thoughts.
i've always wondered what it would be like to be good at something.
like, really good at something - something competitive, something somewhat challenging.
for the past 25 years ... something competitive ... good at it ... it's always been a figment of my imagination.
i come from a family of four siblings - three older sisters and a younger brother.
athletics came naturally to all of them, music came natural to them. it seemed like everything came natural to them.
while i struggled with everything i participated in, everything came natural to them.
and being in line between three older sisters who seemed to excel at everything, and then my younger brother who seemed to pass me up because he was good at everything bothered me. actually, it still bothers me.
i have wanted to find my way, to be like them just in one way - to be good at something, something that they were not.
or rather, something that makes me happy, something that i can say that i am good at, something that i can continue to be good at.
my sisters were all stars in volleyball, basketball, and track.
stephanie was the star setter in volleyball, the star shooter in basketball, and she did well in the middle distances in track.
she was wonderful on the french horn in band, was in choir, and drama.
she currently owns her own marriage and family therapy practice in Maryland.
vanessa was an excellent hitter in volleyball, an excellent point guard in basketball, and she went to the state track meet 2 years in the mile and two mile. she was also in band, drama, and choir.
she currently excels in Mary Kay, adding probably at least $1000 a month to her family's income, working part-time.
amber led her basketball team to the district finals, missing the state tournament by 2 measly points.
she was also wonderful in basketball and track - qualifying for the state tournament in the 4x4 and the mile. she also holds the school record in the one mile at 5:27.6.
she currently owns her own photography studio in west omaha with her husband.
my brother exceled in things needed for video making - he entered competitions in high school and received many awards for his work, along with some friends.
he qualified for the state cross country meet three times, and the state track meet twice - placing 7th at the state cross country meet . i was there to cheer him on. that was a great day.
he has his own video making business - wedding videography and such. and he recently got married to his sweetheart of 2 1/2 years.
actually, today (june 18) is the 1 year anniversary of his proposal, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of them becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. craziness.
i participated in sports in high school, too, but i really wasn't any good.
i was in golf and cheerleading, and then band, choir, and drama.
but i can't say that i went to the state track meet, or state cross country meet, or whatever.
i laugh about it, but in all reality, it still bothers me.
no doubt about it, i am my siblings' biggest fan.
i want them to succeed more than anyone, and i want to see them continue succeeding.
but deep down inside, for the past 25 years, i have longed to be good at something - like they were good at while in high school.
i can't help it that my sisters and brother were good at things, and i struggled.
but it seems like all my life i have been viewed differently by my family, because at the age of 25, i still am absolutely clueless to what my life is going to be like, i am still clueless to where my life is going, what i'll be doing, how successful i will be.
i look at my siblings, and while i am so incredibly proud of them for what they have accomplished, i am so incredibly hurt that i don't have what they have, that i have struggled with everything, that i don't give up easily and have had to push myself.
i think i need to get away ... leave ... the state ... so i'm not around my family members ... seeing my family members pains me, mainly because i compare myself to them all the time, and it drives me nuts. i know that i am not any one of my siblings, but growing up in such a tight-knit family while being the black-sheep is not fun. i know that i should not compare myself, but just once, i want to be good at something, that my family would acknowledge.
i grew up in hickville madison, nebraska (population 2300).
during high school i didn't go out at nights, didn't party, didn't drink, smoke, or any of that stuff.
i didn't even really know what the inside of a bar looked like until the age of 20, when i bartended for my aunt and uncle in another hickville town 20 miles from madison.
and at the time, i was fine with that. i didn't have any problems with how i was raised. and in all reality, i still don't have any problems with it - in that sense. i am thankful that my parents didn't have alcohol in the house, and still don't. i was thankful that my parents didn't frequent the bars at night. in fact, i don't think they ever went to one, except when my uncle's band played at the bar that he owned at the time. and i am perfectly fine with that.
but technically i've been away from home since september of 2000 when i moved to minnesota for school.
i lived at home october 2001-august 2003 before i moved to omaha and while i went to community college in norfolk, but still i was "away from home" because i had graduated from high school.
i moved to omaha in august 2003 to attend school at creighon - a school that my parents made me attend if i wanted a college education.
during that time, i grew - spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. in every which way, i grew.
it was three years of my life that i would definitely not take back due to the amount that i grew.
at the end of my super senior year, my friend introduced me to poker. the game that i teased him about forever that he was so gung-hoe about it. texas hold 'em was everywhere, very popular. i finally broke down, and he taught me how to play.
it was the end of august / the beginning of september that i started playing poker for the fantasy poker leauge, free poker every night. a different location every night. and it started to be fun, started to be something that, at the beginning, i was very lucky at, but something that i wanted to continue learning.
and it was the night of september 4, 2006, the night of my 25th birthday, that he bought me a drink for my birthday. a drink that was three colors - green, blue, and yellow - UV blue and red with red bull. and it was that night that i noticed him - probably in his sweat pants, t-shirt, and boat shoes. haha. i look on that now, and i wonder what i saw. must have been how he interacted with people, how he played poker, how he ... i don't know, but it was definitely NOT his wardrobe. :-P
i think a week later at poker, i wore a skirt and a tanktop, and he noticed me ... he flirted with me, buying me a drink that night also, but i don't remember what that drink. it might have been the same thing, but i don't remember.
since that night, we started hanging out, seeing each other at poker, and talking more. he was honest with me about stuff right off the bat, for which i was grateful.
and then the night of october 13th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. and on this night, i didn't realize how exciting and interesting he would make my life.
i continued to do well at poker. alan taught me more and more about poker, "coaching me" when he thought i needed to be coached, and even when i didn't need it. the longer we hung out together, the more i grew in love with him - i grew in love with the person who i knew was inside of him, the one that wanted to be a better person, but also the one with things that he regrets from his past. i grew in love with someone who would be able to guide me and make me a better. we've been dating for a little over 8 months, and if i could do the past 8 months over again, i think i would. seriously. the last 8 months has been fun, exciting, never a dull moment. and although the past 8 months has caused both alan and i pain and heartache from my family and from each other, the last 8 months has always been wonderful - full of great moments, moments of feeling unconditional love by alan, moments of feeling like i'm the best thing on two feet. and there is absolutely nothing that can take those feelings away.
so alan and i met via the poker table.
and i have learned that the game of poker is exactly like the game of life.
life is difficult, and poker is definitely not as easy as it looks.
but it's a game of chance. asking yourself, "what are my odds of this happening?"
that's what life is ... "what are my odds of this happening?"
sometimes you get screwed in life, and sometimes you get screwed on the poker table.
it's the game of life, and it's the game of poker.
and the more i play poker, the more i learn about what my chances are for things.
and the more i play poker, the more i can that i'm good at something. i found it - that one thing that i can say that i'm good at, the one thing that is competitive, the one thing that makes me happy. and i have craig to thank for it because he introduced me and taught me the basics, and i have alan to thank for it because he helped me and is still helping me to become better. the world's best anything didn't become the best on his own, he had help, and so do i.
the end for now.
:-D
like, really good at something - something competitive, something somewhat challenging.
for the past 25 years ... something competitive ... good at it ... it's always been a figment of my imagination.
i come from a family of four siblings - three older sisters and a younger brother.
athletics came naturally to all of them, music came natural to them. it seemed like everything came natural to them.
while i struggled with everything i participated in, everything came natural to them.
and being in line between three older sisters who seemed to excel at everything, and then my younger brother who seemed to pass me up because he was good at everything bothered me. actually, it still bothers me.
i have wanted to find my way, to be like them just in one way - to be good at something, something that they were not.
or rather, something that makes me happy, something that i can say that i am good at, something that i can continue to be good at.
my sisters were all stars in volleyball, basketball, and track.
stephanie was the star setter in volleyball, the star shooter in basketball, and she did well in the middle distances in track.
she was wonderful on the french horn in band, was in choir, and drama.
she currently owns her own marriage and family therapy practice in Maryland.
vanessa was an excellent hitter in volleyball, an excellent point guard in basketball, and she went to the state track meet 2 years in the mile and two mile. she was also in band, drama, and choir.
she currently excels in Mary Kay, adding probably at least $1000 a month to her family's income, working part-time.
amber led her basketball team to the district finals, missing the state tournament by 2 measly points.
she was also wonderful in basketball and track - qualifying for the state tournament in the 4x4 and the mile. she also holds the school record in the one mile at 5:27.6.
she currently owns her own photography studio in west omaha with her husband.
my brother exceled in things needed for video making - he entered competitions in high school and received many awards for his work, along with some friends.
he qualified for the state cross country meet three times, and the state track meet twice - placing 7th at the state cross country meet . i was there to cheer him on. that was a great day.
he has his own video making business - wedding videography and such. and he recently got married to his sweetheart of 2 1/2 years.
actually, today (june 18) is the 1 year anniversary of his proposal, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of them becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. craziness.
i participated in sports in high school, too, but i really wasn't any good.
i was in golf and cheerleading, and then band, choir, and drama.
but i can't say that i went to the state track meet, or state cross country meet, or whatever.
i laugh about it, but in all reality, it still bothers me.
no doubt about it, i am my siblings' biggest fan.
i want them to succeed more than anyone, and i want to see them continue succeeding.
but deep down inside, for the past 25 years, i have longed to be good at something - like they were good at while in high school.
i can't help it that my sisters and brother were good at things, and i struggled.
but it seems like all my life i have been viewed differently by my family, because at the age of 25, i still am absolutely clueless to what my life is going to be like, i am still clueless to where my life is going, what i'll be doing, how successful i will be.
i look at my siblings, and while i am so incredibly proud of them for what they have accomplished, i am so incredibly hurt that i don't have what they have, that i have struggled with everything, that i don't give up easily and have had to push myself.
i think i need to get away ... leave ... the state ... so i'm not around my family members ... seeing my family members pains me, mainly because i compare myself to them all the time, and it drives me nuts. i know that i am not any one of my siblings, but growing up in such a tight-knit family while being the black-sheep is not fun. i know that i should not compare myself, but just once, i want to be good at something, that my family would acknowledge.
i grew up in hickville madison, nebraska (population 2300).
during high school i didn't go out at nights, didn't party, didn't drink, smoke, or any of that stuff.
i didn't even really know what the inside of a bar looked like until the age of 20, when i bartended for my aunt and uncle in another hickville town 20 miles from madison.
and at the time, i was fine with that. i didn't have any problems with how i was raised. and in all reality, i still don't have any problems with it - in that sense. i am thankful that my parents didn't have alcohol in the house, and still don't. i was thankful that my parents didn't frequent the bars at night. in fact, i don't think they ever went to one, except when my uncle's band played at the bar that he owned at the time. and i am perfectly fine with that.
but technically i've been away from home since september of 2000 when i moved to minnesota for school.
i lived at home october 2001-august 2003 before i moved to omaha and while i went to community college in norfolk, but still i was "away from home" because i had graduated from high school.
i moved to omaha in august 2003 to attend school at creighon - a school that my parents made me attend if i wanted a college education.
during that time, i grew - spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. in every which way, i grew.
it was three years of my life that i would definitely not take back due to the amount that i grew.
at the end of my super senior year, my friend introduced me to poker. the game that i teased him about forever that he was so gung-hoe about it. texas hold 'em was everywhere, very popular. i finally broke down, and he taught me how to play.
it was the end of august / the beginning of september that i started playing poker for the fantasy poker leauge, free poker every night. a different location every night. and it started to be fun, started to be something that, at the beginning, i was very lucky at, but something that i wanted to continue learning.
and it was the night of september 4, 2006, the night of my 25th birthday, that he bought me a drink for my birthday. a drink that was three colors - green, blue, and yellow - UV blue and red with red bull. and it was that night that i noticed him - probably in his sweat pants, t-shirt, and boat shoes. haha. i look on that now, and i wonder what i saw. must have been how he interacted with people, how he played poker, how he ... i don't know, but it was definitely NOT his wardrobe. :-P
i think a week later at poker, i wore a skirt and a tanktop, and he noticed me ... he flirted with me, buying me a drink that night also, but i don't remember what that drink. it might have been the same thing, but i don't remember.
since that night, we started hanging out, seeing each other at poker, and talking more. he was honest with me about stuff right off the bat, for which i was grateful.
and then the night of october 13th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. and on this night, i didn't realize how exciting and interesting he would make my life.
i continued to do well at poker. alan taught me more and more about poker, "coaching me" when he thought i needed to be coached, and even when i didn't need it. the longer we hung out together, the more i grew in love with him - i grew in love with the person who i knew was inside of him, the one that wanted to be a better person, but also the one with things that he regrets from his past. i grew in love with someone who would be able to guide me and make me a better. we've been dating for a little over 8 months, and if i could do the past 8 months over again, i think i would. seriously. the last 8 months has been fun, exciting, never a dull moment. and although the past 8 months has caused both alan and i pain and heartache from my family and from each other, the last 8 months has always been wonderful - full of great moments, moments of feeling unconditional love by alan, moments of feeling like i'm the best thing on two feet. and there is absolutely nothing that can take those feelings away.
so alan and i met via the poker table.
and i have learned that the game of poker is exactly like the game of life.
life is difficult, and poker is definitely not as easy as it looks.
but it's a game of chance. asking yourself, "what are my odds of this happening?"
that's what life is ... "what are my odds of this happening?"
sometimes you get screwed in life, and sometimes you get screwed on the poker table.
it's the game of life, and it's the game of poker.
and the more i play poker, the more i learn about what my chances are for things.
and the more i play poker, the more i can that i'm good at something. i found it - that one thing that i can say that i'm good at, the one thing that is competitive, the one thing that makes me happy. and i have craig to thank for it because he introduced me and taught me the basics, and i have alan to thank for it because he helped me and is still helping me to become better. the world's best anything didn't become the best on his own, he had help, and so do i.
the end for now.
:-D