Rickman Squirrel Debacle Wreaks Havoc at Berlinale Film Festival
The following story has been grossly exaggerated for purposes of comedy.
Prologue:
For those who may not be aware, a few days ago still photographs from Snow Cake were posted on the Berlinale Film Festival website. The usual uncontrollable squeeing and jubilation ensued among Rickman fans everywhere. Then, perplexingly, I discovered this morning that the photographs had been removed from the stills listing area on the Berlinale site.
Act 1:
The scene is a cramped, darkened room. Three men sit hunched over a glowing computer screen, enshrouded in a thick haze of cigarette smoke. The only sound is that of a mouse clicking. Page after page of images flicker rapidly into view on the computer screen.
“Stop! There,” shouts one of the men. “See? It’s a SQUIRREL. There was no squirrel in that scene, was there? There’s no way Rickman would play opposite a squirrel, or even co-star with one.”
They all stare silently at the screen.
“Yeah. It’s a squirrel, all right. Get him in here and see what he wants to do.”
One of the men grumpily rolls his chair back, lurches to the door, and exits, slamming it behind him. The others sit silently, occasionally dragging on their cigarettes and blowing smoke rings. In a few minutes, the man returns, and Alan Rickman enters the room behind him.
“Make this fast. I’ve got better things to do,” Rickman mutters.
The men point to the screen. Rickman’s face visibly darkens.
“See, it’s a squirrel, Mr. Rickman. This woman, CatsPlay, she put a f*cking squirrel in the truck with you. What do you want us to do?”
Rickman glares at the screen for what seems to be an eternity. He pushes one of the men away and moves closer to the screen, tilting his head sideways, grimly raising one eyebrow. Then he backs away from the screen, waving his hand.
“DEAL with her,” he says. And then, he’s gone.
(Fade to black as the three men stare at the screen.)
Act 2:
In three locations across the US, completely unaware of the others’ actions, Moro, Dee, and Claudia sit down at their computers. Each begins reading their emails. Moro raises an uncannily Rickmanesque eyebrow as she scans her inbox, and is about to look away when she glimpses one particular message, entitled, “OMG OMG OMG WTF!??!!!!??!”, and flagged with high priority. She opens the email and begins reading. Hundreds of miles away, in Indiana and Georgia, Dee and Claudia are doing the same.
(Pan to a TV split screen showing 3 women looking warily at their computer screens. (One of them with scissors on her left foot)).
(Pan to a computer screen, viewing an open email)
“OK guys, please, help!! I was on the Berlinale Film Festival site this morning and they have REMOVED - COMPLETELY TAKEN AWAY the Snow Cake film stills. OMG there can be NO other reason that they did this other than the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that they found my SQUIRREL manipulation of the AR car scene! Oh Dear God, what am I going to do?!! What if AR finds out I manipped a squirrel into the car and now the movie won’t be released because they think the public will be tainted, and will laugh at what is supposed to be a serious scene? What if the Berlinale people send someone to my house to check my hard drive? OMG - do you guys have a copy of that erase program that removes everything? SHIT?!! WTF am I going to do! OK, OK, I’m gonna go replace the pic with the waterskiiing squirrel one for the time being. Thank God I already had it made and available. Maybe when they come back to check they’ll just think they imagined it.
Ps. Are you guys going to vouch for me and swear that there was NO SUCH SQUIRREL/SNOW CAKE/ALAN pic? You are, right? RIGHT??!??”
CatsPlay
(Pan to a TV split screen showing the three women reacting - all in bewilderment. Dee shakes her head. Moro blinks and Claudia just stares).
Moro says to no one in particular, “Oh my God. She really is mentally unstable. I knew it. I can’t believe she actually thinks that the Berlinale Film Festival is monitoring her site, and has ripped down the stills because of her SQUIRREL photo. Does she really think that the organizers of one of the world’s major film festivals are sitting around checking her site in their spare time? Dear God.” No one answered Moro, of course, because there wasn't anyone there. But that didn't stop her.
(Pan to split screen again. All three women begin typing. Zoom to Moro’s computer screen: Catsplay, honey, listen...)
(Fade to black)
Act 3
CatsPlay is sitting in front of a computer monitor. Her browser is open to the photo stills page on the Berlinale site and she is hitting reload. Repeatedly. Unendingly. She is mutters to herself, “Where ARE they? Come on, maybe the page is just cached and they’re really there. ”
She begins frantically clicking all over different areas of the Berlinale site, hoping that she will stumble across the pictures, that their location has just been moved without her realizing it. As she clicks past the press releases page, she gasps, and clicks back. Her eyes widen and her bottom lip starts quivering. She reads:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:
I.M.Importante, Director of Media Relations
Berlinale International Film Festival
Discovery of Squirrel and Rickman Photo Results in Revocation of Film Still Access
BERLIN, GERMANY - January 20, 2006 - The cyber patrol unit of the Berlinale Film Festival has recently become aware of the usage and manipulation of still photographs from the upcoming movie Snow Cake, starring Alan Rickman. Specifically, Rickman has been falsely depicted in a moving vehicle, transporting a squirrel as a passenger. Such a portrayal wrongfully misleads potential viewers about the nature (no pun intended) of this film. Rumors have also surfaced that additional photographic misrepresentations showing Rickman in various situations with lemurs, penguins, and sugar gliders may be circulating on the internet.
As a result, the Berlinale has chosen to remove all Snow Cake film stills from the site, to prevent the spread of any other grossly inaccurate representations of Mr. Rickman involving rodents and other such beasts. In addition, MI5 has dispatched a team of agents to an undisclosed location in an attempt to retrieve and destroy the aforementioned photograph containing said squirrel and Alan Rickman.
For information:
im-importante@berlinale_cyberpatrol_for_alan_rickmans_defense.com
# # #
Act 4
(Pan to CatsPlay’s desk. Papers are strewn everywhere and the scene is in shambles. The space where her computer used to be is empty, and an Ethernet cable hangs precariously from the table, one end ripped completely from the wall. Camera pulls back and CatsPlay’s chair is knocked over, one wheel still spinning.)
(Cut to Moro’s desk. The Berlinale Squirrel Discovery press release is on her computer screen. Camera pulls back and we see Moro laying on the ground next to her desk chair, eyes closed. Her husband is hunched over her, slapping her cheeks, saying, “Moro! Moro, honey, are you OK?”.)
Fade to black.
THE END
Epilogue
How much fact lies in this ridiculous piece of fiction? A bit, actually.
Suffering from constant paranoia, I jumped to the immediate and undeniable assumption that my recent squirrel manipulation of a Snow Cake still photo was the cause of the disappearance of the photos. Yes, I actually believed (well, still kinda do) that the officials at the Berlinale are spending their time on squirrel patrol. In a bit of a panic, I hysterically emailed some of my fellow hens for help. I could tell, however, by the tone of their responses that I had actually frightened them with the ridiculousness of my paranoia. They responded with emails that spoke to me very slowly, in calm tones, like they were speaking to a wild rabbit who was about to bolt away uncontrollably at any second. We all laughed it off, but I could tell Moro probably twitched just a bit as she considered the situation. One more notch in the ‘she really IS crazy’ scorecard.
Anyway, what better opportunity than to poke fun at myself?
That’s the real story.
Special thanks to ms_moro for editing this story.
Disclaimer: Most aspects of this story that relate to the Berlinale Film Festival are complete fiction.
Prologue:
For those who may not be aware, a few days ago still photographs from Snow Cake were posted on the Berlinale Film Festival website. The usual uncontrollable squeeing and jubilation ensued among Rickman fans everywhere. Then, perplexingly, I discovered this morning that the photographs had been removed from the stills listing area on the Berlinale site.
Act 1:
The scene is a cramped, darkened room. Three men sit hunched over a glowing computer screen, enshrouded in a thick haze of cigarette smoke. The only sound is that of a mouse clicking. Page after page of images flicker rapidly into view on the computer screen.
“Stop! There,” shouts one of the men. “See? It’s a SQUIRREL. There was no squirrel in that scene, was there? There’s no way Rickman would play opposite a squirrel, or even co-star with one.”
They all stare silently at the screen.
“Yeah. It’s a squirrel, all right. Get him in here and see what he wants to do.”
One of the men grumpily rolls his chair back, lurches to the door, and exits, slamming it behind him. The others sit silently, occasionally dragging on their cigarettes and blowing smoke rings. In a few minutes, the man returns, and Alan Rickman enters the room behind him.
“Make this fast. I’ve got better things to do,” Rickman mutters.
The men point to the screen. Rickman’s face visibly darkens.
“See, it’s a squirrel, Mr. Rickman. This woman, CatsPlay, she put a f*cking squirrel in the truck with you. What do you want us to do?”
Rickman glares at the screen for what seems to be an eternity. He pushes one of the men away and moves closer to the screen, tilting his head sideways, grimly raising one eyebrow. Then he backs away from the screen, waving his hand.
“DEAL with her,” he says. And then, he’s gone.
(Fade to black as the three men stare at the screen.)
Act 2:
In three locations across the US, completely unaware of the others’ actions, Moro, Dee, and Claudia sit down at their computers. Each begins reading their emails. Moro raises an uncannily Rickmanesque eyebrow as she scans her inbox, and is about to look away when she glimpses one particular message, entitled, “OMG OMG OMG WTF!??!!!!??!”, and flagged with high priority. She opens the email and begins reading. Hundreds of miles away, in Indiana and Georgia, Dee and Claudia are doing the same.
(Pan to a TV split screen showing 3 women looking warily at their computer screens. (One of them with scissors on her left foot)).
(Pan to a computer screen, viewing an open email)
“OK guys, please, help!! I was on the Berlinale Film Festival site this morning and they have REMOVED - COMPLETELY TAKEN AWAY the Snow Cake film stills. OMG there can be NO other reason that they did this other than the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that they found my SQUIRREL manipulation of the AR car scene! Oh Dear God, what am I going to do?!! What if AR finds out I manipped a squirrel into the car and now the movie won’t be released because they think the public will be tainted, and will laugh at what is supposed to be a serious scene? What if the Berlinale people send someone to my house to check my hard drive? OMG - do you guys have a copy of that erase program that removes everything? SHIT?!! WTF am I going to do! OK, OK, I’m gonna go replace the pic with the waterskiiing squirrel one for the time being. Thank God I already had it made and available. Maybe when they come back to check they’ll just think they imagined it.
Ps. Are you guys going to vouch for me and swear that there was NO SUCH SQUIRREL/SNOW CAKE/ALAN pic? You are, right? RIGHT??!??”
CatsPlay
(Pan to a TV split screen showing the three women reacting - all in bewilderment. Dee shakes her head. Moro blinks and Claudia just stares).
Moro says to no one in particular, “Oh my God. She really is mentally unstable. I knew it. I can’t believe she actually thinks that the Berlinale Film Festival is monitoring her site, and has ripped down the stills because of her SQUIRREL photo. Does she really think that the organizers of one of the world’s major film festivals are sitting around checking her site in their spare time? Dear God.” No one answered Moro, of course, because there wasn't anyone there. But that didn't stop her.
(Pan to split screen again. All three women begin typing. Zoom to Moro’s computer screen: Catsplay, honey, listen...)
(Fade to black)
Act 3
CatsPlay is sitting in front of a computer monitor. Her browser is open to the photo stills page on the Berlinale site and she is hitting reload. Repeatedly. Unendingly. She is mutters to herself, “Where ARE they? Come on, maybe the page is just cached and they’re really there. ”
She begins frantically clicking all over different areas of the Berlinale site, hoping that she will stumble across the pictures, that their location has just been moved without her realizing it. As she clicks past the press releases page, she gasps, and clicks back. Her eyes widen and her bottom lip starts quivering. She reads:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:
I.M.Importante, Director of Media Relations
Berlinale International Film Festival
Discovery of Squirrel and Rickman Photo Results in Revocation of Film Still Access
BERLIN, GERMANY - January 20, 2006 - The cyber patrol unit of the Berlinale Film Festival has recently become aware of the usage and manipulation of still photographs from the upcoming movie Snow Cake, starring Alan Rickman. Specifically, Rickman has been falsely depicted in a moving vehicle, transporting a squirrel as a passenger. Such a portrayal wrongfully misleads potential viewers about the nature (no pun intended) of this film. Rumors have also surfaced that additional photographic misrepresentations showing Rickman in various situations with lemurs, penguins, and sugar gliders may be circulating on the internet.
As a result, the Berlinale has chosen to remove all Snow Cake film stills from the site, to prevent the spread of any other grossly inaccurate representations of Mr. Rickman involving rodents and other such beasts. In addition, MI5 has dispatched a team of agents to an undisclosed location in an attempt to retrieve and destroy the aforementioned photograph containing said squirrel and Alan Rickman.
For information:
im-importante@berlinale_cyberpatrol_for_alan_rickmans_defense.com
# # #
Act 4
(Pan to CatsPlay’s desk. Papers are strewn everywhere and the scene is in shambles. The space where her computer used to be is empty, and an Ethernet cable hangs precariously from the table, one end ripped completely from the wall. Camera pulls back and CatsPlay’s chair is knocked over, one wheel still spinning.)
(Cut to Moro’s desk. The Berlinale Squirrel Discovery press release is on her computer screen. Camera pulls back and we see Moro laying on the ground next to her desk chair, eyes closed. Her husband is hunched over her, slapping her cheeks, saying, “Moro! Moro, honey, are you OK?”.)
Fade to black.
THE END
Epilogue
How much fact lies in this ridiculous piece of fiction? A bit, actually.
Suffering from constant paranoia, I jumped to the immediate and undeniable assumption that my recent squirrel manipulation of a Snow Cake still photo was the cause of the disappearance of the photos. Yes, I actually believed (well, still kinda do) that the officials at the Berlinale are spending their time on squirrel patrol. In a bit of a panic, I hysterically emailed some of my fellow hens for help. I could tell, however, by the tone of their responses that I had actually frightened them with the ridiculousness of my paranoia. They responded with emails that spoke to me very slowly, in calm tones, like they were speaking to a wild rabbit who was about to bolt away uncontrollably at any second. We all laughed it off, but I could tell Moro probably twitched just a bit as she considered the situation. One more notch in the ‘she really IS crazy’ scorecard.
Anyway, what better opportunity than to poke fun at myself?
That’s the real story.
Special thanks to ms_moro for editing this story.
Disclaimer: Most aspects of this story that relate to the Berlinale Film Festival are complete fiction.