Not Myself
I'm starting to feel more like myself again. It's amazing the difference in me. As I was driving on Thursday I realized that I am a completely different person than I was and looking back on how I was (thru pictures and memories) it was almost as if that girl I was was a friend of mine, not me. It's a pretty crappy feeling to realize how much of your life and personality have been sucked out of you.
I hardly had enough time, energy and awareness to care for myself let alone other people. I could spot the times that Catherine of the past would have stepped in and tried to help someone or check on them but I just couldn't do it. For so long I wasn't the same person. I have only seen my friends a little bit since I've been here (try Emily's wedding, her Bachette, and one other brief time) and everytime it seemed like they were looking for me to be fun/funny/interesting and I just never had it in me.
I was looking back at pictures and I see this Catherine LAUGHING and having fun and I actually had a moment where I thought that the girl in the pictures looked like a fun girl to be friends with. It was sad when I realized that WAS me.
Little by little I'm regaining my life, my Catherine-ness, my capacity to care about others and myself. A large part of this loss was moving to Yakima, thus losing my friends and family (distance wise, not actually ceasing to be friends), and starting at a place I hated. All I had was Allen. Allen is fabulous, a wonderful husband, but it's hard for a girl to move from somewhere that all of her friends and family are (as well as Nordstrom's, JC Penney, Cathy Jean, Aeropostale, Anchor Blue, Photai, Alki, Matthew's Beach, Greenlake, Krispie Kreme, Zatz, Lincoln Park, 24 Hour Fitness, Jamba Juice, Emerald City Smoothie, Trader Joe's...) to somewhere that only her husband is.
I realized just the other day that it had been a while since I had cut my fingernails. I noticed they were looking like crap. My fingernails ALWAYS look good, so that was a good indicator for me.
This is just kind of a free-write/ramble, I understand it doesn't make a lot of sense. The main idea is I'm starting to free myself from the lame, devoid of personality Catherine that I have turned into, and it feels great.
I hardly had enough time, energy and awareness to care for myself let alone other people. I could spot the times that Catherine of the past would have stepped in and tried to help someone or check on them but I just couldn't do it. For so long I wasn't the same person. I have only seen my friends a little bit since I've been here (try Emily's wedding, her Bachette, and one other brief time) and everytime it seemed like they were looking for me to be fun/funny/interesting and I just never had it in me.
I was looking back at pictures and I see this Catherine LAUGHING and having fun and I actually had a moment where I thought that the girl in the pictures looked like a fun girl to be friends with. It was sad when I realized that WAS me.
Little by little I'm regaining my life, my Catherine-ness, my capacity to care about others and myself. A large part of this loss was moving to Yakima, thus losing my friends and family (distance wise, not actually ceasing to be friends), and starting at a place I hated. All I had was Allen. Allen is fabulous, a wonderful husband, but it's hard for a girl to move from somewhere that all of her friends and family are (as well as Nordstrom's, JC Penney, Cathy Jean, Aeropostale, Anchor Blue, Photai, Alki, Matthew's Beach, Greenlake, Krispie Kreme, Zatz, Lincoln Park, 24 Hour Fitness, Jamba Juice, Emerald City Smoothie, Trader Joe's...) to somewhere that only her husband is.
I realized just the other day that it had been a while since I had cut my fingernails. I noticed they were looking like crap. My fingernails ALWAYS look good, so that was a good indicator for me.
This is just kind of a free-write/ramble, I understand it doesn't make a lot of sense. The main idea is I'm starting to free myself from the lame, devoid of personality Catherine that I have turned into, and it feels great.