thoughts on the new year
Bless me readers for I have sinned, it has been 346 days since my last blog post.
For ages I posted almost daily and then the break up happened. I went from public blogs to private journals and then some time after the Dingo Divorce, I all but stopped posting. I slipped further into my own head as my life became more challenging. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I stopped writing altogether. The frustration of chemo stealing my vocabulary and limiting my ability to communicate was really more than I could bear. The efforts of trying to put my life into words ended up being long, painful and always ended in tears because I simply could not find the words. Attempts to locate the right words made me lose my train of thought so I found the entire process an exercise in futility. Well, I have had the sinking years and the maintaining years. Now, it is time to start the building years.
I am not one for making noble New Year's resolutions but I do have some goals and a few things I would like to accomplish. A few of those goals are easy, like taking better care of myself. I should exercise more and eat healthier foods. Some of these goals are easier said than done. I want to write more, paint more and create with my hands. It sounds easy but it requires more motivation, less depression and dealing with the anxiety of sharing those creations with the public (which is a requirement when the ultimate goal is to earn a living as a creative human). Finally, there are some things that are not actual goals but more of a decision to be open to the possibilities. I think I might be opening up to the idea of adding to my fantastic family of friends, adding a relationship that is more significant and intimate. I am not looking but it may be time to stop actively avoiding.
In the past four years I have had my heart broken in a way I never imagined possible, I have struggled financially, I have felt my soul smothering, I have had one suicidal moment, I have hated a job, I have lost a job, I have fought breast cancer and I have lost my family home. The upside is that I have deepened and strengthened my friendships, I have learned quite a bit about myself and those around me, I have landed in an amazing home, I have developed new friendships, I have been offered incredible opportunities and I have been on rock star quality adventures.
I guess the point is this: My thoughts on New Year's are not a complicated list of items to be checked off and counted. I want to stop treading water and swim. I need to add more color and light to my life.
One simple thought, "Stop struggling to exist and honestly LIVE a better life".
"May the best of your past be the worst of your future."
Happy New Year & POLO!!!
For ages I posted almost daily and then the break up happened. I went from public blogs to private journals and then some time after the Dingo Divorce, I all but stopped posting. I slipped further into my own head as my life became more challenging. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I stopped writing altogether. The frustration of chemo stealing my vocabulary and limiting my ability to communicate was really more than I could bear. The efforts of trying to put my life into words ended up being long, painful and always ended in tears because I simply could not find the words. Attempts to locate the right words made me lose my train of thought so I found the entire process an exercise in futility. Well, I have had the sinking years and the maintaining years. Now, it is time to start the building years.
I am not one for making noble New Year's resolutions but I do have some goals and a few things I would like to accomplish. A few of those goals are easy, like taking better care of myself. I should exercise more and eat healthier foods. Some of these goals are easier said than done. I want to write more, paint more and create with my hands. It sounds easy but it requires more motivation, less depression and dealing with the anxiety of sharing those creations with the public (which is a requirement when the ultimate goal is to earn a living as a creative human). Finally, there are some things that are not actual goals but more of a decision to be open to the possibilities. I think I might be opening up to the idea of adding to my fantastic family of friends, adding a relationship that is more significant and intimate. I am not looking but it may be time to stop actively avoiding.
In the past four years I have had my heart broken in a way I never imagined possible, I have struggled financially, I have felt my soul smothering, I have had one suicidal moment, I have hated a job, I have lost a job, I have fought breast cancer and I have lost my family home. The upside is that I have deepened and strengthened my friendships, I have learned quite a bit about myself and those around me, I have landed in an amazing home, I have developed new friendships, I have been offered incredible opportunities and I have been on rock star quality adventures.
I guess the point is this: My thoughts on New Year's are not a complicated list of items to be checked off and counted. I want to stop treading water and swim. I need to add more color and light to my life.
One simple thought, "Stop struggling to exist and honestly LIVE a better life".
"May the best of your past be the worst of your future."
Happy New Year & POLO!!!