Why Aren't You Married? And Other Family Awkwardness
Talked to my pops on the phone last night, for the first time in a couple of years. Some of it was fun (we have the same sense of humor), but most of it was tiring.
The things that have kept me from talking to him are Still True. He wants to talk about his health (which is fine to talk about as long as we don't spend hours on it), my health (which I really am not interested in discussing), my relationship status (see title - whaaaaaat?), and only a little bit about music. The biggest issue, though, is that he's decided that I am This Kind Of Person and therefore I Think That Way, which is... ya know, all projection on his part because I'm not like him in all things. Sigh.
I gotta say, this is one of my big pet peeves of the universe. If you want to know what I think, most of the time you just need to ask, and I will tell you. (If I don't have a relationship of direct honesty with you, I won't lie, but I'll work harder at being diplomatic and leaving you escape clauses, in case you're not cool with hearing truth.) There is never any reason *at all* to be making up shit about what I think. No. Reason. I had to stop the guy twice when he said (with a false sense of insouciance), "Well, I know you think blah blah blah about that..." and let him know that, no, in fact, I do not think blah blah blah about that. And it really bugs me when [you] say that, don't listen to what I say, and don't understand that just because I don't thrill to the familial resonances, I'm incapable of understanding the depth of feeling that you have for family, the necessity of interpersonal relationships of substance, or the nuances of tough choices regarding health and quality of life.
And somewhere in there, he thinks I'm judging, or finding contemptible his... path through life, or his weakness in wanting to have a long term marriage even at the expense of getting to sleep with hot floozies, and not becoming a rock star, or something. Which... *shrug* I dunno. I'm not judging, I don't think it's weakness to want to have a stable home life with a loving partner, I've never disrespected his musical abilities or choices, but I do get weary of him making excuses about these things and his assumptions about what's valuable (or useless) to me.
So, yeah... one of the discussions I had to get through with pops is the whole why I'm not married thing. I left out all the parts about how I'm creeped out about physical intimacy since the year of surgeries, and tried to gently explain how I don't hate the idea of partnership, or think it's worthless, but there's not a store somewhere where you can just browse for Compatible Intimate Partners. Aside from the fact that it's not fair to be looking for intimate partners when you don't want to be one, I have met exactly *one* available / interested woman who is over age 26 (no joke), and all the men I've met of decent age have a whole *slew* of issues, not the least of which are raging entitlement, childishness, and an overwhelming ignorance of their own privilege. I don't need a man for that, I can just pay attention to Fox News.
And my pops says in reply, "Well, your mother doesn't want a man, either. Everybody she meets in Vegas finds out she has a steady job and a house, and then they think she's PERFECT!" Yes, well. Go figure.
...
Normally someone misunderstanding me is Not A Thing. I totally comprehend that there a lot of people who don't get me and I don't lose sleep over it, nor do I feel the need to constantly educate. Usually, I just don't pursue close friendships or relationships with people that can't hang, and there's no need to dislike them or be mad at myself because there's not a mental match. There are people who *do* match, without super intense effort, and in a lot of ways, my pops is one of them. I just wish he'd get over his insecurity about himself that causes him to think I'm looking down on him, and also shed his belief that I'm irreparably emotionally broken because I don't think of him as a father figure.
He's 69 years old as of 6/9. He doesn't have a ton of time left on this earth. He really wants to have a relationship with me. I won't fake the funk with him, as it's not my way, but I'd like to have a relationship with him for his sake. Unfortunately, I don't have the dealotrons to be angry about conversations with him. I hope he hears what I say and learns to chill, so I can go back to being in touch with him more often.
The things that have kept me from talking to him are Still True. He wants to talk about his health (which is fine to talk about as long as we don't spend hours on it), my health (which I really am not interested in discussing), my relationship status (see title - whaaaaaat?), and only a little bit about music. The biggest issue, though, is that he's decided that I am This Kind Of Person and therefore I Think That Way, which is... ya know, all projection on his part because I'm not like him in all things. Sigh.
I gotta say, this is one of my big pet peeves of the universe. If you want to know what I think, most of the time you just need to ask, and I will tell you. (If I don't have a relationship of direct honesty with you, I won't lie, but I'll work harder at being diplomatic and leaving you escape clauses, in case you're not cool with hearing truth.) There is never any reason *at all* to be making up shit about what I think. No. Reason. I had to stop the guy twice when he said (with a false sense of insouciance), "Well, I know you think blah blah blah about that..." and let him know that, no, in fact, I do not think blah blah blah about that. And it really bugs me when [you] say that, don't listen to what I say, and don't understand that just because I don't thrill to the familial resonances, I'm incapable of understanding the depth of feeling that you have for family, the necessity of interpersonal relationships of substance, or the nuances of tough choices regarding health and quality of life.
And somewhere in there, he thinks I'm judging, or finding contemptible his... path through life, or his weakness in wanting to have a long term marriage even at the expense of getting to sleep with hot floozies, and not becoming a rock star, or something. Which... *shrug* I dunno. I'm not judging, I don't think it's weakness to want to have a stable home life with a loving partner, I've never disrespected his musical abilities or choices, but I do get weary of him making excuses about these things and his assumptions about what's valuable (or useless) to me.
So, yeah... one of the discussions I had to get through with pops is the whole why I'm not married thing. I left out all the parts about how I'm creeped out about physical intimacy since the year of surgeries, and tried to gently explain how I don't hate the idea of partnership, or think it's worthless, but there's not a store somewhere where you can just browse for Compatible Intimate Partners. Aside from the fact that it's not fair to be looking for intimate partners when you don't want to be one, I have met exactly *one* available / interested woman who is over age 26 (no joke), and all the men I've met of decent age have a whole *slew* of issues, not the least of which are raging entitlement, childishness, and an overwhelming ignorance of their own privilege. I don't need a man for that, I can just pay attention to Fox News.
And my pops says in reply, "Well, your mother doesn't want a man, either. Everybody she meets in Vegas finds out she has a steady job and a house, and then they think she's PERFECT!" Yes, well. Go figure.
...
Normally someone misunderstanding me is Not A Thing. I totally comprehend that there a lot of people who don't get me and I don't lose sleep over it, nor do I feel the need to constantly educate. Usually, I just don't pursue close friendships or relationships with people that can't hang, and there's no need to dislike them or be mad at myself because there's not a mental match. There are people who *do* match, without super intense effort, and in a lot of ways, my pops is one of them. I just wish he'd get over his insecurity about himself that causes him to think I'm looking down on him, and also shed his belief that I'm irreparably emotionally broken because I don't think of him as a father figure.
He's 69 years old as of 6/9. He doesn't have a ton of time left on this earth. He really wants to have a relationship with me. I won't fake the funk with him, as it's not my way, but I'd like to have a relationship with him for his sake. Unfortunately, I don't have the dealotrons to be angry about conversations with him. I hope he hears what I say and learns to chill, so I can go back to being in touch with him more often.