money
my parents never taught me to manage money, and while i realize that at some point you just have to step up and take personal responsibility for your actions, that you can't just keep blaming other people, this is s skill that that one doesn't just spontaneously develop although my parents act like it should be. They never taught me to manage money, to save or invest, and yet they are continually disappointed when i struggle with my fiances. Their disappointment is really starting to piss me off. Its been a long damn time since they had to live pay check to pay check, and their laughable advise to "set some money aside each month," just makes that all the more apparent. Even if i denied myself everything, never left the house except to go to school, the amount of money that i could set aside would be so laughably small that the first time my car broke down it would entirely wipe it out. Or maybe not, maybe that's just me being a selfish brat who wants to have her cake and eat it to. I don't know, all i know is that i can't live that way. My mother can't diet very well, and i can't be frugal very well. Its not like i don't try. At the start of each loan cycle I say to myself, "this time i'm going to stick to my budget!" But i never do. And the loans can only stretch so far. And meanwhile i'm amassing some pretty impressive debt. But that's ok, i've got a plan for that. But i have to say that i'm really looking forward (while at the same time terrified out of my mind about) getting a real job. I'm terrified b/c what if i'm bad at it? I have sucked at every real, adult job that I've had except working at Best Buy and that wasn't full time and didn't pay enough to support me. What if i'm bad at being a high school teacher? I'm not worried about the teaching bit, i'm worried about everything else! I mean the getting up at 5am, the politics of teaching in a high school, getting good enough test scores to be left alone so that i can teach how i want to teach. Student who don't give a damn. Classroom management. My anxiety, i'm terrified that my anxiety is going to torpedo me--last night i lay awake freaking out b/c i told a friend that i couldn't make it to a pool party she had invited me to b/c I couldn't afford the gas. I was actually doing the responsible thing for a change, and yet i still freaked the fuck out, worried that i offended her. I HATE that i am like this. And its not going to get any better when i'm faced with a group of disinterested high school kids and their hostile parents. Plus there's getting a job in the first place. That scares me to death b/c i won't be able to build up any type of cushion, maybe over the summer i might be able to, but nothing really significant, and if i can't find a job Stacy's job is not enough to sustain us. I need to stop, i'm making myself /more/ anxious not less. I need to eat something, i haven't eaten yet to day, that might be part of the problem.
Bottom line i am once again trying to psych myself up to stick to my budget, and right now i'm doing it b/c i'm out of money and i don't have any other option than to just sit here at home and not spend money. Where that will go once i /have/ money again is any ones guess.
Bottom line i am once again trying to psych myself up to stick to my budget, and right now i'm doing it b/c i'm out of money and i don't have any other option than to just sit here at home and not spend money. Where that will go once i /have/ money again is any ones guess.