever is at the door isn’t too vitally important because whoever they are they won’t be getting much help from him tonight. He reaches up to run a hand through his messy spikes then grabs his military coat from the back of the chair. His shirts untucked and unbuttoned but at least he can pretend to look like the Brigadier General he’s only recently become. He slides into the coat and shuffles to the front door as the soft knock comes again.
He reaches the door and takes a deep breath, attempting to pull himself together. He knows it’s a lost cause but pretenses are really all he has. He’s a master at playing the game and he somehow manages to button a few of the buttons on his shirt. He doesn’t bother with tucking it in because it is late after all. He can’t be expected to always be the perfectly put together General no matter how much he pretends to be. He opens the door and for a moment he just stares because the scene before him makes no sense at all. Why on earth would Hawkeye and Gracia be at his door at this hour?
Gracia is looking down and there’s no question she’s been crying tonight, but why wouldn’t she. He’s felt like crying himself, that’s why he turned to the alcohol. But why is she here? And why is Hawkeye here with her hair down and wearing civilian clothes. Did something happen? She has her hand on Gracia’s back like she’s trying to comfort her and before he can ask what’s going on she turns her head to look at him. He amber colored eyes are laces with sadness and he feels a tendril of fear wind it’s way around his heart. Has something else happened? Is Elysia alright?
“Can we come in, General?” Her voice snaps him out of his spiral of worry and he moves to the side then makes a sweeping motion with his hand to invite them inside. Hawkeye leads Gracia through the door and after looking around for a moment she guilds her into his library to sit on the couch. He follows after them, clueless about what’s going on but too afraid to ask as if his words could be the thing to make whatever tragedy has happened all become real. He can’t deal with anymore pain tonight, but there’s no way he could possibly turn her away. She was his entire world and he’ll do anything in his power to make sure she’s taken care of the best he can manage.
He watches them sit sown on the couch and he sees Hawkeye lean close to say something to her but he can’t make out the words. Gracia nods and Hawkeye runs her hand down her back again. Roy tries to be patient but the not knowing is eating at him and finally he can’t hold his tongue any longer. “Lieutenant? Has something happened?”
Hawkeye turns her gaze on him for a moment then looks back at Gracia and squeezes her hand. She waits another moment then she stands and turns to face him. “Could I have a word with you, General?”
Ha nods because he sees no other option and he follows her out of the library and into the entryway. Something is off about this whole situation and he can’t quite put his finger on it. Hawkeye stops by the front door and turns to face him, her eyes lowered, hands clasped in front of her and that’s when he sees it. It’s in her stance, in the the way she’s sticking to formality when she doesn’t need to and how she’s just the slightest bit unsteady. He doubts anyone else would ever see it, but he’s known her much to long to miss it. She’s been drinking and that’s something she rarely does alone. “Hawkeye, what’s going on?”
She raises her head and he swears relaxes the slightest bit when he drops all pretenses. She’s acting like she’s crossing all kinds of lines just by being here and he’s not sure why. It’s not like she’s ever been in his house before. All of his unit has on certain occasions, but she’s acting like she’s walking around on eggshells. He sees her squeeze her hands together and take a deep breath before she speaks. “I ran into Gracia downtown. We started talking….”
And drinking no doubt. He understands more than anyone why that might be the case tonight, but that doesn’t explain why they are here. He can tell Hawkeye’s uncomfortable and he can’t shake the feeling that something else is wrong. What aren’t they telling him? “Is it Elysia? Is she alright?”
Hawkeye’s looks at him in confusion but then her eyes widen in what must be understanding. She shakes her head quickly. “No, no, she’s fine. She’s with a sitter tonight.” Hawkeye sighs softly and looks down. “She doesn’t really understand what today is and Gracia didn’t want to have to explain. That’s why she said she needed to get out of the house.”
It makes sense. Elysia wouldn’t have any idea that today is the anniversary of her father’s death and there’s no reason to tell her. It’s bad enough she’s lost her daddy, there’s no reason she needs to watch the adults in her life fall apart around her. But that still doesn’t explain why Hawkeye and Gracia are here. “I can understand that, Lieutenant, but why did you bring her here?”
Hawkeye shifts on her feet and Roy can’t remember a time he’s ever seen her act this way. She’s always been completely forthright, always stating her mind without hesitation but right now she seems almost…shy? It makes no sense. What has her so damn hesitant? He lets out a sigh and he’s about to ask her again when she finally looks up to meet his eyes again. “You know what say it is.” Roy nods because how could he not? She knows he informed his whole command he wanted to be alone tonight so why is she even asking? Hawkeye takes another breath and wrings her hands together. “Gracia and I were talking and, well, it’s no secret that you have a certain way of making women ‘feel better.’”
Roy stare at her blankly for a moment because he honestly has no idea what she’s talking about. But then he notices how Hawkeye won’t completely meet his eyes and he see the barest him of a flush on her cheeks that isn’t from the alcohol. His eyes go wide when he realizes what she’s implying and he takes a step back, shaking his head. “What? No, you have to be kidding.” Hawkeye finally stares him in the eyes and he can see there’s no amusement on her face. He knows that look. She’s completely serious. “Riza, she’s his wife. I can’t, I can’t possibly. Why would you even think I could?”
“Roy, you don’t understand-.”
“You’re damn right I don’t understand.” Hawkeye takes a step toward him and he backs away as if her nearness could somehow make this happen. Why on earth would Hawkeye of all people try to put him in a position like this? It’s not like her at all, alcohol or not. There’s no way he could possibly even imagine being with Gracia like that. Hawkeye has to know that. There’s no way he could ever betray Hughes’ memory like that not matter what.
“She’s alone and hurting, Roy. You can help. I know you can.” Roy shakes his head and pulls back from her again. Right now he feels like bolting out the door and down to the closest bar he can find to drink until the alcohol takes away the memory of this night altogether, but Hawkeye but be reading his mind because she’s effectively blocking the front door. There’s deep sadness in her eyes but he doesn’t care. She’s asking the impossible. It wouldn’t be right. It just wouldn’t be right.
“I’m sorry, Hawkeye. You two can stay if you like, but I can’t be a part of this.” He tries to step around her to go to the door but he blocks his path again. He reaches out and pus his hands on her arms to move her out of the way. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Roy….”
The soft voice behind him causes him to freeze and he closes his eyes. She didn’t need to hear all this. She can’t possibly know why Riza brought her here. There’s no way she would want to be a part of this. He closes his eyes and winces as guilt flows through him as if even the discussion makes him culpable. He turns around slowly and swallows hard as he sees the deep seeded pain in her eyes. She doesn’t deserve this. None of them do but least of all her. “I’m sorry,” He whispers softly and droops his eyes unwilling to see the accusation that must be on her face.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He shakes his head because it’s not true. The fact that they are even here is wrong and he knows it. He hears her step closer but he won’t look, he just can’t. “I’m here because I want to be here, Roy. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
His head snaps up because she can’t know what she’s saying. He doesn’t know what Hawkeye has told her but she can’t be thinking clearly. Tonight of all nights is not the time for this and with one look at her he feels even more guilty than before. He was here drowning in his own misery and what right does he have? Hughes was a friend, and the loss of him still tears him up inside, but it can’t begin to hold a candle to what she must be feeling. He was her husband, the father of her child, and no matter the pain he’s feeling it has to be ten times worse for her. How can he be so pathetic? The thought of her hadn’t even crossed his mind as lost as he was to his own misery.
“He really loved you, Roy.” Roy swallows hard and he should make her stop. He doesn’t need her comfort. She should be taking care of Elysia not dealing with his pathetic self pitying ass. He shakes his head but then gasps when he feels her hand on his arm. “He was always so concerned about you finding happiness. I always told him not to push. But he just wanted you to be as happy as he was.” Roy nods slowly and hangs his head because he remembers it all. How many times did Maes ride him about settling down and finding a woman to make him happy? He always thought he was naive and too idealistic for his own good, but he’ll be damned if he wasn’t right. The proof of it is right in front of him. Hughes was always right in so many ways.
“I know,” he whispers softly and silently curses himself for the way his voice cracks. He should be the strong one, not her. Where ever Maes is he has to be shaking his head at how pitiful Roy is now. “You were both always so good to me.” And what has Roy done to repay that kindness? He’s not even sure when the last time was he came by to even say hi. Now he’s about to be transferred east and he won’t even have the chance anymore. He really is such an ass.
“I want to ask you a favor tonight and I know I don’t have the right.” Roy raises his eyes and look on her face breaks his heart all over again. She shouldn’t have to ask for anything, least of all tonight. He nods at her because he doesn’t trust himself to answer. She stares back at him and for an instant it feels like the entire world goes still. It’s so quiet he can hear the clock ticking down the eternity of the moment from the other room. His mouth goes dry the instant before she speaks and he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. “For a little while, just…a little while,” she pauses and Roy can’t even take a breath. “I need to forget.”
She can’t mean what she’s saying. Of all nights how could she possibly want to forget him now. He can’t forget. That’s why he was drinking himself unconscious before she arrived, going over each and every memory of all the years he knew him. He needed to remember. But one look at the deep sadness and desperation in her eyes and he suddenly understands. Roy would have drunk the night away remembering Maes, but come the next morning after a couple aspirin and a hot shower he would have forgotten again. He would have gotten on with his transfer and gone on with his life the same way he has for the past two years.
But she can’t do that.
She has to live with his loss each and every day of her life, every time she looks at Elysia. She has to live in their house and face all the shattered dreams of the life they were meant to have together. There is no escaping it for her, not when she has his beautiful little girl still asking some days if Daddy is ever coming home. He swallows hard because he gets it now. He understands what Hawkeye was trying to tell him. She wants a moment, just a moment where she’s not his widow. It tears him up in new and fresh ways but he understands it. He sucks in a breath and asks the one thing he has to know. “Why me?”
“You’re the only one I trust who really understands.” Roy nods and after sucking in another deep breath he reaches out to take her hand. Relief spreads across her face and for just an instant his heart lightens that he was the one who put it there. She’s not asking for him to replace Hughes. God knows no one alive could ever do that. But if this one night can bring her even a moment of solace he has no choice but to give it to her. He has to believe Hughes wouldn’t kill him for that.
TBC