:(
I'm really upset that my knee is so hurt. It's really, really hurt. It's weak, and swollen and it feels really weird for me to walk on it. I'm so sad and mad and disappointed that this happened. I was getting so confident in it! I was stronger, it was stronger, I had seen the Dr. and had a plan for lifelong maintenance for it, and whammo!
I can't shake this feeling of hubris - that I should have known not to try so much on it, but that's the old way of feeling that made me avoid physical activity for 20 years and I don't want to go back to that. I'm trying so hard to be healthy about this and recognize that a. these things happen, b. it's a part of training, c. this is just another challenge for me to get over. But it's hard because I'm so disappointed and feel so betrayed by my stupid stupid knee, a part of my body that I actually imagine as a separate entity from myself, and sometimes as an enemy.
I also know that a lot of this has to do with the huge barrels of stress that we've been under, coupled with PMS, but I just feel like I let everyone down. I should have been wiser about my knee, and now Sensei's upset and O'Sensei thinks it's his fault and is upset, and I'm crying just writing that.
And then I think I'm just a whiny baby and for God's sake it's just a knee injury, and people are already sick of me talking about it and I should just suck it up. You don't see Hilly talking about her arm all over the place.
I just wish my Dr. would call me back so I could feel like I was getting somewhere with it rather than just hoping it's ok while it gets bigger and stiffer (which is good for some body parts but certainly not knees....)
I can't shake this feeling of hubris - that I should have known not to try so much on it, but that's the old way of feeling that made me avoid physical activity for 20 years and I don't want to go back to that. I'm trying so hard to be healthy about this and recognize that a. these things happen, b. it's a part of training, c. this is just another challenge for me to get over. But it's hard because I'm so disappointed and feel so betrayed by my stupid stupid knee, a part of my body that I actually imagine as a separate entity from myself, and sometimes as an enemy.
I also know that a lot of this has to do with the huge barrels of stress that we've been under, coupled with PMS, but I just feel like I let everyone down. I should have been wiser about my knee, and now Sensei's upset and O'Sensei thinks it's his fault and is upset, and I'm crying just writing that.
And then I think I'm just a whiny baby and for God's sake it's just a knee injury, and people are already sick of me talking about it and I should just suck it up. You don't see Hilly talking about her arm all over the place.
I just wish my Dr. would call me back so I could feel like I was getting somewhere with it rather than just hoping it's ok while it gets bigger and stiffer (which is good for some body parts but certainly not knees....)