Coming Out of the Dark (to make a Lifter post)
I went into the smaller of the two bathrooms at work yesterday and there was one of the larger employees drinking water from one of the sinks as if he hadn't had anything to drink in days. The entire time I was using the urinal, he had his face in the sink. He finished just in time to avoid eye contact. Weird. Just weird.
Later that day I was in one of the stalls doing my thing, when who else but the goddamn Lifter came tearing into the restroom. I know it was the Lifter, because I recognized his voice when he yelled UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH when he made it to the urinal. I'm sitting on the john thinking "Jesus tap dancing Christ, what the FUCK?" because he had at least two more loud as hell UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH noises. What's worse, the timing was all wrong.
Think about the worst you've ever had to piss. There is a pretty good chance that you said AAAAHHHHH wen you finally let loose. Now, when you more than likely said AAAHHH, you had already begun. Well, the Lifter did not have the time to make it to the urinal, unzip, whip out his horror cannon, and fire off any amount of hot salty terror before his groan of relief echoed off the tile. The UUUHHH actually came first. There was another UHHHH, and the final sequence of events were as follows, in order: flush, zip, UUUUHHHHHH, exit. Not only was this sequence in the wrong order, but they came too close together. For this to make sense in any normal urination scenario, I can see only three possible explanations.
1) He pissed himself hardcore while unzipping and then again while zipping up.
2) His dick was stuck in the zipper, and he got it stuck again after the flush.
3) He was not urinating, but was rather doing a speed-jerk.
No option is pretty, but given his history of leaving presents in the stall, #1 is the least likely of the two. #2 is fucking frightening, so this can only mean that he was ready to blow when he slammed open the restroom door. The Lifter is by far the most disgusting human beng I have ever known.
Later that day I was in one of the stalls doing my thing, when who else but the goddamn Lifter came tearing into the restroom. I know it was the Lifter, because I recognized his voice when he yelled UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH when he made it to the urinal. I'm sitting on the john thinking "Jesus tap dancing Christ, what the FUCK?" because he had at least two more loud as hell UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH noises. What's worse, the timing was all wrong.
Think about the worst you've ever had to piss. There is a pretty good chance that you said AAAAHHHHH wen you finally let loose. Now, when you more than likely said AAAHHH, you had already begun. Well, the Lifter did not have the time to make it to the urinal, unzip, whip out his horror cannon, and fire off any amount of hot salty terror before his groan of relief echoed off the tile. The UUUHHH actually came first. There was another UHHHH, and the final sequence of events were as follows, in order: flush, zip, UUUUHHHHHH, exit. Not only was this sequence in the wrong order, but they came too close together. For this to make sense in any normal urination scenario, I can see only three possible explanations.
1) He pissed himself hardcore while unzipping and then again while zipping up.
2) His dick was stuck in the zipper, and he got it stuck again after the flush.
3) He was not urinating, but was rather doing a speed-jerk.
No option is pretty, but given his history of leaving presents in the stall, #1 is the least likely of the two. #2 is fucking frightening, so this can only mean that he was ready to blow when he slammed open the restroom door. The Lifter is by far the most disgusting human beng I have ever known.