No idea. Really.
I can't even say how I'm feeling any more. Weird, or maybe like I've broken the translate button in my head. Rowan spent the day out with his friend on that bike - he came in while I was sleeping and asked if I wanted to go and I think I said no, I must have, because when I woke up he'd been gone for an hour or so. There's a feeling I can't shake: something that's screaming the world is ending, but I've never been precognitive, god no, so maybe I'm just being a worry wart?
I think Rowan's fallen in love with his bike-thing. It was all he could talk about, how he ripped around the field and god knows what. He's trying to bully me into going with him tomorrow, after he's finished work but I don't want to. I don't even want to watch. Odd, isn't it? He's been so tired lately, so unhappy. This is making him happy, cheering him up. I want that for him, I do. I just worry. Worryworryworry. I wonder if they'll ever be a time when we finally grow apart, and I wonder if this bike is the start of it? I'm in such a mood about twins, just reading about them, wanting to find something that could explain what I'm feeling, put it into words for me, reassure me that I'm not a freak of nature.
I joined a forum a little while ago, but I think to really fit in you have to be a parent. They all talk about what's the best kind of waterslide to invest in, which stroller has longer lasting power, blahblahblah. There was one topic where the lady was asking what b/g twins are like in their teens, if they get along. It hadn't been updated for ages, and I dearly wanted to post and just talktalktalk about Rowan and I, but how selfish is that? That's why I have this journal, other journals, paper ones. Besides, it's such a generalized question... it depends so much on who they are as people. I wonder if I'd be so close with my brother if I'd gotten some of our mother's backbone, or even just the nerve that the family in general carries.
What would it be like if I'd just been born one, just me? That's such a weird, ugly thought. I can't even imagine it, so maybe I'm never 'supposed to.