Lost Summer
hm, if I wasn't so freaked out about finally returning to school, I would probably write some long reflective summer entry. Or maybe if my summer actually had meaning. This has strangely been the most unproductive few months of my life. But at the same time, I know that just because I didn't work this summer, didn't create anything this summer, it doesn't mean I wasn't productive right? I can't even say I've grown this summer. I can't say I've changed. But at the same time I think that in itself means something. I feel much more settled into myself everyday. I am very happy overall, confident in a scared kinnda way. I guess as confident as anyone can be really. Anyone with a lick of sense knows not to get their hopes up too much.
Anyway, it was definitely the summer of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. I had fun this summer, thats for sure, and I really loved. I recharged in a way that nothing else could have allowed me to do. I was really dead at the end of the year, and I need this to really get ready for this year and just give it my all. I am really driven now, in a way that I don't think I have ever been. I won't say I am more motivated, but...moved for different reasons. Don't ask me to define those reasons though.
There is something very important that happened this summer though that I never wrote about. I literally had the most spiritual experience of my life. It was in the beginning of the summer, and I was looking though national geographic, when suddenly I had this rush of emotional and I instantly knew what I had to do with my life--what I was meant to do. I could physically see myself in the future, working, and I just knew. It made everything clear. Anyway, it was then that I knew I had to work with environmental refugees. It all just made sense. I have been obsessed with the environment my whole life, as well as had a huge interest in working with human rights and international politics. People displaced from environmental issues is becoming more and more of a problem, and it is something that I know I need to be involved with. I love to travel and I want to work for the UN, and I just know this is what I will be doing. I can't even describe that feeling I got...being able to see myself in the future. It was like I was being moved in meeting, like god had talked to me, literally. I have taken on quakerism very readily, but I have never really been very religious. And I am not saying this made me religious, I can just say it was a spiritual experience. An epiphany if you will.
Anyway, moving on. The summer is over. Sophomore year shall begin. I am infinitely excited and equally regrettable that i did nothing worthwhile. Anyway, I've also got a new boy in my life. And I like him a lot. Hes very different--I like who I am around him better then with other guys. When I am with him there is nothing I want to change about myself, nothing I hold back, nothing I struggle to change. I am just me, unfiltered in a way I've never been. I've only known him a few months but already he knows more about me then anyone I know. Also, I connected with him quicker then I expected. Just instantly I knew I could say anything and not be judged. I was never afraid. I like it.
I got lost into the woods
I've been covered up in mud
I've been going through a lot
just to find this perfect spot