Rebelling against my upbringing.
Last night, I gave my son a mohawk. He's been begging for it for months, but I've been putting him off. Not because I didn't approve, but because I was afraid that my parents wouldn't approve. Or that his teachers would think badly of me as a parent. But finally, last night, I got out my clippers and did it. Because it occured to me that I don't want to be the type of parents mine were. I want my son to know that I love him no matter who he is or what he does. And you know what? He was so happy. His little face lit up, and he smiled a smile so big I thought my heart was going to burst open from the love in it.
When I was growing up I wanted to dress gothic. I loved to wear dark colors. I was just beginning to study Wicca and I was interested in all things supernatural. I was finding out that's who I was. You know what? It still is. And I'm tired, tired, TIRED of pretending that it's not. I don't ever want to do that to my children. I want them to grow and feel loved no matter what they decide they want to be or who they are. Was some of what I was doing teenage rebellion? Of course it was. I dated guys too old for me. I tried to hide things. I let my grades slide just to make my parents nuts. But was how I dressed really all that important? I was told that wearing dark colors made people believe I was evil. Or that *I* was dark. My mother wanted me to be pretty and popular and have a ton of friends. I had no desire to be part of that crowd.
Even now, I find it hard to wear the clothes I want to wear. Every time I go shopping I hear my mother's voice in my head. I find myself worrying over what other people will think if I wear this or that. I wonder what my kids will think.
But I have a secret. I wore black halloween makeup on my lips at halloween, overlaid by a deep red. I wore a long black velvet dress with bell sleeves. And, other than the fact that it was a touch too tight for my taste, I was incredibly comfortable in it. Probably more than I have been in a long time. I realized that this is why I love halloween - because I can drop my everyday costume and truly be myself.
Well, I'm tired of saving my identity for halloween. I don't want to be myself one day out of the year, I want to be myself every day. What will my kids think? Maybe they'll think that they have a mommy who is comfortable with who she is despite what society thinks. Maybe they'll realize that it's okay to express themselves, whatever that means to them, and their mommy will still love them.
So when I start changing things up, don't be surprised. When I start wearing a little more dark reds and purples and black. When my makeup changes a little. When I start wearing arm warmers when I go out (that I plan to knit myself, btw). When I start carrying my old clunky army bag as my purse again, only with the addition of some buttons, safety pins, and maybe even some gromits. Because at 28 years old, and a marriage and 4 kids after high school I'm finally comfortable with who I've always been. I'm tired of locking myself away. I deserve to love myself for who I am. And I can finally acknowledge that.
When I was growing up I wanted to dress gothic. I loved to wear dark colors. I was just beginning to study Wicca and I was interested in all things supernatural. I was finding out that's who I was. You know what? It still is. And I'm tired, tired, TIRED of pretending that it's not. I don't ever want to do that to my children. I want them to grow and feel loved no matter what they decide they want to be or who they are. Was some of what I was doing teenage rebellion? Of course it was. I dated guys too old for me. I tried to hide things. I let my grades slide just to make my parents nuts. But was how I dressed really all that important? I was told that wearing dark colors made people believe I was evil. Or that *I* was dark. My mother wanted me to be pretty and popular and have a ton of friends. I had no desire to be part of that crowd.
Even now, I find it hard to wear the clothes I want to wear. Every time I go shopping I hear my mother's voice in my head. I find myself worrying over what other people will think if I wear this or that. I wonder what my kids will think.
But I have a secret. I wore black halloween makeup on my lips at halloween, overlaid by a deep red. I wore a long black velvet dress with bell sleeves. And, other than the fact that it was a touch too tight for my taste, I was incredibly comfortable in it. Probably more than I have been in a long time. I realized that this is why I love halloween - because I can drop my everyday costume and truly be myself.
Well, I'm tired of saving my identity for halloween. I don't want to be myself one day out of the year, I want to be myself every day. What will my kids think? Maybe they'll think that they have a mommy who is comfortable with who she is despite what society thinks. Maybe they'll realize that it's okay to express themselves, whatever that means to them, and their mommy will still love them.
So when I start changing things up, don't be surprised. When I start wearing a little more dark reds and purples and black. When my makeup changes a little. When I start wearing arm warmers when I go out (that I plan to knit myself, btw). When I start carrying my old clunky army bag as my purse again, only with the addition of some buttons, safety pins, and maybe even some gromits. Because at 28 years old, and a marriage and 4 kids after high school I'm finally comfortable with who I've always been. I'm tired of locking myself away. I deserve to love myself for who I am. And I can finally acknowledge that.