(no subject)
I woke up at around 8 this morning and couldnt get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. after a time i heard my dad yelling downstairs, which he feels compelled to do at least once a day. it went on for some minutes, and i never did get back to sleep. i was a bit perplexed, but i assumed he must have gotten in last night sometime when i was upstairs. later, after i'd gotten up i asked my mother if hed gone back up to the mountains, because i didnt see the vermin which is a sure sign that he isnt around.
it turns out that he was never here. but that doesnt change the fact that i heard the sound of him arguing loudly.
I did hear it, as clearly as i hear the television downstairs, but evem i accept that what i heard did not actually happen.
what is going on here? i... had just woken up. but i was awake and it wasnt a dream. i remember it annoyed me.
I can't swear that it was real. only that i was awake, fully conscious, and heard it clearly. I have bigger problems so i can't afford to worry about this. but it is very disconcerting and its hard to tell whether its a good thing or a bad thing. probably bad. in any case, its just as well i dont have anybody close at the moment. i think it will shortly become very unsafe. I do not know, however, if there is any connection between this and that. i have a suspicious mine, so i have my suspicions. but i do not know and moira's put me through alot recently. when you get down to it, my mind has been under constant stress for four to five weeks, better at times and much much worse at others. and things were pretty bad even before that. i can't DO anything to lessen it so perhaps its found an outlet and has been more or less quietly driving me mad. i dont FEEL mad. a bit angry, and justly so at the way ive been treated, but not MAD.
but then, if i was going insane, would i know? what criteria would i judge myself by? I dont know. I dont think theres anyone who can tell me. but i do know that it wasn't in my head. i can go downstairs and stand in the area it was coming from. I have, on rare occasions, heard spoken words in my head (no, they didnt tell me to do anything). this was not like that.
but i think about this, and i think about some of the things ive read in various places, and i cant help but think about all the books i've read (about a half dozen or so are currently in my possession) which claim that reading them (and in some cases, merely possessing them) can (will, some say) drive the person who does so mad. and once again this does not mean angry. of course, there is no reason to suspect that any of them are legitimate (that is, that the claims they make about themselves are anything but the work of an 'armchair occultist' at best and a greedy sensationalist at worst) Nevertheless, while i have read, or at least skimmed them all and found nothing within particularly maddening or even bad generally, they all bear some warning or other. even levi's dogma and ritual carries a warning of sorts, though i should hardly think it applies to such as myself.
In any case, I'm worried. and if I didnt have something far more important to already be worried about, id be worried about this.
it turns out that he was never here. but that doesnt change the fact that i heard the sound of him arguing loudly.
I did hear it, as clearly as i hear the television downstairs, but evem i accept that what i heard did not actually happen.
what is going on here? i... had just woken up. but i was awake and it wasnt a dream. i remember it annoyed me.
I can't swear that it was real. only that i was awake, fully conscious, and heard it clearly. I have bigger problems so i can't afford to worry about this. but it is very disconcerting and its hard to tell whether its a good thing or a bad thing. probably bad. in any case, its just as well i dont have anybody close at the moment. i think it will shortly become very unsafe. I do not know, however, if there is any connection between this and that. i have a suspicious mine, so i have my suspicions. but i do not know and moira's put me through alot recently. when you get down to it, my mind has been under constant stress for four to five weeks, better at times and much much worse at others. and things were pretty bad even before that. i can't DO anything to lessen it so perhaps its found an outlet and has been more or less quietly driving me mad. i dont FEEL mad. a bit angry, and justly so at the way ive been treated, but not MAD.
but then, if i was going insane, would i know? what criteria would i judge myself by? I dont know. I dont think theres anyone who can tell me. but i do know that it wasn't in my head. i can go downstairs and stand in the area it was coming from. I have, on rare occasions, heard spoken words in my head (no, they didnt tell me to do anything). this was not like that.
but i think about this, and i think about some of the things ive read in various places, and i cant help but think about all the books i've read (about a half dozen or so are currently in my possession) which claim that reading them (and in some cases, merely possessing them) can (will, some say) drive the person who does so mad. and once again this does not mean angry. of course, there is no reason to suspect that any of them are legitimate (that is, that the claims they make about themselves are anything but the work of an 'armchair occultist' at best and a greedy sensationalist at worst) Nevertheless, while i have read, or at least skimmed them all and found nothing within particularly maddening or even bad generally, they all bear some warning or other. even levi's dogma and ritual carries a warning of sorts, though i should hardly think it applies to such as myself.
In any case, I'm worried. and if I didnt have something far more important to already be worried about, id be worried about this.