a decision
A decision is going to be made tonight. I already know what the results are going to be. And I must admit I'm not really surprised. I've been suspecting it all along. I don't really know how to feel about it all besides feeling overwhelmed and crushed and upset and I just want to cry. But I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of crying over him, it feels like my tears are and were for nothing. All of the time and effort that I put into everything, was for nothing. Or at least right now it feels like it was for nothing. My mom said that this is just a chapter in my life that I have to close and move on from. That I'll be over it in a few days. I'm not sure I'll ever truly be over it. He's the first guy that I truly loved with all of my heart. Pure, unconditional love. Right now I can't even think of being with anyone else, the mere thought makes me sick. Maybe I just need some time by myself for a while. Maybe I just need some time to figure out who I am. To figure out what I want out of my life and what I'm capable of doing. I think I'm going to go home tomorrow afternoon. I need to be by myself, to think things through. I just need to be able to go somewhere and just honestly think. And I know the exact place.
My mom said she's going to talk to my dad about getting me "someone to talk to". In other words, a psychologist. I'm not going to fight it. I think I need one right now. I need an unbiased person to talk to, to try and get everything out. And hopefully gain some guidance and if that's not possible, just to be able to get things off my chest.
I know in a while I'll be able to look back on all of this and go "wow, what was I thinking?" but for right now, everything just hurts so badly. I'm just scrambling to find something stable in my life, and the one thing I thought that was my stability, turns out to be the exact opposite. I'm not exactly sure how I let everything go this far. He is my vice. I can't live with him, but it feels like I can't live without him. Why can't I just find a guy that I'm so in love with, it hurts, and that loves me the same way? Is that too much to ask? I've already found the guy that I'm in love with, only he doesn't love me back. I never thought I would be in this situation, but goddamn it hurts like a mother fucker. And I don't want to let go of him. But at the same time, I know I have to. I can't go on living the way I have for the past 2 months. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past two months and I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand how I feel every day. I can't stand who I've become. I feel like I'm constantly depressed and solemn. And I know it's because of him. Everything I've done since I've met him has been for me. I tell him ALL the time that he needs to start doing things for himself instead of constantly doing things for other people. And I think I need to listen to my own advice. I need to do this for me and only me. If he can't see what a great person I am, then that's his loss. If he doesn't want to be with me, again, that's his loss. I'm a great person, and I need to start remembering that. It's just so hard to remember that when I feel inadequate. When I feel like he doesn't want to be with me because of something wrong with me. Like I did something wrong. And I know in the back of my mind that there's nothing wrong with me, I did nothing wrong. But my heart says otherwise. My heart feels like it got torn out of my chest, stomped on with golf shoes, torn to shreds, then stuffed back in my chest. In otherwords, it hurts really bad. And I can't go on with it feeling like that all the time. I just can't. This whole thing is affecting my grades, it's affecting my mind, my wellbeing. I just have no motivation to do anything anymore, and that's dangerous.
Which is why, when tonight's decision is made, regardless of me already knowing the results, I've got to make a decision of my own.