(no subject)
Talked to Bethany for a half hour tonight. That was unexpected and nice. I'd forgotten how much I had just enjoyed talking to her about whatever. Sometimes I think we both tend to deliver monologues to the other, but then their disrupted by intriguing questions that expand my understanding of the conversation or concept or whatever. It's fun.
So I never post and I suck, blah blah blah. I think about it a lot though. Usually when I'm driving in my car, but by the time I'm home the moment has passed and I don't really have anything to say anymore.
I'm going to ramble for a bit about whatever pops into my head next, so here's the cut to spare those people who had forgotten that I was even on their flist.
I'm kind of shaky and feeling jittery and wound up after my convo with Bethany. I wonder what it is about her and our "friendship?" that always makes me feel so intensely. Is it a function of her forceful personality that is manifested in people receptive to that kind of energy, like myself? Or is there really such a thing as a special connection between people? This feeling and our talks was why I was friends with her for so long, even though I didn't always like how I felt about the whole business then. But I had a lot of issues that I didn't acknowledge or know about then, so maybe that was it? Guess I'll find out one way or another if we keep talking every so often.
That tarot reading I posted about a few months ago? the one C did that I found so amazing?
Well the first question I asked was about Bethany. I wanted to know if things would be different this time around. When we stopped being friends there were hurt feelings all around, well at least I was real torn up about it, even though I was the one that didn't want to be friends anymore. So I asked C if it was all going to end like that again this time, cause quite frankly I didn't want to go there again, no matter how interesting and amazing I find Bethany as a person. But in the reading she said no that it would be different this time. And I believed her. Maybe I just want to believe that Bethany and I really can be friends without whatever shit it is that I got all tangled up in last time. Logically I was convinced because she sort of recounted the history of the meltdown to me and I'd never told her anything about Bethany or what our friendship was like. I didn't even use a name when I asked the question.
So now I'm thinking about the whole tarot thing more than the Bethany conversation that started this post. That was an amazing experience. One I haven't felt the need to repeat at all though. I asked most of the questions I wanted some perspective on in that one night. Even though that was probably three months ago now, I don't really have anything new that I need to look at from the distance that a reading could provide. That kind of makes me feel as if I'm boring cause the drama isn't happening as often or raising as many issues as I seem to remember it doing. Maybe it's just cause I'm older.
It's more likely that it's cause I don't care about people nearly as much anymore. One of the things I asked C about in the reading was whether I should keep making a lot of effort to keep close with old friends. And she said not to force it, because my relationship and my need for my friends wasn't the same as it had been in college. I don't think of them as a surrogate family anymore so my level of emotional involvement is different and that's ok. I found that a very interesting comment cause I don't think I'd ever consciously thought as my friends as my family before, but I did seek out that kind of interconnectedness from them. Strangely, even though I'm home with my family again now, I don't really seek that interconnectedness from them either. I think I'm in an emotionally distant phase or something. I say phase cause I don't think it's true that I'll never care as intensely for people again as I did in college. I'm reasonably sure that there will be a few friends and hopefully at least one romantic relationship that I'll feel that way about. But for the most part right now I'm just enjoying people's company and taking or leaving the shit and such as I feel at the moment. It's very refreshing to just enjoy people's company without looking to make a more permanent and lasting connection RIGHT NOW.
Am now off to mess about on myspace. Damn all you people for making me participate in the stupid myspace phenomenon. If you weren't all getting so into it I would be perfectly happy staying in LJland. *poohie*
So I never post and I suck, blah blah blah. I think about it a lot though. Usually when I'm driving in my car, but by the time I'm home the moment has passed and I don't really have anything to say anymore.
I'm going to ramble for a bit about whatever pops into my head next, so here's the cut to spare those people who had forgotten that I was even on their flist.
I'm kind of shaky and feeling jittery and wound up after my convo with Bethany. I wonder what it is about her and our "friendship?" that always makes me feel so intensely. Is it a function of her forceful personality that is manifested in people receptive to that kind of energy, like myself? Or is there really such a thing as a special connection between people? This feeling and our talks was why I was friends with her for so long, even though I didn't always like how I felt about the whole business then. But I had a lot of issues that I didn't acknowledge or know about then, so maybe that was it? Guess I'll find out one way or another if we keep talking every so often.
That tarot reading I posted about a few months ago? the one C did that I found so amazing?
Well the first question I asked was about Bethany. I wanted to know if things would be different this time around. When we stopped being friends there were hurt feelings all around, well at least I was real torn up about it, even though I was the one that didn't want to be friends anymore. So I asked C if it was all going to end like that again this time, cause quite frankly I didn't want to go there again, no matter how interesting and amazing I find Bethany as a person. But in the reading she said no that it would be different this time. And I believed her. Maybe I just want to believe that Bethany and I really can be friends without whatever shit it is that I got all tangled up in last time. Logically I was convinced because she sort of recounted the history of the meltdown to me and I'd never told her anything about Bethany or what our friendship was like. I didn't even use a name when I asked the question.
So now I'm thinking about the whole tarot thing more than the Bethany conversation that started this post. That was an amazing experience. One I haven't felt the need to repeat at all though. I asked most of the questions I wanted some perspective on in that one night. Even though that was probably three months ago now, I don't really have anything new that I need to look at from the distance that a reading could provide. That kind of makes me feel as if I'm boring cause the drama isn't happening as often or raising as many issues as I seem to remember it doing. Maybe it's just cause I'm older.
It's more likely that it's cause I don't care about people nearly as much anymore. One of the things I asked C about in the reading was whether I should keep making a lot of effort to keep close with old friends. And she said not to force it, because my relationship and my need for my friends wasn't the same as it had been in college. I don't think of them as a surrogate family anymore so my level of emotional involvement is different and that's ok. I found that a very interesting comment cause I don't think I'd ever consciously thought as my friends as my family before, but I did seek out that kind of interconnectedness from them. Strangely, even though I'm home with my family again now, I don't really seek that interconnectedness from them either. I think I'm in an emotionally distant phase or something. I say phase cause I don't think it's true that I'll never care as intensely for people again as I did in college. I'm reasonably sure that there will be a few friends and hopefully at least one romantic relationship that I'll feel that way about. But for the most part right now I'm just enjoying people's company and taking or leaving the shit and such as I feel at the moment. It's very refreshing to just enjoy people's company without looking to make a more permanent and lasting connection RIGHT NOW.
Am now off to mess about on myspace. Damn all you people for making me participate in the stupid myspace phenomenon. If you weren't all getting so into it I would be perfectly happy staying in LJland. *poohie*