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You Know You Drink Too Much When...
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties.
You have a "happy hour" at home
When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong?
You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land
Although you drove home the other night you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
Your favorite drink is ethanol.
"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!"
"I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender."
You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before
Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while
You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast
You frequently urinate outdoors.
When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't.
You fall asleep taking a dump.
You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.
You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
You find it's easier to study drunk.
You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.
Beer ads make sense.
You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
You mix your cocktails by the litre.
You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss.
When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
"Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
You can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
"Take me drunk, I'm home!"
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
You drink to get over a hangover.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much.
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You Know You're a Pothead When...
You think the song "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.
Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle.
Your bong is taller than your dog.
It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.
You set your wedding date for 4/20.
You take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.
You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.
You start every sentence with - uhhh!.
You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.
You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.
You wear sunglasses at night, and see better.
You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.
Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.
Your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
You sell your car for gas money
You are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, "Is that my cigarette?"
You're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home!
Every cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device....
Just to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone.
Someone has ever come up to you on the street and said "Hi" and you said "Yep."
You thought the ebola virus was a type of weed.
You think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out.
You have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.
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