(no subject)
Today was such a crazy day of varying emotions for me. I feel so tired, and feel like I've been all over the place today. My mind is utterly exhausted.
To begin, I've been homebound with the flu for the past week. Basically ever since last Thursday, until maybe two days ago. Getting out and going to group today was a huge challenge for me. My mind was desperate for excuses not to go. This was one of the hardest outings I've had in the last seven weeks.
But I had to go. I missed my second bus by, literally, one minute. So I had to walk from Yonge over to Trench, to the hospital. I was worried I would be late, but when I got there at around 11:45, the door to our room was still locked. Without really thinking about it, I wandered down to the office and asked if someone could unlock the door for me. It didn't hit me until afterward, that what I'd done was unusual. Then I kind of went, "Wait a minute, what just happened?" This was a big deal for me, and I felt proud.
This was our last day of group; we all go our separate ways now. This group was so good to me, and I'm filled with uncertainty and sadness at its demise. I feel like an orphan. Lost and abandoned. Despite the tools I've been given to cope, all I can feel is loss. I'll probably never see these people again. Michelle helped me a lot, and it makes me sad to know my time with her is over. I hugged her and thanked her before I left, and I shed a few tears as I left the hospital.
Returning to home church after a week off, and still wanting to run back home and hide from the unsafety of the outside world, getting up and leaving the house a second time was nearly as brutal. The Royal Orchard bus was ten minutes late, and I had started to panic, thinking it wasn't coming, I was going to be late or have to miss home church, and I felt mortified that I couldn't contact Bernadette and let her know what happened. I was really freaking out. But the bus finally showed up, and I practiced the breathing we learned and allowed myself to calm down for the rest of the ride. I got to the house right on time, and everyone was excited to see me and asked me how I was feeling. We got underway with our prayers and discussion, and I felt accepted and energized and sort of ridiculous for the nerves that were still settling in my stomach. In spite of them, I felt comfortable and really able to become engaged in the conversation and share my perspectives. In a room of people I'd only met once, twice, or never before, I saw myself amongst friends and I felt safe. Only an anxious person can understand how significant a feeling that is. We speak seriously and intimately with one another; we joke and laugh. It's such an amazing experience, and I'm so blessed to have found them.
After the initial meeting, we celebrated Daniel's birthday with cake and sang him The Birthday Song (which I actually sang, outloud. Not something I could have done seven weeks ago). The cake was a Chinese style cake, with a lot of whipped jello type filling and very little actual cake, and topped off with fresh fruit. I didn't particularly care for it, but the experience of trying something new, on the spot--a repeat of what it was to go out for shabu shabu--was validating and exciting for me. Another private milestone. When it was all over, Winnie and Sirui ended up fighting over who would drive me home and settled it with a game of rock/paper/scissors. It was so much fun and laughter, and anxious me seemed like she's gotten the picture for the moment and moved on. She'll be back. She needs a place to stay.
We also all found out that Tank is getting baptised this Sunday, and we're all really excited to show up to his baptism and share in the experience with him. So on Sunday, we'll be going to church, grabbing lunch as usual, and then heading downtown for his baptism at 2pm. We're so excited for him, and so happy that we can witness this amazing moment in his life.
Yesterday, I suggested that the guild have a day of heroics this weekend, and we settled on Sunday. So that's what I'll be doing when I get home at the end of it all. Can't wait!
What a crazy, crazy day.
To begin, I've been homebound with the flu for the past week. Basically ever since last Thursday, until maybe two days ago. Getting out and going to group today was a huge challenge for me. My mind was desperate for excuses not to go. This was one of the hardest outings I've had in the last seven weeks.
But I had to go. I missed my second bus by, literally, one minute. So I had to walk from Yonge over to Trench, to the hospital. I was worried I would be late, but when I got there at around 11:45, the door to our room was still locked. Without really thinking about it, I wandered down to the office and asked if someone could unlock the door for me. It didn't hit me until afterward, that what I'd done was unusual. Then I kind of went, "Wait a minute, what just happened?" This was a big deal for me, and I felt proud.
This was our last day of group; we all go our separate ways now. This group was so good to me, and I'm filled with uncertainty and sadness at its demise. I feel like an orphan. Lost and abandoned. Despite the tools I've been given to cope, all I can feel is loss. I'll probably never see these people again. Michelle helped me a lot, and it makes me sad to know my time with her is over. I hugged her and thanked her before I left, and I shed a few tears as I left the hospital.
Returning to home church after a week off, and still wanting to run back home and hide from the unsafety of the outside world, getting up and leaving the house a second time was nearly as brutal. The Royal Orchard bus was ten minutes late, and I had started to panic, thinking it wasn't coming, I was going to be late or have to miss home church, and I felt mortified that I couldn't contact Bernadette and let her know what happened. I was really freaking out. But the bus finally showed up, and I practiced the breathing we learned and allowed myself to calm down for the rest of the ride. I got to the house right on time, and everyone was excited to see me and asked me how I was feeling. We got underway with our prayers and discussion, and I felt accepted and energized and sort of ridiculous for the nerves that were still settling in my stomach. In spite of them, I felt comfortable and really able to become engaged in the conversation and share my perspectives. In a room of people I'd only met once, twice, or never before, I saw myself amongst friends and I felt safe. Only an anxious person can understand how significant a feeling that is. We speak seriously and intimately with one another; we joke and laugh. It's such an amazing experience, and I'm so blessed to have found them.
After the initial meeting, we celebrated Daniel's birthday with cake and sang him The Birthday Song (which I actually sang, outloud. Not something I could have done seven weeks ago). The cake was a Chinese style cake, with a lot of whipped jello type filling and very little actual cake, and topped off with fresh fruit. I didn't particularly care for it, but the experience of trying something new, on the spot--a repeat of what it was to go out for shabu shabu--was validating and exciting for me. Another private milestone. When it was all over, Winnie and Sirui ended up fighting over who would drive me home and settled it with a game of rock/paper/scissors. It was so much fun and laughter, and anxious me seemed like she's gotten the picture for the moment and moved on. She'll be back. She needs a place to stay.
We also all found out that Tank is getting baptised this Sunday, and we're all really excited to show up to his baptism and share in the experience with him. So on Sunday, we'll be going to church, grabbing lunch as usual, and then heading downtown for his baptism at 2pm. We're so excited for him, and so happy that we can witness this amazing moment in his life.
Yesterday, I suggested that the guild have a day of heroics this weekend, and we settled on Sunday. So that's what I'll be doing when I get home at the end of it all. Can't wait!
What a crazy, crazy day.