An open letter to my mom
Dear Mom,
We get it, it's all about you. We know that because it's always been all about you.
When you go to bed at night, the heat is turned off, because you have a heated blanket and are warm. It doesn't matter if the rest of the house is still awake and cold, you are warm. During the day, the house is warm enough to your liking. It doesn't matter that I'm cold, Allen's cold, Dad's cold, and Alana's hands and feet are cold. It only matters that you are sufficiently warm.
We eat when you want to eat. If the rest of us are hungry and you aren't, we'll wait until you are hungry and we find something to snack on. If you're hungry and the rest of us aren't, we'd still better eat right then! We eat where you want to eat. If the rest of us don't like your choice and decide to go elsewhere, you'll bitch about it the whole time, so it's just easier to do what you want us to do. No majority rules, here.
Today when you asked me to stop taking Alana to the gym daycare because you got a cold from her, I felt like you really pushed me too far. It's not like you volunteered to watch her, you just want Allen and I to work out separately instead. I then explained to you that Allen and I don't get a lot of time together and one things we really enjoy doing together is working out. I explained that if we work out separately, that's an additional 4 or so hours that we could be spending together but aren't. I explained to you that almost all of Alana's social interactions with other babies occur at the gym daycare, and that she needs social interactions. But no, you got one cold from her, and are "miserable" because of it, so we should all change for you, like we always do.
It's fine. You don't have to hold Alana. You don't have to feed her. You don't have to watch her. I *rarely* ask you to watch her or do anything for her, anyways. I've asked you to watch her for my job interview on Monday, because I have no other choice, and for my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, again- because I have no other choice. Other than that, I do my best to ask nothing of you. I hate asking things of you because if it's not exactly what you want, I'm going to have to listen to your bitching for the rest of the day. Believe me, if I had an alternative to asking you for favors, I'd utilize it.
When the dog scratched Alana accidentally, that was, of course, all about you. You were mad because you asked Allen if he would physically hurt Betsy if she were to attack Alana. He answered honestly and as any parent would. You were mad because you thought Allen was going to hurt Betsy over an accident, or just because. Allen's not some psycho- it was an accident, not an attack. He's not Michael Vick- he doesn't go around looking for dogs to maim. But when I told you that, it was still about you. You still wanted to pout and have everyone submit to you, and as a result, the rest of the house was was glum for days. How about this? Train your fucking dog and stop pretending you like hanging out with her so much, when you walk her maybe once a month.
It's all about you, and your wishes, and whatever makes you happy. Forget that your untrained dog is a danger to my daughter, ALLEN MIGHT HURT HER! It's not about Alana, it's about YOU and YOUR dog. Maybe Allen was supposed to lie and tell you he'd give Betsy a treat if she attacked Alana?
I've tried and I've tried to make you happy. It's impossible. I get it, I'm a big fucking burden on you. So is Alana. So is Allen. We're awful people, we never do anything right, when I cook dinner "the corn's not done" and the dishes are never sufficiently clean. We don't want to be your burden any more. We're trying our damndest (how do you spell that?) to move out and get out of your hair. When we do move out, rest assured we won't ask for anything from you. We won't ask you to babysit, we won't ask for anything. We also won't come over, not for a long time, at least.
You've made it hard to establish a relationship with you, for my whole life. I've tried, and failed, and tried, and failed, and it's frustrating. I've given up. You always wanted to be "friends" when we grew up, but friendships are give and take, and about both people, not just one.
I'd love to be able to tell you how I really feel, because it is hurting our relationship, and I don't feel we could ever have a friendship until you become less selfish, but I know you. If I tell you, you'll cry, and get upset, and deny things, and it will become a big deal, and instead of taking it to heart and changing, you'll make it about you again. Dad will do damage control and say "you didn't really mean that, did you?" and to avoid confrontation, as we all do with you, I'll have to lie and say it was in the heat of the moment.
So, back into the cycle we go. I know deep down you're a good woman, you give to others selflessly and we do understand that living here is a burden on you. We're thankful for all that you've done. But, if you ever want to be my friend, you're going to have to do some giving of another kind.
I love you,
Catherine
We get it, it's all about you. We know that because it's always been all about you.
When you go to bed at night, the heat is turned off, because you have a heated blanket and are warm. It doesn't matter if the rest of the house is still awake and cold, you are warm. During the day, the house is warm enough to your liking. It doesn't matter that I'm cold, Allen's cold, Dad's cold, and Alana's hands and feet are cold. It only matters that you are sufficiently warm.
We eat when you want to eat. If the rest of us are hungry and you aren't, we'll wait until you are hungry and we find something to snack on. If you're hungry and the rest of us aren't, we'd still better eat right then! We eat where you want to eat. If the rest of us don't like your choice and decide to go elsewhere, you'll bitch about it the whole time, so it's just easier to do what you want us to do. No majority rules, here.
Today when you asked me to stop taking Alana to the gym daycare because you got a cold from her, I felt like you really pushed me too far. It's not like you volunteered to watch her, you just want Allen and I to work out separately instead. I then explained to you that Allen and I don't get a lot of time together and one things we really enjoy doing together is working out. I explained that if we work out separately, that's an additional 4 or so hours that we could be spending together but aren't. I explained to you that almost all of Alana's social interactions with other babies occur at the gym daycare, and that she needs social interactions. But no, you got one cold from her, and are "miserable" because of it, so we should all change for you, like we always do.
It's fine. You don't have to hold Alana. You don't have to feed her. You don't have to watch her. I *rarely* ask you to watch her or do anything for her, anyways. I've asked you to watch her for my job interview on Monday, because I have no other choice, and for my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, again- because I have no other choice. Other than that, I do my best to ask nothing of you. I hate asking things of you because if it's not exactly what you want, I'm going to have to listen to your bitching for the rest of the day. Believe me, if I had an alternative to asking you for favors, I'd utilize it.
When the dog scratched Alana accidentally, that was, of course, all about you. You were mad because you asked Allen if he would physically hurt Betsy if she were to attack Alana. He answered honestly and as any parent would. You were mad because you thought Allen was going to hurt Betsy over an accident, or just because. Allen's not some psycho- it was an accident, not an attack. He's not Michael Vick- he doesn't go around looking for dogs to maim. But when I told you that, it was still about you. You still wanted to pout and have everyone submit to you, and as a result, the rest of the house was was glum for days. How about this? Train your fucking dog and stop pretending you like hanging out with her so much, when you walk her maybe once a month.
It's all about you, and your wishes, and whatever makes you happy. Forget that your untrained dog is a danger to my daughter, ALLEN MIGHT HURT HER! It's not about Alana, it's about YOU and YOUR dog. Maybe Allen was supposed to lie and tell you he'd give Betsy a treat if she attacked Alana?
I've tried and I've tried to make you happy. It's impossible. I get it, I'm a big fucking burden on you. So is Alana. So is Allen. We're awful people, we never do anything right, when I cook dinner "the corn's not done" and the dishes are never sufficiently clean. We don't want to be your burden any more. We're trying our damndest (how do you spell that?) to move out and get out of your hair. When we do move out, rest assured we won't ask for anything from you. We won't ask you to babysit, we won't ask for anything. We also won't come over, not for a long time, at least.
You've made it hard to establish a relationship with you, for my whole life. I've tried, and failed, and tried, and failed, and it's frustrating. I've given up. You always wanted to be "friends" when we grew up, but friendships are give and take, and about both people, not just one.
I'd love to be able to tell you how I really feel, because it is hurting our relationship, and I don't feel we could ever have a friendship until you become less selfish, but I know you. If I tell you, you'll cry, and get upset, and deny things, and it will become a big deal, and instead of taking it to heart and changing, you'll make it about you again. Dad will do damage control and say "you didn't really mean that, did you?" and to avoid confrontation, as we all do with you, I'll have to lie and say it was in the heat of the moment.
So, back into the cycle we go. I know deep down you're a good woman, you give to others selflessly and we do understand that living here is a burden on you. We're thankful for all that you've done. But, if you ever want to be my friend, you're going to have to do some giving of another kind.
I love you,
Catherine