Things NO ONE tells you about motherhood and your postpartum body.
Mothers get screwed.
It's fun. For a couple of days.
And yeah, they're cute little creatures. And your hormones ensure that you don't hurt them (the majority of the time, anyways... some people just lose it). Well, eventually those kick in.
But here's the rub. The shit no one tells you.
"It's hard." No fucking way! I'm going to be sleep-deprived and saddled with a small, squalling creature that doesn't come with a manual or any instructions except for "Don't shake your baby and its a girl, so wipe front to back."
Seriously?
They don't tell you that your stretch marks won't be a badge of honor; they'll more than likely cover your belly. And your hips. And even your fucking thighs?! Oh, and they're bright red ("they fade eventually and they're so worth it!"). Never expect to wear a bikini again. The way you feel when you look in the mirror and despise what you see is NOT worth it. I don't care what anyone says. And not only is your beautiful skin FUCKED with angry red marks, it feels different. Like it could just tear apart at any moment or something. It's not smooth anymore, its weird and bumpy and old feeling.
Your coochy will be all jacked up. If you tore, you'll have stitches and true, they'll heal. And true, it's not that big a deal, but what they DON'T tell you is that your clitoris feels all stretched out and will hurt for MONTHS afterwards. Not just 6 weeks. "When you go in for your 6-week visit, you'll be good as new!" Yeah right. I can't even find my vag! It's up and relocated without so much as a notice of termination of lease!
Oh, and that sex will hurt.
They say, "oh you might be dry, especially if you're nursing." They don't tell you that it will be excruciating and that the problem with dryness is NOTHING compared to whateverthehell is going on INSIDE your vagina.
Abs. If you didn't have washboard abs before, expect to have ZERO muscle tone after the kids comes out.
They cry. And they make you miserable. And you can't go out without driving home with a screaming infant in the back seat. Ever.
Oh, and if you're nursing, your nipples will probably bleed. And it will suck for three weeks (not ten days, not two weeks, no. Three fucking weeks.)
And you will resent everyone. You will resent your husband for being able to go to work. You will resent the baby for ruining your relationship with your husband. And your friends. And your parents. And the cat. And the dog. And even the next-door neighbor who can hear your baby crying and now can't stand the sight of you.
You can't clean. You can't cook. You can't even pee without the baby crying. And when they cry because they're tired, its actually too fucking late for them to sleep.
Also, you will NEVER figure your kid out. What worked last night won't work tonight, tomorrow night or ever again. And what works tonight wont either.
Your wrists might hurt. Yeah. You can blame the baby.
You didn't sweat or smell much before the baby came? Well, you'd better go get some prescription deodorant because you will stink now. And your lady parts will smell.
And you won't get to shower everyday. (Okay, they told me that....)
You'll trip over the shit you don't have time to pick up. The stairs will become cluttered with crap that needs to go upstairs, but you won't get to it and then you'll step on it.
Bottles suck to clean. You use them so fast that you have to wash them every night.
Exercise? What?
And did I mention that sex hurts like HELL and there's no fucking reason for it? So then you resent the kid and you hate yourself for not being able to put out for your husband. And then you resent him for wanting you. And then you get frustrated because you want sex just as bad as him. And then you hate yourself even more for being a broke piece of shit.
Yeah. Motherhood is awesome.
It's fun. For a couple of days.
And yeah, they're cute little creatures. And your hormones ensure that you don't hurt them (the majority of the time, anyways... some people just lose it). Well, eventually those kick in.
But here's the rub. The shit no one tells you.
"It's hard." No fucking way! I'm going to be sleep-deprived and saddled with a small, squalling creature that doesn't come with a manual or any instructions except for "Don't shake your baby and its a girl, so wipe front to back."
Seriously?
They don't tell you that your stretch marks won't be a badge of honor; they'll more than likely cover your belly. And your hips. And even your fucking thighs?! Oh, and they're bright red ("they fade eventually and they're so worth it!"). Never expect to wear a bikini again. The way you feel when you look in the mirror and despise what you see is NOT worth it. I don't care what anyone says. And not only is your beautiful skin FUCKED with angry red marks, it feels different. Like it could just tear apart at any moment or something. It's not smooth anymore, its weird and bumpy and old feeling.
Your coochy will be all jacked up. If you tore, you'll have stitches and true, they'll heal. And true, it's not that big a deal, but what they DON'T tell you is that your clitoris feels all stretched out and will hurt for MONTHS afterwards. Not just 6 weeks. "When you go in for your 6-week visit, you'll be good as new!" Yeah right. I can't even find my vag! It's up and relocated without so much as a notice of termination of lease!
Oh, and that sex will hurt.
They say, "oh you might be dry, especially if you're nursing." They don't tell you that it will be excruciating and that the problem with dryness is NOTHING compared to whateverthehell is going on INSIDE your vagina.
Abs. If you didn't have washboard abs before, expect to have ZERO muscle tone after the kids comes out.
They cry. And they make you miserable. And you can't go out without driving home with a screaming infant in the back seat. Ever.
Oh, and if you're nursing, your nipples will probably bleed. And it will suck for three weeks (not ten days, not two weeks, no. Three fucking weeks.)
And you will resent everyone. You will resent your husband for being able to go to work. You will resent the baby for ruining your relationship with your husband. And your friends. And your parents. And the cat. And the dog. And even the next-door neighbor who can hear your baby crying and now can't stand the sight of you.
You can't clean. You can't cook. You can't even pee without the baby crying. And when they cry because they're tired, its actually too fucking late for them to sleep.
Also, you will NEVER figure your kid out. What worked last night won't work tonight, tomorrow night or ever again. And what works tonight wont either.
Your wrists might hurt. Yeah. You can blame the baby.
You didn't sweat or smell much before the baby came? Well, you'd better go get some prescription deodorant because you will stink now. And your lady parts will smell.
And you won't get to shower everyday. (Okay, they told me that....)
You'll trip over the shit you don't have time to pick up. The stairs will become cluttered with crap that needs to go upstairs, but you won't get to it and then you'll step on it.
Bottles suck to clean. You use them so fast that you have to wash them every night.
Exercise? What?
And did I mention that sex hurts like HELL and there's no fucking reason for it? So then you resent the kid and you hate yourself for not being able to put out for your husband. And then you resent him for wanting you. And then you get frustrated because you want sex just as bad as him. And then you hate yourself even more for being a broke piece of shit.
Yeah. Motherhood is awesome.