(no subject)
my grandma is dying.
after a rebound last week, she started having trouble breathing on wednesday and was rushed to the hospital. efforts to remove the fluid from her lungs have been unsuccessful. she said that, being 84, she doesn't want any extraordinary means to keep her alive as there's nothing more to be done that can make her completely well again. and since my grandpa died back in 1977, she's been saying she can't wait to see him again and give him a kick in the pants for dying young and leaving her with 6 kids to raise. but i digress, anyway i came back down to d-town yesterday morning to see her.
seeing someone you love so pale and hands bruised from IVs and bloodtests hooked up to all those machines is hard. she recognized me and said my name when i came in, i only sat next to her and held her hand for about 2 minutes before i left the room crying, because it was such a shock and so sad to see her so helpless. i spent yesterday at the hospital with her from noon-10pm. she was in and out of lucidity. she could talk but she was hard to understand, i was at least able to tell her i loved her and she was able to say it back to me. it was energy draining and sad, but i was glad to be able to be with her.
side note: on friday, my grandma was in her usual state of floating sleep and semi- consciousness. the nurse had come in for one of the regular vital stats checks and my two aunts were in the room with her.
"How are you doing today?" the nurse asked my grandma.
"i'm talking to God" was my grandma's reply. "He says he has room for me."
"And when you are going to meet Him" one of my aunts asked.
"oh, not today. He says it'll be a couple more days yet before the room's ready." she answered.
so my aunt started crying. my grandma opened her eyes again and asked her why she crying. when my aunt told her what she'd said, my grandma claimed she didn't say anything. the nurse was a little freaked out.
i'm headed back to the cities today, as there's nothing more that i can do here and she's rapidly deterioating and mostly unconcious. also, i was hired under a 6 month probationary period, so i have no vacation time that i can use until july. fortunately, i've got only a day of mandatory training this month so i can probably attend her funeral with my boss's permission (my boss is an understanding nice lady, it's just dealing with trainers that's the pain).
anyhow, watching my grandma in the hospital was one of the saddest thing i have had to deal with in my life. she's in pain and is getting to the point where she can't swallow her pain pills. she was always a strong, sharp-witted character so seeing her sick and helpless and knowing that i can't do anything, is torture. is it rewarding to be able to have the chance to say goodbye?
i'm glad i had that chance, but seeing someone i love in that state was almost unbearable.
after a rebound last week, she started having trouble breathing on wednesday and was rushed to the hospital. efforts to remove the fluid from her lungs have been unsuccessful. she said that, being 84, she doesn't want any extraordinary means to keep her alive as there's nothing more to be done that can make her completely well again. and since my grandpa died back in 1977, she's been saying she can't wait to see him again and give him a kick in the pants for dying young and leaving her with 6 kids to raise. but i digress, anyway i came back down to d-town yesterday morning to see her.
seeing someone you love so pale and hands bruised from IVs and bloodtests hooked up to all those machines is hard. she recognized me and said my name when i came in, i only sat next to her and held her hand for about 2 minutes before i left the room crying, because it was such a shock and so sad to see her so helpless. i spent yesterday at the hospital with her from noon-10pm. she was in and out of lucidity. she could talk but she was hard to understand, i was at least able to tell her i loved her and she was able to say it back to me. it was energy draining and sad, but i was glad to be able to be with her.
side note: on friday, my grandma was in her usual state of floating sleep and semi- consciousness. the nurse had come in for one of the regular vital stats checks and my two aunts were in the room with her.
"How are you doing today?" the nurse asked my grandma.
"i'm talking to God" was my grandma's reply. "He says he has room for me."
"And when you are going to meet Him" one of my aunts asked.
"oh, not today. He says it'll be a couple more days yet before the room's ready." she answered.
so my aunt started crying. my grandma opened her eyes again and asked her why she crying. when my aunt told her what she'd said, my grandma claimed she didn't say anything. the nurse was a little freaked out.
i'm headed back to the cities today, as there's nothing more that i can do here and she's rapidly deterioating and mostly unconcious. also, i was hired under a 6 month probationary period, so i have no vacation time that i can use until july. fortunately, i've got only a day of mandatory training this month so i can probably attend her funeral with my boss's permission (my boss is an understanding nice lady, it's just dealing with trainers that's the pain).
anyhow, watching my grandma in the hospital was one of the saddest thing i have had to deal with in my life. she's in pain and is getting to the point where she can't swallow her pain pills. she was always a strong, sharp-witted character so seeing her sick and helpless and knowing that i can't do anything, is torture. is it rewarding to be able to have the chance to say goodbye?
i'm glad i had that chance, but seeing someone i love in that state was almost unbearable.