I'm cranky today
Today was just wrong for me somehow. Started out well enough. Woke up when I was supposed to (9am). Lounged around, checked e-mails, talked to Nick (her first poem is being published in a journal) and was generally pleasantly lazy. Got so relaxed in fact that I didn't start getting ready for work early enough and had to rush out the door before eating anything.
Work was fine and good, until about 4 o'clock when the cramps from hell hit me and I realized that I hadn't yet eaten anything today. Took about an hour for the ibuprofen to finally kick in and for me to get some food, but by then I was just cranky and tired and not so relaxed anymore. By the time I left 45 minutes after I was supposed to be off I had even gotten playfully whiny. I know I sounded like a cranky 3 year old who needed some juice, a cookie, and a nap. Which is about how I felt, so no surprise there.
Had a voicemail from Bethany when I finally left, which is when I remembered that today is the 4 year anniversary of the accident. Until we started talking recently I hadn't thought about the accident in ages. I didn't even remember what month it had happened in off the top of my head. I still wonder why it seems like it barely effected me at all. How is that possible? It can't be just because I wasn't driving, there must be something else that has reduced it's impact on my life. It bothers me sometimes that I'm not as affected by it as I feel I should be. But... I'm just not. There it is. The feeling's just not there. I'm not numb (four years later how could I be?), the reality of it just doesn't reach me for some reason.
But it still reaches out for Bethany all too often it seems. And it hurts me that she still has to feel that, still has to be there again, that it can't just be in her past like it is for me.
It's weird that we started talking again right at this time of the year. Wonder if it's the spring energy calling out to me - the spirit of awakening and rebirth. Or if it's a connection we feel to each other at this time of year. Or maybe it's just a fluke that we happened to be ready to talk again after these last few years. Whatever. I'm glad to call her friend again. I feel blessed to know that she doesn't hold my leaving her against me. That she understands I did it cause I thought I had to and she would be ok with it if I felt I had to do it again. But I hope I don't have to do it again. I didn't want to do it the first time.
I've been forced to leave people behind many times in my life, mostly due to moving with the army. It was so much harder to voluntarily put a friendship aside, especially with someone so important to me. And even now I want there to be good reasons for it, but I don't really think there are. I just couldn't do it right then, for whatever reason I didn't have it in me to be friends with her then. And mostly that feels like a personal failing on my part, even if it all turned out all right in the end.
I feel like I need some hugs right now. I think it's time to curl up with my puppy, a soft blanket, a warm drink, and my favorite tv show - Veronica Mars. (but maybe I'll watch RENT instead)
Work was fine and good, until about 4 o'clock when the cramps from hell hit me and I realized that I hadn't yet eaten anything today. Took about an hour for the ibuprofen to finally kick in and for me to get some food, but by then I was just cranky and tired and not so relaxed anymore. By the time I left 45 minutes after I was supposed to be off I had even gotten playfully whiny. I know I sounded like a cranky 3 year old who needed some juice, a cookie, and a nap. Which is about how I felt, so no surprise there.
Had a voicemail from Bethany when I finally left, which is when I remembered that today is the 4 year anniversary of the accident. Until we started talking recently I hadn't thought about the accident in ages. I didn't even remember what month it had happened in off the top of my head. I still wonder why it seems like it barely effected me at all. How is that possible? It can't be just because I wasn't driving, there must be something else that has reduced it's impact on my life. It bothers me sometimes that I'm not as affected by it as I feel I should be. But... I'm just not. There it is. The feeling's just not there. I'm not numb (four years later how could I be?), the reality of it just doesn't reach me for some reason.
But it still reaches out for Bethany all too often it seems. And it hurts me that she still has to feel that, still has to be there again, that it can't just be in her past like it is for me.
It's weird that we started talking again right at this time of the year. Wonder if it's the spring energy calling out to me - the spirit of awakening and rebirth. Or if it's a connection we feel to each other at this time of year. Or maybe it's just a fluke that we happened to be ready to talk again after these last few years. Whatever. I'm glad to call her friend again. I feel blessed to know that she doesn't hold my leaving her against me. That she understands I did it cause I thought I had to and she would be ok with it if I felt I had to do it again. But I hope I don't have to do it again. I didn't want to do it the first time.
I've been forced to leave people behind many times in my life, mostly due to moving with the army. It was so much harder to voluntarily put a friendship aside, especially with someone so important to me. And even now I want there to be good reasons for it, but I don't really think there are. I just couldn't do it right then, for whatever reason I didn't have it in me to be friends with her then. And mostly that feels like a personal failing on my part, even if it all turned out all right in the end.
I feel like I need some hugs right now. I think it's time to curl up with my puppy, a soft blanket, a warm drink, and my favorite tv show - Veronica Mars. (but maybe I'll watch RENT instead)