(no subject)
i hate it when i get new perspectives on life. you know what i mean? I have just slowly lost myself in the summer. i don't know who i am anymore. i sometimes don't know who my friends are. i am afraid of leaving them in a year. i am excited about going to college but i am afraid. i don't know of what really. i guess everything. i am mostly afraid of not making new friends. not moving on. because i love my friends so much. i hate to be away from them at any second of the day. maybe that's why i have lost myself. i used to be fucked up around them all the time. but now that it's summer, that's impossible. there's not enough drugs and alcohol that we can get to supply us for 24 hours. i guess this is when people decide to do acid. but i really am scared. i am scared that that will just make it all worse. it will eventually. and i get addicted to things really easily. i feel so unconfortable all the time. i wish i had an outlet other than drugs. like playing the guitar or sky diving or something. lmao. i forgot how good it makes me feel to just type out what i don't want to say to anyone. seth. seth and morgan. morgan. morgan mattie tanner. morgan. morgan beth logan aaron sometimes andrew. seth morgan guber kevin beth lindsay logan aaron andrew eric. seth morgan guber kevin beth lindsay logan eric. morgan guber kevin beth lindsay logan eric. morgan guber kevin lindsay logan eric. morgan guber logan kevin. morgan. alone at 12. awake till 5. wake up at 8. do it all over again. justin shows up sometimes. i miss him a lot. i miss seth too. he's my best friend. and i see him less than i see everyone else. fuck his mom. to hell. life would be so much better if he never would have skipped that day. why did we skip so much? we just couldn't wait to get high for a few more hours. i am not bored with any of this. i am scared of it being over. and i can't get it out of my mind. unless i'm drunk. i used to be able to when i was high. but now i get really paranoid when i'm high. the last 6 or 7 times, i have really freaked out. i start thinking about my future. and i start to think if anyone really gives a shit about me. i know they do but no one likes thinking about shit except for me. and it makes me an outcast more and more everyday. cause while everyone is just being high and having fun, i kill my buzz by thinking about EVERYTHING!!! if anyone has read this and can figure out what i can do please help me. and i really can't smoke anymore and drink anymore than i already am cause i just can't afford it. i am broke all the time as it is. thankyou for reading this. i feel better. i hope you reading this didn't scare you away from me like it should. i wouldn't talk to me either if i was someone else.