RANTS AND FEELINGS FULLSPEED AHEAD!!
ok this is a rant/feelings...dont like it dont read it....have a nice day
Have you ever felt that people arent happy with you?
Have you ever felt that sometimes loved ones only call or IM or e-mail to bitch you out?
Have you had your life threatened because you were just in an accident and couldnt move your car?
Have you had a random person yell at you for NO reason at all.
Have you felt just completely hurt by any/all of the above
that's how Ive been feeling for oh bout 6+ months, and just hit the prime the past 2 days after my vacation when everyone who could get mad at me was mad at me or still is. Not Todd, he's been great thru this.
I just dont know what the fuck to do anymore. You know I try my best to be everything everyone needs and you know what I just cant do it anymore. The worst thing that could happen to my family about my past has just shot up from the middle of nowhere. I feel like I have let people down. My grandma isnt going to make it thru the end of the year. I have had 3 pets die in 6 months (anyone who knows me knows how I am with animals). I feel lost and outta touch with so many people. And even now in typing this I know someone is going to read this and think "BAM CATIE IS TALKING ABOUT ME WELL IM GONNA TELL HER OFF" or some shit like that. I AM NOT WRITING ABOUT ANYONE SPECIFIC!!! it just seems to me when I THINK IVE FINALLY FINALLY GOT MY LIFE TO WHERE IT SEEMS PERFECT, here comes that iceberg (yes I made a reference to Titanic)!! Its like nothing I do seems good enough. I never have enough money so I can just throw down and go visiting people, I work all the time (now grant it I make more $ then I did last year @ Claires but it still doesnt seem enough). I have had people mad at me because I couldnt make their shows, or visit them. You know the last time I was on Stage was 2 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH!! dont even get me started there!! I feel this overwhelming pressure and want to scream. I never have time to go out, because going out means spending money that I dont have. I get to see my boyfriend once a week if Im lucky (thats only because we work so much no other reason). I am wathcing friend after friend get married and/or having children. So obviously in my past relationships I fucked up somewhere. I feel like whatever I write down in this blog people will comment and say "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "thats not true" or "stop hating" or shit like that. I DONT want anyone to respond to this blog, not if you are going to say shit like that. I know that there are people I can turn to with these thoughts and/or problems but those people have lives too and Im sure that me "whining" about what I CAN NOT FIX is something they dont need in there lives. I just want to sit in my room and SCREAM for like 20 minutes, have a good cry, write the past 6+ months off (not the bf part Todd's been there for me) and start over. I wish I could go back in time to change all the stupid shit. Now I know everyone wishes that but noone and I MEAN NOONE who is a "friend" of this livejournal account knows about my secret past. I have one! But because "in the past" I have "trusted to easily and quickly" I have been stabbed in the back and made fun of like noone would believe. That is why only 6 PEOPLE in this entire world know about my secret. And no it wasnt when I was "attacked (some Zeta Phi sisters know about that)" I got over my fear of that and being afraid to tell anyone years ago. This haunts me and I feel if this thing never happened I would not feel what I have just written above. I feel so stuffed up inside you could serve me for thanksgiving (ok sorry tried to break teh dulldom with a little humor). God I just wish I could go up to every person and say what I need to say WITHOUT getting flack/attidude/snobbery/lieing/backstabbing/cheating/hateful/resentful things back. Also if I am typing what I feel ANYWHERE please dont critisze(sp?) me. I am venting. I dont like confrontation, so instead I write what I feel. IM SORRY if it doenst make your mom's sister's cousin's brother's roomates finace happy, I am not violant or hostile so I just type, dont like what I type dont read it. That is how I get my feelings out. Like in this blog. I miss so many people and ROYALLY GOT FUCKED LAST NEW YEARS EVE!! when I invited certain people back IN OCTOBER (ironically a year ago) to my party, MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE DECIDED TO GO TO A FREAKING PARTY THAT SOMEONE DECIDED TO THROW THE WEEK BEFORE SCHOOL LET OUT FOR THAT SEMESTER (quick interjection my sorority sisters are EXEMPT FROM THIS RANT, as are certain people and you know who you are*the ones who e-mailed me or called me with legit reasons*). THAT IS WHY I HAVENT SPOKEN TO SOME OF YOU BECUASE SOME F*ING FRIENDS YOU ARE!! but I guess I shouldve expected that when that previous spring semester my roomate and sista wanted to throw a bday party for me and no it was too important to have a different type of party!! WTF Im over it. SO if you are out there wondering why I havent talked to you, I dont talk to liars or backstabbers. God I hope I have enough room this is great, I am relieving so much. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME TELL ME IT DOESNT HURT ME ANYMORE IF SO AND SO DOESNT LIKE ME!! If for some reason YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME, CALL ME, E-MAIL ME AND TELL ME! DONT IGNORE ME! IF IVE DONE SOMETHING HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE IT RIGHT IF YOU DONT TELL ME OR TALK TO ME!! dont some of you know how BAD I FEEL because in my eyes Ive let you down some way some how, either in the past or present. Everyone who is on this list I value so much or I wouldnt have added you or aske to be added to your list. How can I fix anything though if you dont talk to me!! Ok I am done ranting/raving/being emotional for right now. Sorry if anyones feelings got hurt but this is MY BLOG and I shouldnt have to be "censored" in what I feel and want to type!
~Peace, Love, and Suger Plums~
Have you ever felt that people arent happy with you?
Have you ever felt that sometimes loved ones only call or IM or e-mail to bitch you out?
Have you had your life threatened because you were just in an accident and couldnt move your car?
Have you had a random person yell at you for NO reason at all.
Have you felt just completely hurt by any/all of the above
that's how Ive been feeling for oh bout 6+ months, and just hit the prime the past 2 days after my vacation when everyone who could get mad at me was mad at me or still is. Not Todd, he's been great thru this.
I just dont know what the fuck to do anymore. You know I try my best to be everything everyone needs and you know what I just cant do it anymore. The worst thing that could happen to my family about my past has just shot up from the middle of nowhere. I feel like I have let people down. My grandma isnt going to make it thru the end of the year. I have had 3 pets die in 6 months (anyone who knows me knows how I am with animals). I feel lost and outta touch with so many people. And even now in typing this I know someone is going to read this and think "BAM CATIE IS TALKING ABOUT ME WELL IM GONNA TELL HER OFF" or some shit like that. I AM NOT WRITING ABOUT ANYONE SPECIFIC!!! it just seems to me when I THINK IVE FINALLY FINALLY GOT MY LIFE TO WHERE IT SEEMS PERFECT, here comes that iceberg (yes I made a reference to Titanic)!! Its like nothing I do seems good enough. I never have enough money so I can just throw down and go visiting people, I work all the time (now grant it I make more $ then I did last year @ Claires but it still doesnt seem enough). I have had people mad at me because I couldnt make their shows, or visit them. You know the last time I was on Stage was 2 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH!! dont even get me started there!! I feel this overwhelming pressure and want to scream. I never have time to go out, because going out means spending money that I dont have. I get to see my boyfriend once a week if Im lucky (thats only because we work so much no other reason). I am wathcing friend after friend get married and/or having children. So obviously in my past relationships I fucked up somewhere. I feel like whatever I write down in this blog people will comment and say "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "thats not true" or "stop hating" or shit like that. I DONT want anyone to respond to this blog, not if you are going to say shit like that. I know that there are people I can turn to with these thoughts and/or problems but those people have lives too and Im sure that me "whining" about what I CAN NOT FIX is something they dont need in there lives. I just want to sit in my room and SCREAM for like 20 minutes, have a good cry, write the past 6+ months off (not the bf part Todd's been there for me) and start over. I wish I could go back in time to change all the stupid shit. Now I know everyone wishes that but noone and I MEAN NOONE who is a "friend" of this livejournal account knows about my secret past. I have one! But because "in the past" I have "trusted to easily and quickly" I have been stabbed in the back and made fun of like noone would believe. That is why only 6 PEOPLE in this entire world know about my secret. And no it wasnt when I was "attacked (some Zeta Phi sisters know about that)" I got over my fear of that and being afraid to tell anyone years ago. This haunts me and I feel if this thing never happened I would not feel what I have just written above. I feel so stuffed up inside you could serve me for thanksgiving (ok sorry tried to break teh dulldom with a little humor). God I just wish I could go up to every person and say what I need to say WITHOUT getting flack/attidude/snobbery/lieing/backstabbing/cheating/hateful/resentful things back. Also if I am typing what I feel ANYWHERE please dont critisze(sp?) me. I am venting. I dont like confrontation, so instead I write what I feel. IM SORRY if it doenst make your mom's sister's cousin's brother's roomates finace happy, I am not violant or hostile so I just type, dont like what I type dont read it. That is how I get my feelings out. Like in this blog. I miss so many people and ROYALLY GOT FUCKED LAST NEW YEARS EVE!! when I invited certain people back IN OCTOBER (ironically a year ago) to my party, MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE DECIDED TO GO TO A FREAKING PARTY THAT SOMEONE DECIDED TO THROW THE WEEK BEFORE SCHOOL LET OUT FOR THAT SEMESTER (quick interjection my sorority sisters are EXEMPT FROM THIS RANT, as are certain people and you know who you are*the ones who e-mailed me or called me with legit reasons*). THAT IS WHY I HAVENT SPOKEN TO SOME OF YOU BECUASE SOME F*ING FRIENDS YOU ARE!! but I guess I shouldve expected that when that previous spring semester my roomate and sista wanted to throw a bday party for me and no it was too important to have a different type of party!! WTF Im over it. SO if you are out there wondering why I havent talked to you, I dont talk to liars or backstabbers. God I hope I have enough room this is great, I am relieving so much. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME TELL ME IT DOESNT HURT ME ANYMORE IF SO AND SO DOESNT LIKE ME!! If for some reason YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME, CALL ME, E-MAIL ME AND TELL ME! DONT IGNORE ME! IF IVE DONE SOMETHING HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE IT RIGHT IF YOU DONT TELL ME OR TALK TO ME!! dont some of you know how BAD I FEEL because in my eyes Ive let you down some way some how, either in the past or present. Everyone who is on this list I value so much or I wouldnt have added you or aske to be added to your list. How can I fix anything though if you dont talk to me!! Ok I am done ranting/raving/being emotional for right now. Sorry if anyones feelings got hurt but this is MY BLOG and I shouldnt have to be "censored" in what I feel and want to type!
~Peace, Love, and Suger Plums~