The Captain's Revenge - Or The Wacky Ball Incident, Part Two
An even more shameless sequel to The Wacky Ball Incident.
GENRE - Part British seaside postcard, part Carry-On Film, all crackfic
SPOILERS? The Christmas Invasion, I suppose.
WARNINGS - Ooh, this is rude.
PICTURE by
paintedxlie
CHARACTERS - Ten/Rose, Jack, Jackie Tyler
And so it came to pass that Jack Harkness got his revenge for the business on the Game Station, and nobody was ever allowed to mention Wacky Balls aboard the TARDIS again without the Doctor having an Emo Moment to equal anything in Series Three.
Jackie Tyler lingered anxiously in the control room. She’d never felt quite relaxed here, but today that had nothing to do with the fact that it was alien. The Doctor didn’t sound as if he’d be whizzing off anywhere today; it sounded as if he was in a pretty bad way.
“Owww!” he was yelling from down the corridor. “I’d rather go around with it sticking out for ten inches for the rest of my life than…..OW! Let go, Jack!”
“Maybe if I just massage it a bit around the edge?” Rose suggested. The Doctor’s noises as Rose began to do that left little to the imagination. That was just as well. Jackie’s imagination, right now, was working flat out.
“Oh, that’s better……that’s better……” the Doctor gasped. “Don’t stop!”
“Here, you take over for a minute, Jack. My wrist’s killing me,” said Rose.
JACK?
“Oi, I’m not letting him anywhere near it. Once he starts……” the Doctor protested. The yell that followed almost made Jackie jump out of her skin. “Blimey, you don’t have to just grab onto it and pull…..that’s a sensitive spot, you know!”
There was a loud pop, and a gasp of release.
“Got it! Off in one!” Jack cried, triumphantly. “Hey, what’s that stuff underneath? It’s spraying everywhere……”
“It’s just a bit of lube,” said Rose. “I thought it might……”
“Now it’s coming up in a lump! Get a mirror!” called the Doctor. “I won’t be out in public for a while, that’s for sure.”
“Honestly, you’re better not looking,” Jack warned.
“At least you aren’t walking around with those balls poking out any more,” Rose comforted him.
“It’s gone all purple and red!” cried the Doctor in dismay. “And it’s at least four inches in diameter! How long is it going to be before it goes down again? I won’t be able to leave the TARDIS!”
Jackie’s curiosity overcame her at last. She poked her head around the bedroom door. “Everything all right? It’s just…….the Doctor……he sounds a bit…..”
Immediately, she found herself faced with a solid wall of humanity. Jack and Rose, blushing furiously, barring her entrance.
“I just popped in with some banana cookies….” Jackie began. “I didn’t realise……the Doctor……I can come back later, if……”
“Yes,” said Rose, rapidly. “Come back later. It’s just……” Jackie noticed her gaze frantically at Jack.
“Wacky Ball syndrome,” Jack explained, deadpan.
Rose stared down intently at her trainers.
“What?” Jackie’s eyebrows almost met up with her hairline. “Is it infectious?”
“Oh no.” Rose looked at Jack who nodded in agreement - frantically. “Only to other Time Lords.”
“But I thought he was the last of the Time Lords. Where did he get it from?”
“The TARDIS,” said Jack. “And anyway, Ida’s half a Time Lord.”
Jackie knew there was a hole in that argument somewhere, but before she could put her finger on it, she heard the unmistakable noise of the baby waking up from her afternoon nap. Rose, it appeared, couldn’t be out of the place fast enough.
That left Jack.
“Wacky Ball Syndrome.” Jackie tapped her foot and stared at Jack, her lips drawn into a thin line. She’d always thought he was rather a cheeky young man. And when the three of them got together……
No. She wasn’t going there. Partly because, to her own annoyance, she’d never been invited.
“Wacky ball syndrome,” Jackie repeated, more slowly and suspiciously.
Jack sighed deeply. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Maybe it’s the name.”
Could this really be the shameless Captain Jack looking awkward and scratching his head, wondered Jackie?
“Purple, and ten inches long, and spraying all over the place,” she added.
“Oh,” said Jack. “You had to go and hear that bit.”
“He was shouting rather loudly.”
“Thing is,” Jack said, after a minute’s strained silence, “he’s only thinking of Rose.”
“I can imagine,” said Jackie, frowning.
“One’s quite enough, for now,” Jack went on. “Not that she isn’t lovely, but fifteen months, it’s a long time to be in the family way. It’s frustrating for him. Very frustrating. Specially as…….Jackie, you ever seen a chimpanzee?”
“Are they the monkeys whose arses swell up when they’re…….” Jackie began, recalling the high point of a girly trip to the zoo some years ago.
“Yep.” Jack slouched against the console and nodded. “It’s tough, being an alien sometimes.”
Comprehension began to dawn on Jackie. “Oh, the poor love!” she exclaimed. “You mean, it all swells up and goes purple and…..”
“Ten inches,” Jack sighed. “No wonder he wants to hide away a while. He could wear some loose pants, but you know how vain he can be. Had special arrangements back on Gallifrey, apparently.” He tapped the side of his nose knowingly. “Robes, I believe.”
“How often does this happen?” Jackie asked.
“Oh…..’bout twice a year. Lasts a day or two. While it’s going on, he’s…….”
“And he doesn’t want to hurt Rose.” A warm glow of maternal gratitude overcame Jackie at that moment. “Oh, bless him. So that’s why there’s all this looking and kissing and holding hands the rest of the time…..”
“He makes up for it. Believe me, Jackie, he does.”
Jackie thought the wording of that statement was a little unfortunate. Not to mention the tone of voice.
“Does it have to be……Rose?” she ventured.
Very few men could have got through this conversation without raising their eyebrows. Jack happened to be one of them.
“Well, it helps,” he replied. “And, of course, they’re married now, so…..”
“It must be very hard,” Jackie sighed.
“Yep. Ten inches. Very hard.”
“I hope he’s not been hurting her.”
“She’s not complained. Well, so far as I know.”
“Can he…well, you know…”
Jack sighed deeply. “Big social taboo. Makes Time Lords go blind, apparently. They call it Rasturbation.”
“But can’t Rose use anything?”
“Doesn’t work,” said Jack. “Different biology, see. Nope, he just has to behave himself.”
There was a long pause.
“I’ve had my tubes done,” said Jackie.
A groan came from the bedroom. Men were such bad patients. Babies, every one of them, thought Jackie.
“No harm in offering, I guess,” Jack agreed, meeting her eyes.
“You’re sure Rose won’t mind?”
“She’ll understand. Course, he might feel a bit embarrassed, with you seeing him in his PJ’s and everything…..”
“Won’t be the first time,” said Jackie.
At the entrance to the bedroom, she paused for a final question.
“He hasn’t got two of them, has he?” she asked.
GENRE - Part British seaside postcard, part Carry-On Film, all crackfic
SPOILERS? The Christmas Invasion, I suppose.
WARNINGS - Ooh, this is rude.
PICTURE by
paintedxlie
CHARACTERS - Ten/Rose, Jack, Jackie Tyler
And so it came to pass that Jack Harkness got his revenge for the business on the Game Station, and nobody was ever allowed to mention Wacky Balls aboard the TARDIS again without the Doctor having an Emo Moment to equal anything in Series Three.
Jackie Tyler lingered anxiously in the control room. She’d never felt quite relaxed here, but today that had nothing to do with the fact that it was alien. The Doctor didn’t sound as if he’d be whizzing off anywhere today; it sounded as if he was in a pretty bad way.
“Owww!” he was yelling from down the corridor. “I’d rather go around with it sticking out for ten inches for the rest of my life than…..OW! Let go, Jack!”
“Maybe if I just massage it a bit around the edge?” Rose suggested. The Doctor’s noises as Rose began to do that left little to the imagination. That was just as well. Jackie’s imagination, right now, was working flat out.
“Oh, that’s better……that’s better……” the Doctor gasped. “Don’t stop!”
“Here, you take over for a minute, Jack. My wrist’s killing me,” said Rose.
JACK?
“Oi, I’m not letting him anywhere near it. Once he starts……” the Doctor protested. The yell that followed almost made Jackie jump out of her skin. “Blimey, you don’t have to just grab onto it and pull…..that’s a sensitive spot, you know!”
There was a loud pop, and a gasp of release.
“Got it! Off in one!” Jack cried, triumphantly. “Hey, what’s that stuff underneath? It’s spraying everywhere……”
“It’s just a bit of lube,” said Rose. “I thought it might……”
“Now it’s coming up in a lump! Get a mirror!” called the Doctor. “I won’t be out in public for a while, that’s for sure.”
“Honestly, you’re better not looking,” Jack warned.
“At least you aren’t walking around with those balls poking out any more,” Rose comforted him.
“It’s gone all purple and red!” cried the Doctor in dismay. “And it’s at least four inches in diameter! How long is it going to be before it goes down again? I won’t be able to leave the TARDIS!”
Jackie’s curiosity overcame her at last. She poked her head around the bedroom door. “Everything all right? It’s just…….the Doctor……he sounds a bit…..”
Immediately, she found herself faced with a solid wall of humanity. Jack and Rose, blushing furiously, barring her entrance.
“I just popped in with some banana cookies….” Jackie began. “I didn’t realise……the Doctor……I can come back later, if……”
“Yes,” said Rose, rapidly. “Come back later. It’s just……” Jackie noticed her gaze frantically at Jack.
“Wacky Ball syndrome,” Jack explained, deadpan.
Rose stared down intently at her trainers.
“What?” Jackie’s eyebrows almost met up with her hairline. “Is it infectious?”
“Oh no.” Rose looked at Jack who nodded in agreement - frantically. “Only to other Time Lords.”
“But I thought he was the last of the Time Lords. Where did he get it from?”
“The TARDIS,” said Jack. “And anyway, Ida’s half a Time Lord.”
Jackie knew there was a hole in that argument somewhere, but before she could put her finger on it, she heard the unmistakable noise of the baby waking up from her afternoon nap. Rose, it appeared, couldn’t be out of the place fast enough.
That left Jack.
“Wacky Ball Syndrome.” Jackie tapped her foot and stared at Jack, her lips drawn into a thin line. She’d always thought he was rather a cheeky young man. And when the three of them got together……
No. She wasn’t going there. Partly because, to her own annoyance, she’d never been invited.
“Wacky ball syndrome,” Jackie repeated, more slowly and suspiciously.
Jack sighed deeply. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Maybe it’s the name.”
Could this really be the shameless Captain Jack looking awkward and scratching his head, wondered Jackie?
“Purple, and ten inches long, and spraying all over the place,” she added.
“Oh,” said Jack. “You had to go and hear that bit.”
“He was shouting rather loudly.”
“Thing is,” Jack said, after a minute’s strained silence, “he’s only thinking of Rose.”
“I can imagine,” said Jackie, frowning.
“One’s quite enough, for now,” Jack went on. “Not that she isn’t lovely, but fifteen months, it’s a long time to be in the family way. It’s frustrating for him. Very frustrating. Specially as…….Jackie, you ever seen a chimpanzee?”
“Are they the monkeys whose arses swell up when they’re…….” Jackie began, recalling the high point of a girly trip to the zoo some years ago.
“Yep.” Jack slouched against the console and nodded. “It’s tough, being an alien sometimes.”
Comprehension began to dawn on Jackie. “Oh, the poor love!” she exclaimed. “You mean, it all swells up and goes purple and…..”
“Ten inches,” Jack sighed. “No wonder he wants to hide away a while. He could wear some loose pants, but you know how vain he can be. Had special arrangements back on Gallifrey, apparently.” He tapped the side of his nose knowingly. “Robes, I believe.”
“How often does this happen?” Jackie asked.
“Oh…..’bout twice a year. Lasts a day or two. While it’s going on, he’s…….”
“And he doesn’t want to hurt Rose.” A warm glow of maternal gratitude overcame Jackie at that moment. “Oh, bless him. So that’s why there’s all this looking and kissing and holding hands the rest of the time…..”
“He makes up for it. Believe me, Jackie, he does.”
Jackie thought the wording of that statement was a little unfortunate. Not to mention the tone of voice.
“Does it have to be……Rose?” she ventured.
Very few men could have got through this conversation without raising their eyebrows. Jack happened to be one of them.
“Well, it helps,” he replied. “And, of course, they’re married now, so…..”
“It must be very hard,” Jackie sighed.
“Yep. Ten inches. Very hard.”
“I hope he’s not been hurting her.”
“She’s not complained. Well, so far as I know.”
“Can he…well, you know…”
Jack sighed deeply. “Big social taboo. Makes Time Lords go blind, apparently. They call it Rasturbation.”
“But can’t Rose use anything?”
“Doesn’t work,” said Jack. “Different biology, see. Nope, he just has to behave himself.”
There was a long pause.
“I’ve had my tubes done,” said Jackie.
A groan came from the bedroom. Men were such bad patients. Babies, every one of them, thought Jackie.
“No harm in offering, I guess,” Jack agreed, meeting her eyes.
“You’re sure Rose won’t mind?”
“She’ll understand. Course, he might feel a bit embarrassed, with you seeing him in his PJ’s and everything…..”
“Won’t be the first time,” said Jackie.
At the entrance to the bedroom, she paused for a final question.
“He hasn’t got two of them, has he?” she asked.