Drunk and Lonely
I don't really understand what is wrong with me. Why is it that I'm 33 years old and I don't have any friends and why I'm still single. According to Facebook I have more friends than I can count, but none of them are people iI can call when I am feeling like this. I don't have anyone in my life who is willing to spend more than a few minutes with me.
I think I am a good person. I am kind, I am empathetic, I am honest, I am intelligent, I'm even kind of funny, yet I'm still not someone anyone wants to spend more than a couple minutes with.
I have been single for a couple days more than a year now. He was only single for a couple of months and has had another woman living with him for I'm not really sure how long but it was only a few months after we broke up. I don't understand why he was so mean to me. I don't understand how he went from being someone who was "going to marry me some day" to someone who could say, "I love you but I don't respect you" to someone who can replace me then say I can't take the high road because I was on a dating site while we were still living together (after we had decided he would move out but we wouldn't be officially broken up until he moved out).
It's fucked up. How can someone like him find someone so quickly and yet here I am completely alone a year lately? I really wanted to make things work with him but I couldn't because I couldn't handle being with someone who was so mean to me. Because I do actually have enough self respect to not let myself be treated like that, even if it took me so long to finally see it for what it was.
I feel like I am working so hard to do good for myself. I do yoga all the time, i eat healthy, I try to do things that make me feel healthy, yet I still can't find a job that I can live on (teaching made me miserable, I can't make a living selling insurance), I can't make any friends, and I can't find anyone willing to go on a date with me. What is so terribly wrong with me and how do I fix it? Most of the time I am ok, but sometimes I just get so lonely. I don't want to be this way forever. I like living alone, but I don't want to live alone forever. I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship that's actually right for me, but is there even anyone out there who could possibly be "right" for me? I am not seeing any evidence. I don't understand it. What is it that is so terrible about me? What am I msising? There has to be something.
I think I am a good person. I am kind, I am empathetic, I am honest, I am intelligent, I'm even kind of funny, yet I'm still not someone anyone wants to spend more than a couple minutes with.
I have been single for a couple days more than a year now. He was only single for a couple of months and has had another woman living with him for I'm not really sure how long but it was only a few months after we broke up. I don't understand why he was so mean to me. I don't understand how he went from being someone who was "going to marry me some day" to someone who could say, "I love you but I don't respect you" to someone who can replace me then say I can't take the high road because I was on a dating site while we were still living together (after we had decided he would move out but we wouldn't be officially broken up until he moved out).
It's fucked up. How can someone like him find someone so quickly and yet here I am completely alone a year lately? I really wanted to make things work with him but I couldn't because I couldn't handle being with someone who was so mean to me. Because I do actually have enough self respect to not let myself be treated like that, even if it took me so long to finally see it for what it was.
I feel like I am working so hard to do good for myself. I do yoga all the time, i eat healthy, I try to do things that make me feel healthy, yet I still can't find a job that I can live on (teaching made me miserable, I can't make a living selling insurance), I can't make any friends, and I can't find anyone willing to go on a date with me. What is so terribly wrong with me and how do I fix it? Most of the time I am ok, but sometimes I just get so lonely. I don't want to be this way forever. I like living alone, but I don't want to live alone forever. I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship that's actually right for me, but is there even anyone out there who could possibly be "right" for me? I am not seeing any evidence. I don't understand it. What is it that is so terrible about me? What am I msising? There has to be something.