holiday bitterness...
maybe its that ive worked most holidays since i chose my profession. maybe its that im jealous that i dont have the opportunity to participate in family time the way joe does. whatever the reason, i cant help but feel bitter when he talks about needing new years eve off and xmas etc etc, and his subsequent negotiations with his boss. being in hospitality, its been drilled into my brain after so many years that a holiday off is something you earn and surely something that everyone else will resent you for when you get it. i managed to fanangle xmas off this year, but surely do not anticipate any other holidays. joe, meanwhile, is making plans to spend the holidays with his many many relatives and definitely didnt ask me if i wanted to join...more assumed that i was going to anyway. im sore for 2 reasons: 1 i will be staying home because ill work at 6am on new years day and 2, i know that if i did go to whatever on new years eve it will be me watching everyone else get drunk and ill be miserable. a few years ago i didnt understand why my friend gina was crying at a mutual friends wedding while her husband and i took shots of 1800...but now i understand all too well. i also understand how it feels to not have anyone else (especially his relatives who are judging me for being standoffish at social gatherings) understand.
i suppose its a really good thing that my family is so far away.
maybe im getting frustrated with being pregnant, what with all the not doing anything i want to do (cough:drinking) and really not going anywhere or doing much of anything at all. every week night i sit at home alone and on our "weekends" (wed/thurs) we usually spend it with his family at their home in NJ. this weekend we get to spend at the apartment though which will be nice. i feel like all this baby stuff ive been getting is starting to pile up around me with nowhere to put it. i need help moving this around. i wish i had more space, or another bedroom, but i guess we arent moving until april. this is stressful in and of itself because i will JUST be coming back from (my unpaid) maternity leave and will have a 3 month old baby. i feel ill be rather useless with the moving. i hope i can count on joe to find us a place and help get us organized. ive trained my brain to not count on anyone though and am perpetually convinced it will all be up to me and i will be going this alone. irrationality rears its ugly head.
maybe im bitter because he never asked me if theres something special he and i might be able to do around any of the holidays, just us. its going to be the last "just us" holiday for a long time and i guess i wish he had made that consideration. new years ever with fondue and movies. or xmas eve at home unwrapping presents. something. i feel like ive been cooped up far too long.
being pregnant is hard today.
i suppose its a really good thing that my family is so far away.
maybe im getting frustrated with being pregnant, what with all the not doing anything i want to do (cough:drinking) and really not going anywhere or doing much of anything at all. every week night i sit at home alone and on our "weekends" (wed/thurs) we usually spend it with his family at their home in NJ. this weekend we get to spend at the apartment though which will be nice. i feel like all this baby stuff ive been getting is starting to pile up around me with nowhere to put it. i need help moving this around. i wish i had more space, or another bedroom, but i guess we arent moving until april. this is stressful in and of itself because i will JUST be coming back from (my unpaid) maternity leave and will have a 3 month old baby. i feel ill be rather useless with the moving. i hope i can count on joe to find us a place and help get us organized. ive trained my brain to not count on anyone though and am perpetually convinced it will all be up to me and i will be going this alone. irrationality rears its ugly head.
maybe im bitter because he never asked me if theres something special he and i might be able to do around any of the holidays, just us. its going to be the last "just us" holiday for a long time and i guess i wish he had made that consideration. new years ever with fondue and movies. or xmas eve at home unwrapping presents. something. i feel like ive been cooped up far too long.
being pregnant is hard today.