flying sick
so, I'm sick. I've been sick for about three days. I think the worst is over, but I still feel like utter crap and flying is not going to be fun. I mean, I never enjoy flying, but I enjoy it even less when I'm sick.
For the record, I'm incredibly excited, terrified and sad. I'm excited because, wow! It's happening. It feels like my whole life has led up to this moment, truth be told. I guess it started when I was 12 and was talking on IRC with Europeans all the time. Got obsessed with Norway, and tried to learn Norwegian. My high school didn't offer Norwegian, but it did offer German and well, it seemed a lot more interesting than Spanish (which I took since kindergarten in Miami-Dade) and lot easier than French so I was like, hey, why not. Who knew then how Frau was going to be shape my life? It's been almost five years since I met Oliver, and I don't regret a single moment, but I am definitely terrified. Almost everything I know is here. This is my home, with my dogs and my sister, and my dad.. and recently my aunt. It's one thing to move across the state, accross the country, even. It's another to move off the continent completely, a vast ocean separating us. Several times this week I've cried myself to sleep because while it was quite an easy decision to make on one level, it was the hardest decision I've ever made on another.
and I know I shut down after my mom died, and I locked everyone out. and I'm really sorry about that. and it's been almost two years now but I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, thinking about my mom. and I really missed you guys, because I needed you, but I wouldn't let anyone in, not even Oliver. I wrote a lot of journal entries I never posted. and well, I still don't know how to let go of this pain. and I know this move won't change that. but it's time for this, so I'm doing it. even though seriously I wish I could delay it a day ro two because I'm so damn sick I can hardly go five minutes without coughing violently and being awake for more than a few hours makes me feel feverish and faint and makes my whole body ache. really, I've always got perfect timing with this sickness thing.
and yeah, in case you didn't notice, I couldn't sleep.
For the record, I'm incredibly excited, terrified and sad. I'm excited because, wow! It's happening. It feels like my whole life has led up to this moment, truth be told. I guess it started when I was 12 and was talking on IRC with Europeans all the time. Got obsessed with Norway, and tried to learn Norwegian. My high school didn't offer Norwegian, but it did offer German and well, it seemed a lot more interesting than Spanish (which I took since kindergarten in Miami-Dade) and lot easier than French so I was like, hey, why not. Who knew then how Frau was going to be shape my life? It's been almost five years since I met Oliver, and I don't regret a single moment, but I am definitely terrified. Almost everything I know is here. This is my home, with my dogs and my sister, and my dad.. and recently my aunt. It's one thing to move across the state, accross the country, even. It's another to move off the continent completely, a vast ocean separating us. Several times this week I've cried myself to sleep because while it was quite an easy decision to make on one level, it was the hardest decision I've ever made on another.
and I know I shut down after my mom died, and I locked everyone out. and I'm really sorry about that. and it's been almost two years now but I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, thinking about my mom. and I really missed you guys, because I needed you, but I wouldn't let anyone in, not even Oliver. I wrote a lot of journal entries I never posted. and well, I still don't know how to let go of this pain. and I know this move won't change that. but it's time for this, so I'm doing it. even though seriously I wish I could delay it a day ro two because I'm so damn sick I can hardly go five minutes without coughing violently and being awake for more than a few hours makes me feel feverish and faint and makes my whole body ache. really, I've always got perfect timing with this sickness thing.
and yeah, in case you didn't notice, I couldn't sleep.