I can haz mourn- please?
My grandma died on Tuesday morning, May 18th, 2010, and I still haven't really had a chance to mourn.
What I need, and can't seem to get, is some time all by myself to wander aimlessly through a number of stores and pretend to want to buy things. I need to wander through Sephora, stare blankly at the makeup, and spray enough perfume to make it smell like a Bingo hall. I need to take an arm-load of clothing into the Nordstrom dressing room, try it all on, love some of it, but come out pretending I just cannot be satisfied with such rags. I need to pick up Coach purses and place them on my shoulder, then put them back because they're not cute enough (when in reality I can't afford them). I need to watch a movie that could be described as "breezy" without anyone complaining about how awful it is, or asking me questions about the story line because they weren't paying attention.
Every time I try to get some alone time, my plans are always foiled. Tuesday, I told myself, would be different. Allen had Alana. I had a car of my own and a whole day- a weekday- to do what I needed to do to make sense of my situation.
Because grandma died so early in the morning, we all rolled out of bed, unshowered, to go see her after she had passed. Once we had spent sufficient time with her, I went home and showered, preparing for my alone time. After I looked respectable, my parents asked me to go out for lunch with them in Burien. My first instinct was to say "no" but I quickly remembered how nice it was to share a meal with family after my grandpa had died. And Burien, for those of you who aren't from Seattle, is only a few miles from Tukwila, where the mall is.
The mall in Tukwila, Southcenter, is a beast. Newly expanded, it boasts something like 80 billion stores. Since the expansion, parking has become a nightmare so if you want to go, you have to go during odd, non-weekend or evening hours. Because I normally work these hours and have a toddler, I don't get to go to the mall. See how that works?
Back to the story.
I said yes to a free lunch time with my family knowing that I could easily escape to the mall alone after lunch. I planned a trip to ULTA for nail polish, Target for a certain dress, and the mall for whatever I wanted to look at. We met up to eat and all was well... but there was a problem. Of course there was a problem. My dad had to go to work immediately after lunch and dropping my mom off was not an option for him. I could either drive all the way home and drop my mom off and drive back to the mall or take my mom with me. Um, thanks. Both options suck.
I elected to take my mom with me and told her she could go elsewhere while I wandered. She agreed to it until we got to the Southcenter area. "How about... I just stay in the car while you shop. No pressure though, take as much time as you want." Yes, because when someone is waiting for you in your car, you don't feel pressure at all to hurry up. Thanks.
I tried my hand at this "no pressure" thing and stopped at ULTA. I compared mascara, opened about ten bottles of nail polish and dreamt of owning the whole "It's a 10" collection. The whole time I was there, all I could think about was my mom sitting in my car, in the front row of the parking lot, not pressuring me to hurry up. So I left. "I hope you didn't hurry on my behalf," she said to me as I climbed into my car. Of course not. I mumbled something about wanting to go home, but she wanted to stop at Safeway. Sigh.
I don't honestly know when I'll ever get a chance to wander the mall aimlessly, sans toddler, in the middle of the week.
I can haz mourning?
What I need, and can't seem to get, is some time all by myself to wander aimlessly through a number of stores and pretend to want to buy things. I need to wander through Sephora, stare blankly at the makeup, and spray enough perfume to make it smell like a Bingo hall. I need to take an arm-load of clothing into the Nordstrom dressing room, try it all on, love some of it, but come out pretending I just cannot be satisfied with such rags. I need to pick up Coach purses and place them on my shoulder, then put them back because they're not cute enough (when in reality I can't afford them). I need to watch a movie that could be described as "breezy" without anyone complaining about how awful it is, or asking me questions about the story line because they weren't paying attention.
Every time I try to get some alone time, my plans are always foiled. Tuesday, I told myself, would be different. Allen had Alana. I had a car of my own and a whole day- a weekday- to do what I needed to do to make sense of my situation.
Because grandma died so early in the morning, we all rolled out of bed, unshowered, to go see her after she had passed. Once we had spent sufficient time with her, I went home and showered, preparing for my alone time. After I looked respectable, my parents asked me to go out for lunch with them in Burien. My first instinct was to say "no" but I quickly remembered how nice it was to share a meal with family after my grandpa had died. And Burien, for those of you who aren't from Seattle, is only a few miles from Tukwila, where the mall is.
The mall in Tukwila, Southcenter, is a beast. Newly expanded, it boasts something like 80 billion stores. Since the expansion, parking has become a nightmare so if you want to go, you have to go during odd, non-weekend or evening hours. Because I normally work these hours and have a toddler, I don't get to go to the mall. See how that works?
Back to the story.
I said yes to a free lunch time with my family knowing that I could easily escape to the mall alone after lunch. I planned a trip to ULTA for nail polish, Target for a certain dress, and the mall for whatever I wanted to look at. We met up to eat and all was well... but there was a problem. Of course there was a problem. My dad had to go to work immediately after lunch and dropping my mom off was not an option for him. I could either drive all the way home and drop my mom off and drive back to the mall or take my mom with me. Um, thanks. Both options suck.
I elected to take my mom with me and told her she could go elsewhere while I wandered. She agreed to it until we got to the Southcenter area. "How about... I just stay in the car while you shop. No pressure though, take as much time as you want." Yes, because when someone is waiting for you in your car, you don't feel pressure at all to hurry up. Thanks.
I tried my hand at this "no pressure" thing and stopped at ULTA. I compared mascara, opened about ten bottles of nail polish and dreamt of owning the whole "It's a 10" collection. The whole time I was there, all I could think about was my mom sitting in my car, in the front row of the parking lot, not pressuring me to hurry up. So I left. "I hope you didn't hurry on my behalf," she said to me as I climbed into my car. Of course not. I mumbled something about wanting to go home, but she wanted to stop at Safeway. Sigh.
I don't honestly know when I'll ever get a chance to wander the mall aimlessly, sans toddler, in the middle of the week.
I can haz mourning?