Back and forth
I am being so harsh with myself right now.
I was dating my best friend, Trevor, and then all of a sudden I decided I "don't like him." That is not what I want though. I want to like him. BUT is that (a) because I DO like him or (b) because I'm just stupidly desperate to have that "perfect" relationship.
If I had known I would be this confused, or that I would end up causing him pain, I would not have started anything. I thought my feelings were real. I worried though, what if this is just a phase? I didn't take it seriously though.
There were some thoughts and emotions I questioned, like how I was so excited to tell everyone. Did I just want to have that label? Also, I've never been that attracted to him until recently. I still feel a little awkward when I think about it being Trevor, but that is only now. When we make out and fool around I don't feel awkward. I can feel a little nervous, but I usually do with guys.
I care about him so much, it makes me feel sooo awful to know I'm hurting him. I don't want to keep going back and forth about it either.
I just want to go back to how I felt about him a couple weeks ago. I was so excited; to see him; to get a text from him. And the week after we first made-out (and I spent the night), I could NOT turn my sex-drive off. It's weird to think that was all fake, or I had just talked myself into it.
In September, I realized I had a crush on him and was considering whether we should date or not. He was, and still is, my favorite person, and I just enjoyed being around him all the time. Isn't that what a boyfriend should be like? I thought I liked him, not just the idea of him. Once again, my feelings have changed. I should have waited a little longer before telling him we should date. I should have waited it out, and saved both of us a lot of pain.
Things changed a lot when we started dating. He stopped joking about marriage, he revealed his anxious, insecure side. My whole perception of Trevor changed, both in good and bad ways. Maybe that is what I don't like, the changes. One thought that I have always had about him is: it would work out so well if I liked him. Everyone always wanted us to date, and I felt like I couldn't see what other people saw.
Either way, we are not dating right now because I cannot handle it. Even with that decision made, I still feel like a wreck.
I was dating my best friend, Trevor, and then all of a sudden I decided I "don't like him." That is not what I want though. I want to like him. BUT is that (a) because I DO like him or (b) because I'm just stupidly desperate to have that "perfect" relationship.
If I had known I would be this confused, or that I would end up causing him pain, I would not have started anything. I thought my feelings were real. I worried though, what if this is just a phase? I didn't take it seriously though.
There were some thoughts and emotions I questioned, like how I was so excited to tell everyone. Did I just want to have that label? Also, I've never been that attracted to him until recently. I still feel a little awkward when I think about it being Trevor, but that is only now. When we make out and fool around I don't feel awkward. I can feel a little nervous, but I usually do with guys.
I care about him so much, it makes me feel sooo awful to know I'm hurting him. I don't want to keep going back and forth about it either.
I just want to go back to how I felt about him a couple weeks ago. I was so excited; to see him; to get a text from him. And the week after we first made-out (and I spent the night), I could NOT turn my sex-drive off. It's weird to think that was all fake, or I had just talked myself into it.
In September, I realized I had a crush on him and was considering whether we should date or not. He was, and still is, my favorite person, and I just enjoyed being around him all the time. Isn't that what a boyfriend should be like? I thought I liked him, not just the idea of him. Once again, my feelings have changed. I should have waited a little longer before telling him we should date. I should have waited it out, and saved both of us a lot of pain.
Things changed a lot when we started dating. He stopped joking about marriage, he revealed his anxious, insecure side. My whole perception of Trevor changed, both in good and bad ways. Maybe that is what I don't like, the changes. One thought that I have always had about him is: it would work out so well if I liked him. Everyone always wanted us to date, and I felt like I couldn't see what other people saw.
Either way, we are not dating right now because I cannot handle it. Even with that decision made, I still feel like a wreck.