(no subject)
one of my all-time favourites by John Clare, and terribly apt:
"...Time wandering onward keeps its usual pace
As seeming anxious of eternity,
To meet that calm and find a resting place.
E'en the small violet feels a future power
And waits each year renewing blooms to bring,
And surely man is no inferior flower
To die unworthy of a second spring?"
belated birthday brunch today for ltj, my beloved mentee, whom i am very thankful
to have in my life; fate works in beautiful, mysterious ways,
and i am grateful for the opportunity She gives me time and time again
to let the acquaintances from past chapters back into my life,
so that i may know and love them.
i've always believed that our paths will cross for a reason,
and there are always lessons to be learnt from these people who come into my life-
perhaps it is selfish, but especially for those who have taught me
about friendship, love and life, i want so terribly to keep them with me,
and i wish they will never leave...
today, ltj taught me how unfair and unjustified my insecurities and fears were-
i've always known myself that they are irrational, and that i am the only one
who perpetuates my own toxic perceptions and doubts.
but as much as i possibly can, i will endeavour to limit them,
because i know that in letting them affect my behaviour&attitude towards others,
the only injustice and unfairness would be to them because they have done
little or nothing to deserve this.
maybe i will never find the faith or love that im looking for
but ltj is right, time will tell, and fate and love work in deeply inscrutable, magical ways,
so, if i cant put as much faith as i would like in human constancy and people in general,
i should at least put my faith in these higher powers,
that there is a greater plan for me, and it may not necessarily be the one i think i want,
but that any deprivation will be a worthy sacrifice
for the ultimate end that is in store for me.
i will endeavour to be a better, more loving, more understanding person...
but i do feel like it is easier to do so with someone who is physically present
and i feel so frightened and empty when the friends i need aren't physically there?
i wish i didnt have to feel the ache of neediness all the time&i wish i wasn't so insecure,
but these are deep-seated problems that i can't unravel so easily alone
(neither should i put that responsibility to others, i know).
so the best i can do, is still really what i wrote about yesterday--
that which is safest for me.
though the difference is really a slight change in paradigm? maybe?
sigh, idk. it's almost 1am, my banana bread isnt entirely a failure,
i just made too much for the small baking tray so
it wasn't exactly an effortless and smooth experience..
but definitely my first successful one alone. :)
- rainer maria rilke
there is still a backlot of work to be done;
the only success ive met here is with procrastination.
sigh sigh, hopefully i'll be more productive tomorrow...
the xmas lights came up tonight, and i was filled with so much nostalgia
for the past xmases and past years here.
i also felt soo incredibly alone,
watching the gorgeous blue lights light up an empty, vacant street,
from my empty, vacant, cold apartment.
but still, there was simultaneously a part of me that
embraced the present despite the solitude:
i know this is my last year, and i feel so at home here,
and soo safe, and thus i want, more than ever,
to enjoy the present while i still can.