Cat at Stonehenge - Summer Solstice 2006
Somehow,in the wee hours of the morning on 21st June I found myself dancing in the centre of Stonehenge. Dancing to drums and didgeredoos, even though I could barely move for the squash of people, looking up every so often at the immensity of the stones as if to remind myself where I actually was.
I'm no druid. I didn't go for the stones or the ley-lines. I went for the people and the atmosphere, and I went thanks to massage(following passion?) since it was a case study who mentioned she was going and asked me along. I went because I've gotten into the habit now of marking out the solstices and this seemed like the perfect way. Some people might call it hedonism, but for me life, passion and people IS my religion.. and as we joined thousands of others trekking past the police gates and winding the mile or so from the car park(field) to the stones, I was struck by the sheer folly and brilliance of People. I felt a bit like Dr.Who in his "aren't humans great- c'mere for a hug" mode. The way we were all gathering at a pile of stones in the middle of the countryside, not to see a gig or a football match, but just because. All ages of people, from all parts of the country. To watch a sunrise which was unlikely to appear through the black cloud covering almost the entire sky..all except for a hopeful sliver on the horizon.
I went without expectations, and I went feeling somewhat lost and empty; but in the centre of that circle I pulled together all the fragments and realised just how far I've come..
Go back a few years, and I would never have even bothered doing something like go to a big solstice celebration, let alone push my way in through the mass of people just to get as close to the hand drumming as I could. I was armed with nothing more than a cigarette lighter and two rather skinny but high quality joints courtesy of my friend Duncan...these were taken not because I wanted to get stoned but instead as a token, something to offer and share with those I might connect with inside. Mostly this became a small group of drummers/musicians which expanded and shifted as other people joined and left.
At one point two guys with flutes appeared, one standing right next to me. The old Cat would have thought "damn, I wish could be someone with the courage and ability to just improvise like that", the newer Cat thought "argh I really want to ask if I can borrow that and give it a try.." and the Cat I'm becoming/really am spoke up and before I knew it I was holding a flute and tentatively playing some made up music to the rhythmns of the drums. When I stopped, a friendly-bouncer-looking chap I'd encountered a few times in the circle asked me if I would mind playing some more flute for him...turns out his father used to play it and he loves the sound, and also that he is slowly going deaf and it would mean a lot to hear some flute playing. That did it for me! I quietly played some right in his face, and after much thanks I turned back to the drummers and REALLY went for it. I'm not sure if this will ever happen again, it was like one of those moments when you stop thinking about how silly your dance is but just get absorbed by it. I was playing the flute like I do my best massage - from the heart, and fully connected. I swayed and danced as a played, eyes closed, building up the pitch and complexity into the high piercing notes you just can't be subtle about. Expressing myself, the day, the people, everything. When I opened my eyes, one of the drummers had just stopped, and was standing with his arms held wide, gesturing towards me as though he was trying to quiet every one else down a bit..a look of amazement. And when I stopped playing, a girl in the crowd kept shouting "lady!!! keep playing!!". People were DANCING to it! Absolute magic. My flute playing is nothing special, I never even got half way through the "grades" and exams -- but that didn't matter because for those moments it was simply me, and the instrument, and what I could express with that.
The guy who owned the flute eventually came back (he trusted me enough to leave it with me for a while) and then it was over. But my peak moment was when the sun finally broke through some cloud and flooded through gaps of the stones, a cheer went up and at the same time I shifted into upper registers, everything coming together in a moment of celebration.
The cheering and shouting that occasionally rippled across the people was primal and fantastic. By this stage I was sitting on the bouncer-guy's shoulders, and when the cheering went up I let loose and just howled from the pit of my soul, again something I never thought I'd do amongst other people. I stood high on a fallen stone and danced some more, watching as some brilliant fool climbed the big stones, bringing a cheer up from the crowd as he raised his arms to the sun.
I started massaging people's shoulders and heads, passing on a bit of bliss and TOUCH, happy just to be bringing that aspect of me into the circle as well. And then I got right to the centre of it all and danced some more, paying attention to my body, dancing with other women, starting to connect to something primal and raw in me, and the place, and the celebration of the sun. Getting into a more ritualistic head-space where the offered rum and coke became the chalice, where I was drawing up energy and life from the earth and the dancing, and where I needed to kiss someone to bring together and celebrate that union of male and female..it's hard to explain exactly. But a man turned up, and he was old, very old, but there was something of the Mage about him, a sharpness in his eyes and a sense that he was touching on this slightly altered space I was in. I say touching, perhaps fully immersed, for he told me he was an elf and asked me what I was. My ONLY regret for the whole day is that I didn't give him the answer, I lied and said I didn't know yet. The kiss felt symbolic, energetic and amazingly powerful/sensuous/tantric even though it wasn't sexual(?), but then I got the sense he was trying to breathe in my life and at that point I stopped! This IS part of me, dancing on the edges of danger and passion, and then becoming foxy-like and dissapearing amongst the crowds, making my way out of the circle..
This is when I met my friends again, and also a group of Hare Krishna. And yes, I joined in. I had to! I asked one of them what it all meant, and he said it was the vibration of the sound and the mantra - that lifted your soul up to enlightenment. I wouldn't be a Hare Krishna myself, but I can certainly fit that mindset into my views on life, music, passion and dacing. I was pulled into the ring of dancers by a tall guy in new rock boots and a trenchcoat; he seemed to be getting into it as much as I was, adding an element of death metal with some gravelly shouts of Hare Krishna! I spoke to him later and he said he was originally taking the piss but then realised about the shared/encompassing nature of music. Later on a woman in a football shirt joined in too and shouted "come-on-england!" in time with the mantra. Brilliant.
By the time we left, it had turned into a glorious sunny morning, and I became aware of the fact that the fields we had trudged past on the way were full of red poppies! I felt as though I was in a painting. Sitting by the fields muching on breakfast, pretty much everyone I connected to in the circle walked past and said hi to me, or thanks for the flute, and in a few cases "you're great do you want to come back to my party in london/oxford/scotland" :) I hadn't been seeking attention, just simply really being me. And look what happens!
The atmosphere truly was amazing, even if a lot of people were drunk/stoned/high. People were sharing, and laughing, and smiling and saying "happy solstice!" to each other..and that the day turned from clouds to sun really made it feel as though it was all this dancing and joy and madness which CAUSED the sun to come out :)
All this and it wasn't even 9am. I couldn't see how my day was going to get any better, when a gorgeous black and white husky came running over to me and let me pet it. I love huskies.
Massage, dancing, flute playing, laughing, connecting. Yes. I was high on it all for about a week! This time last year, my life looked in pieces, and I'd been struggling for a direction and a way out of my job. A year on, I look at how far I've come and feel proud of myself. And this is just the start.
click for photos of stonehenge solstice!
and just to prove it -me playing the flute :)
I'm no druid. I didn't go for the stones or the ley-lines. I went for the people and the atmosphere, and I went thanks to massage(following passion?) since it was a case study who mentioned she was going and asked me along. I went because I've gotten into the habit now of marking out the solstices and this seemed like the perfect way. Some people might call it hedonism, but for me life, passion and people IS my religion.. and as we joined thousands of others trekking past the police gates and winding the mile or so from the car park(field) to the stones, I was struck by the sheer folly and brilliance of People. I felt a bit like Dr.Who in his "aren't humans great- c'mere for a hug" mode. The way we were all gathering at a pile of stones in the middle of the countryside, not to see a gig or a football match, but just because. All ages of people, from all parts of the country. To watch a sunrise which was unlikely to appear through the black cloud covering almost the entire sky..all except for a hopeful sliver on the horizon.
I went without expectations, and I went feeling somewhat lost and empty; but in the centre of that circle I pulled together all the fragments and realised just how far I've come..
Go back a few years, and I would never have even bothered doing something like go to a big solstice celebration, let alone push my way in through the mass of people just to get as close to the hand drumming as I could. I was armed with nothing more than a cigarette lighter and two rather skinny but high quality joints courtesy of my friend Duncan...these were taken not because I wanted to get stoned but instead as a token, something to offer and share with those I might connect with inside. Mostly this became a small group of drummers/musicians which expanded and shifted as other people joined and left.
At one point two guys with flutes appeared, one standing right next to me. The old Cat would have thought "damn, I wish could be someone with the courage and ability to just improvise like that", the newer Cat thought "argh I really want to ask if I can borrow that and give it a try.." and the Cat I'm becoming/really am spoke up and before I knew it I was holding a flute and tentatively playing some made up music to the rhythmns of the drums. When I stopped, a friendly-bouncer-looking chap I'd encountered a few times in the circle asked me if I would mind playing some more flute for him...turns out his father used to play it and he loves the sound, and also that he is slowly going deaf and it would mean a lot to hear some flute playing. That did it for me! I quietly played some right in his face, and after much thanks I turned back to the drummers and REALLY went for it. I'm not sure if this will ever happen again, it was like one of those moments when you stop thinking about how silly your dance is but just get absorbed by it. I was playing the flute like I do my best massage - from the heart, and fully connected. I swayed and danced as a played, eyes closed, building up the pitch and complexity into the high piercing notes you just can't be subtle about. Expressing myself, the day, the people, everything. When I opened my eyes, one of the drummers had just stopped, and was standing with his arms held wide, gesturing towards me as though he was trying to quiet every one else down a bit..a look of amazement. And when I stopped playing, a girl in the crowd kept shouting "lady!!! keep playing!!". People were DANCING to it! Absolute magic. My flute playing is nothing special, I never even got half way through the "grades" and exams -- but that didn't matter because for those moments it was simply me, and the instrument, and what I could express with that.
The guy who owned the flute eventually came back (he trusted me enough to leave it with me for a while) and then it was over. But my peak moment was when the sun finally broke through some cloud and flooded through gaps of the stones, a cheer went up and at the same time I shifted into upper registers, everything coming together in a moment of celebration.
The cheering and shouting that occasionally rippled across the people was primal and fantastic. By this stage I was sitting on the bouncer-guy's shoulders, and when the cheering went up I let loose and just howled from the pit of my soul, again something I never thought I'd do amongst other people. I stood high on a fallen stone and danced some more, watching as some brilliant fool climbed the big stones, bringing a cheer up from the crowd as he raised his arms to the sun.
I started massaging people's shoulders and heads, passing on a bit of bliss and TOUCH, happy just to be bringing that aspect of me into the circle as well. And then I got right to the centre of it all and danced some more, paying attention to my body, dancing with other women, starting to connect to something primal and raw in me, and the place, and the celebration of the sun. Getting into a more ritualistic head-space where the offered rum and coke became the chalice, where I was drawing up energy and life from the earth and the dancing, and where I needed to kiss someone to bring together and celebrate that union of male and female..it's hard to explain exactly. But a man turned up, and he was old, very old, but there was something of the Mage about him, a sharpness in his eyes and a sense that he was touching on this slightly altered space I was in. I say touching, perhaps fully immersed, for he told me he was an elf and asked me what I was. My ONLY regret for the whole day is that I didn't give him the answer, I lied and said I didn't know yet. The kiss felt symbolic, energetic and amazingly powerful/sensuous/tantric even though it wasn't sexual(?), but then I got the sense he was trying to breathe in my life and at that point I stopped! This IS part of me, dancing on the edges of danger and passion, and then becoming foxy-like and dissapearing amongst the crowds, making my way out of the circle..
This is when I met my friends again, and also a group of Hare Krishna. And yes, I joined in. I had to! I asked one of them what it all meant, and he said it was the vibration of the sound and the mantra - that lifted your soul up to enlightenment. I wouldn't be a Hare Krishna myself, but I can certainly fit that mindset into my views on life, music, passion and dacing. I was pulled into the ring of dancers by a tall guy in new rock boots and a trenchcoat; he seemed to be getting into it as much as I was, adding an element of death metal with some gravelly shouts of Hare Krishna! I spoke to him later and he said he was originally taking the piss but then realised about the shared/encompassing nature of music. Later on a woman in a football shirt joined in too and shouted "come-on-england!" in time with the mantra. Brilliant.
By the time we left, it had turned into a glorious sunny morning, and I became aware of the fact that the fields we had trudged past on the way were full of red poppies! I felt as though I was in a painting. Sitting by the fields muching on breakfast, pretty much everyone I connected to in the circle walked past and said hi to me, or thanks for the flute, and in a few cases "you're great do you want to come back to my party in london/oxford/scotland" :) I hadn't been seeking attention, just simply really being me. And look what happens!
The atmosphere truly was amazing, even if a lot of people were drunk/stoned/high. People were sharing, and laughing, and smiling and saying "happy solstice!" to each other..and that the day turned from clouds to sun really made it feel as though it was all this dancing and joy and madness which CAUSED the sun to come out :)
All this and it wasn't even 9am. I couldn't see how my day was going to get any better, when a gorgeous black and white husky came running over to me and let me pet it. I love huskies.
Massage, dancing, flute playing, laughing, connecting. Yes. I was high on it all for about a week! This time last year, my life looked in pieces, and I'd been struggling for a direction and a way out of my job. A year on, I look at how far I've come and feel proud of myself. And this is just the start.
click for photos of stonehenge solstice!
and just to prove it -me playing the flute :)
