if i had to live my life again, i'd make the same mistakes again, only sooner.
+i deleted my last entry, which survived but a few hours. i'm generally not a proponent of such self censure, however - there are certain posts that it simply is best not to keep. indeed, the reaction it was written out of was, i am sure, the one that was desired. the experience, i suspect, was in fact fitting. such exercises in masochism get what they deserve. i should not have listened. i should not have allowed myself to be told. by doing such, i allow myself to be drawn back in. but no.. i am no longer playing. i know better than this. plus, i have handled all this ugly rot in a manner i am proud of. i will not be gotten the better of now.
and the truth is i would rather pay the price for an authentic life.
i have been thinking alot about these things lately (perhaps unsurprisingly). authenticity. identity. character. what makes a person who they are? the sum of their actions? their intentions? their failures of self? their rationalizations? their psychopathy? i feel like everyone around me crashes through life like meteors.there is a force,a gravity to them, that makes my head spin (barely enough time to react in this world, let alone rehearse). perhaps i am just too raw a wound (bare nerve and heat). too thin skinned (perhaps i should have learned my lessons years ago on amelia street. but. that would be too easy).
but i am changing.
i have been changed.
and for the better.
part of this requires a reclaimation of self. of parts of my life given too freely.parts of myself taken in bad faith.
i am done censuring my life. i am taking back what is mine.
i.am.so.much.better.than.this.
+ obsessions: obama. bridget mcmanus. tv onwords. the webternets. dexter. embodiment. my apartment(this new secret garden). tilda swinton. sleater-kinney. feminism. poli sci students. intellectual supercouples. emails from old sweet friends. painting. yoga. smoking pot. superbad. cereal. reading. the sugarbowl. matthew grey gubler. tori amos. art. the dark.
+i am falling in love with philosophy again. this deserves its own post.
+it seems i have started to shrink again, which is perhaps unsurprising since 1)i've gone back on metformin (oh silly pancreas, calm down) and 2)my appetite has yet to re-normalize, meaning that a good day= 2 meals a day. i actually bought a size 14/16 top while in ontario, meaning i am about or close to the size i was in 10th grade (maybe 9th even). those who know me well will know how conflicted i feel about all of this. an understandable byproduct of choosing a profession built on social, cultural and moral analysis. at the same time, my relationship with or my feeling of my body seems to be changing (in part to a new amazing yoga class and in part to reading my supervisor's book). at the same time, i suspect i will keep shrinking as i want to start doing some form of exercise regularly (be it gym or yoga) to help maintain my mood and energy through the long dark winter of northern alberta. things that make you go hmmmm.
+i finally met the girls who i am "adult mentoring" (a bizarre label for anything i do) and they are so absolutly savvy and adorable that i want to eat every single one. there are 10 of them, ages 10-14 and all hyperactive and silly, but also keenly aware. last week, i did a wee workshop on body image with them (a prelude to a 2 hour workshop at the end of the month, after they see a play about anorexia) and twe alked about eating disorders and tv shows like extreme makeover and plastic surgery and ghetto booty. someone mentioned the show 10 years younger on tlc (where they put you in a glass box and people walk by and guess your age and then the makeover team makes you look, as you might imagine, 10 years younger) and one of girls yelled "talk about objectification! woah!" and the rest were like "i know, right?" and someone said "it's like she's a doll". i almost cried with glee and wanted to squeeze all of their awkward gangly selves into my bosom. i totally had hope for the planet for a whole 3 hours after.
+i'm kind of falling in love with edmonton, a bizarre and unexpected outcome (and one, everyone assures me, will change once it "really gets cold"). there are a weirdly large amount of opportunities for awesomeness for a big old queer shit disturber like me. i have been asked to blog some of the events during the city's queer arts festival starting this weekend (someone recommended me, how cool is that?), which means i get to go to all the events for free and meet lots ot super awesome queer artists/activists. plus, it's an excuse to dress up. holy.fucking.awesome.
+despite something of a stumbling start, school isn't going horribly. my sshrc got decent reviews and made it out of the department and into the university wide competition. i've got 2 of my 3 paper topics sorted and while i have one shitty essay mark so far, i feel like i can still salvage the course. i've been rehired to do RA work for my favourite adorable poli sci prof (partner to my supervisor and half of one of my current intellectual supercouple obessions) for 36 bucks an hour. only in alberta. thank god too. visa is hungry.
+today has been a fabulously productive day. the apartment is clean. the laundry is done. ive finished two readings and a painting. started some RA work.and it's only 3 pm! blah blah blah. the moral of the story is some days i kick complete fucking ass.
and the truth is i would rather pay the price for an authentic life.
i have been thinking alot about these things lately (perhaps unsurprisingly). authenticity. identity. character. what makes a person who they are? the sum of their actions? their intentions? their failures of self? their rationalizations? their psychopathy? i feel like everyone around me crashes through life like meteors.there is a force,a gravity to them, that makes my head spin (barely enough time to react in this world, let alone rehearse). perhaps i am just too raw a wound (bare nerve and heat). too thin skinned (perhaps i should have learned my lessons years ago on amelia street. but. that would be too easy).
but i am changing.
i have been changed.
and for the better.
part of this requires a reclaimation of self. of parts of my life given too freely.parts of myself taken in bad faith.
i am done censuring my life. i am taking back what is mine.
i.am.so.much.better.than.this.
+ obsessions: obama. bridget mcmanus. tv onwords. the webternets. dexter. embodiment. my apartment(this new secret garden). tilda swinton. sleater-kinney. feminism. poli sci students. intellectual supercouples. emails from old sweet friends. painting. yoga. smoking pot. superbad. cereal. reading. the sugarbowl. matthew grey gubler. tori amos. art. the dark.
+i am falling in love with philosophy again. this deserves its own post.
+it seems i have started to shrink again, which is perhaps unsurprising since 1)i've gone back on metformin (oh silly pancreas, calm down) and 2)my appetite has yet to re-normalize, meaning that a good day= 2 meals a day. i actually bought a size 14/16 top while in ontario, meaning i am about or close to the size i was in 10th grade (maybe 9th even). those who know me well will know how conflicted i feel about all of this. an understandable byproduct of choosing a profession built on social, cultural and moral analysis. at the same time, my relationship with or my feeling of my body seems to be changing (in part to a new amazing yoga class and in part to reading my supervisor's book). at the same time, i suspect i will keep shrinking as i want to start doing some form of exercise regularly (be it gym or yoga) to help maintain my mood and energy through the long dark winter of northern alberta. things that make you go hmmmm.
+i finally met the girls who i am "adult mentoring" (a bizarre label for anything i do) and they are so absolutly savvy and adorable that i want to eat every single one. there are 10 of them, ages 10-14 and all hyperactive and silly, but also keenly aware. last week, i did a wee workshop on body image with them (a prelude to a 2 hour workshop at the end of the month, after they see a play about anorexia) and twe alked about eating disorders and tv shows like extreme makeover and plastic surgery and ghetto booty. someone mentioned the show 10 years younger on tlc (where they put you in a glass box and people walk by and guess your age and then the makeover team makes you look, as you might imagine, 10 years younger) and one of girls yelled "talk about objectification! woah!" and the rest were like "i know, right?" and someone said "it's like she's a doll". i almost cried with glee and wanted to squeeze all of their awkward gangly selves into my bosom. i totally had hope for the planet for a whole 3 hours after.
+i'm kind of falling in love with edmonton, a bizarre and unexpected outcome (and one, everyone assures me, will change once it "really gets cold"). there are a weirdly large amount of opportunities for awesomeness for a big old queer shit disturber like me. i have been asked to blog some of the events during the city's queer arts festival starting this weekend (someone recommended me, how cool is that?), which means i get to go to all the events for free and meet lots ot super awesome queer artists/activists. plus, it's an excuse to dress up. holy.fucking.awesome.
+despite something of a stumbling start, school isn't going horribly. my sshrc got decent reviews and made it out of the department and into the university wide competition. i've got 2 of my 3 paper topics sorted and while i have one shitty essay mark so far, i feel like i can still salvage the course. i've been rehired to do RA work for my favourite adorable poli sci prof (partner to my supervisor and half of one of my current intellectual supercouple obessions) for 36 bucks an hour. only in alberta. thank god too. visa is hungry.
+today has been a fabulously productive day. the apartment is clean. the laundry is done. ive finished two readings and a painting. started some RA work.and it's only 3 pm! blah blah blah. the moral of the story is some days i kick complete fucking ass.