Fic: Baby Papa Drama
Title: Baby Papa Drama
Fandom: Avengers
Rating: PG
Pairing: Loki/Tony; Loki/Steve; Loki/alt!Natasha; Loki/Clint; Loki/Bruce
Warnings: such ridiculous crack, silliness, lady Loki really gets around, shortness
Notes: Written for this prompt at avengerkink.
Summary: Five avengers who weren’t the father, and one who was.
“I’ve had sex with Anthony Stark several times in the months leading up to my pregnancy,” Loki’s voice over says. “The infant has inherited his recklessness and overly irritating nature. I am positive this child is his.”
“I’ve slept with a lot of sluts in my time,” Tony’s says, “but I can assure you, I’ve never gotten any one of them pregnant. This is wishful thinking on Loki’s part.”
“Stark Industries makes amazing contraceptives for its employees,” Pepper tells the team during the commercial break. “They’re foolproof; Tony’s never lost a paternity suit.”
The baby is at the age where it doesn’t look much like anyone, so not even Tony’s amazing screen in Avengers’ Tower can give them any hints.
“Any bets?” Clint says, when the show comes back. “My money’s on Stark.”
“I do not doubt Loki,” Thor says.
Pepper has the grace not to laugh out loud.
“Tony Stark, you are...”
There’s a pause where the team holds their breath.
“…NOT THE FATHER.”
The crowd goes wild. Loki breaks the arm of his chair and Tony does a terrible victory dance.
Thor sighs. “I must inform my mother.”
“If it is mine, I promise to take full responsibility,” Steve says earnestly. “I’ve always wanted a kid.”
When the results come in and it turns out Steve isn’t the father, he looks incredibly disappointed.
“No.” That’s the entirety of Natasha’s voice over.
At the tower, everyone but Thor looks incredibly confused.
“They were quite close in an alternate universe,” Thor says, just as the Loki on the television says “I slept with an alternate version of Natasha. The male version of her was quite potent. I do not doubt that she is the parent of this child.”
Natasha just shakes her head.
“Well, Natasha and Loki, the results are in. Natasha…you are not the father!”
Loki swears.
The less said about Clint’s test and subsequent gloating, the better.
The “Who’s The Baby Daddy?” game has become a popular one for the Avengers and most of SHIELD. Steve doesn’t approve, but everyone else participates when he’s off babysitting the kid in question.
“My money’s on Fury,” Tony says while they wait for the show to start.
“Director Fury is not involved in this,” says Thor. He’s practically an authority on the people caught up in this scandal. For someone not in the running to be the father, he knows an awful lot about Loki’s sex life; then again, they’ve been awfully close since the whole “trying to take over the world” thing was settled.
“Then maybe Pepper.”
In between appearances on Maury, they’ve also tested a bear, a stallion, several whales, and a peacock. A woman being father of Loki’s baby looks reasonable in comparison.
“The lady Pepper was also not involved.”
It’s Bruce’s night, and they’re all settled in with several bowls of popcorn and a lot of booze. Steve and Thor look hilariously hopeful.
“Are you going to shoot down all of my-”
“Shh!”
Rebuilding several studios and a soundstage? Several million dollars.
Legal fees brought on by Hulk’s rampage? Several million dollars.
Bruce Banner’s face when he finds out he’s the father?
Priceless.
Fandom: Avengers
Rating: PG
Pairing: Loki/Tony; Loki/Steve; Loki/alt!Natasha; Loki/Clint; Loki/Bruce
Warnings: such ridiculous crack, silliness, lady Loki really gets around, shortness
Notes: Written for this prompt at avengerkink.
Summary: Five avengers who weren’t the father, and one who was.
“I’ve had sex with Anthony Stark several times in the months leading up to my pregnancy,” Loki’s voice over says. “The infant has inherited his recklessness and overly irritating nature. I am positive this child is his.”
“I’ve slept with a lot of sluts in my time,” Tony’s says, “but I can assure you, I’ve never gotten any one of them pregnant. This is wishful thinking on Loki’s part.”
“Stark Industries makes amazing contraceptives for its employees,” Pepper tells the team during the commercial break. “They’re foolproof; Tony’s never lost a paternity suit.”
The baby is at the age where it doesn’t look much like anyone, so not even Tony’s amazing screen in Avengers’ Tower can give them any hints.
“Any bets?” Clint says, when the show comes back. “My money’s on Stark.”
“I do not doubt Loki,” Thor says.
Pepper has the grace not to laugh out loud.
“Tony Stark, you are...”
There’s a pause where the team holds their breath.
“…NOT THE FATHER.”
The crowd goes wild. Loki breaks the arm of his chair and Tony does a terrible victory dance.
Thor sighs. “I must inform my mother.”
“If it is mine, I promise to take full responsibility,” Steve says earnestly. “I’ve always wanted a kid.”
When the results come in and it turns out Steve isn’t the father, he looks incredibly disappointed.
“No.” That’s the entirety of Natasha’s voice over.
At the tower, everyone but Thor looks incredibly confused.
“They were quite close in an alternate universe,” Thor says, just as the Loki on the television says “I slept with an alternate version of Natasha. The male version of her was quite potent. I do not doubt that she is the parent of this child.”
Natasha just shakes her head.
“Well, Natasha and Loki, the results are in. Natasha…you are not the father!”
Loki swears.
The less said about Clint’s test and subsequent gloating, the better.
The “Who’s The Baby Daddy?” game has become a popular one for the Avengers and most of SHIELD. Steve doesn’t approve, but everyone else participates when he’s off babysitting the kid in question.
“My money’s on Fury,” Tony says while they wait for the show to start.
“Director Fury is not involved in this,” says Thor. He’s practically an authority on the people caught up in this scandal. For someone not in the running to be the father, he knows an awful lot about Loki’s sex life; then again, they’ve been awfully close since the whole “trying to take over the world” thing was settled.
“Then maybe Pepper.”
In between appearances on Maury, they’ve also tested a bear, a stallion, several whales, and a peacock. A woman being father of Loki’s baby looks reasonable in comparison.
“The lady Pepper was also not involved.”
It’s Bruce’s night, and they’re all settled in with several bowls of popcorn and a lot of booze. Steve and Thor look hilariously hopeful.
“Are you going to shoot down all of my-”
“Shh!”
Rebuilding several studios and a soundstage? Several million dollars.
Legal fees brought on by Hulk’s rampage? Several million dollars.
Bruce Banner’s face when he finds out he’s the father?
Priceless.