always know if the juice is worth the squeeze
time is not a constant, it shakes and folds and twists.
time is a snake.
the present swallowed by the past.
the future outracing the present.
time has overtaken me :( it's hard to settle between the Waiting Game and the life that i'm supposed to be living. it's been spent in hospitals and crying nights and the days that flow by me unblossoming. then when the nights have gotten heavy and the morning doesnt seem hopeful anymore, i ask myself "why am i still waiting?" "why am i pushing and stealing and crying over this?" but every night i still sit here. waiting. hoping. that tomorrow. will. not. be. like the day before. I've kept my heart closed from everyone. even my parents. they dont know who i am anymore. they dont know whats wrong with me. maybe i dont know whats wrong with me. maybe all i do know is to wait. to be there, hand and foot by his side. going every day to the hospital to see my boyfriend in the condition that he's in. just hoping that that day will be the day that he finally looks at me. straight in the eye and tell me he loves me. it's been so overwhelming to deal with this. it's so hard to go day by day seeing him be a different person every minute of the day. the wrost part about it all is that IM the only person that makes him aggravated. im not allowed to see him for a while because im the reason why he's been so aggravated. but maybe its only because im pushing him. i go to him and lean on him, still not thinking about how he doesnt understand, how he's dealing with his problems. and im being so fucking selfish, making his recovery for him a lot harder than it already is. i guess its fucking hard for me to deal with this. i've never dealt with something like this, ive never been through something sooo seriuos, i never thought i would have to put my life on hold because my boyfriend is going to be in the hospital for like 4 months. and i have to put my relationship on hold for him because i love him so much. now i cant be near him, nor hold him or kiss him, or love him the way i want to. and i guess since he loves me too he's hurting a lot more because he wants to be with me too. it just hurts because he's turning everyone on top of me. maybe its a good thing because our love affects him to much, but sometimes im afriad that its the opposite. and what if i do wait the 4 months and after he gets out he decides he doesnt want to be with me anymore. i need a lot of advice. if anyone has been through something like this, please let me know.
just in case this entry is hard to understand, my boyfriend was in a car accident new year's weekend. a drunk driver hit my boyfriend's car on I 95 on dec. 30, he didnt wake up for 2 weeks, and now he has brain damage. really really bad brain damage. (thats why im having trouble to deal with the emotions and feelings) he's recovering physically, even though it was scary because he had a shattered spine, shattered ankle, broken jaw and he had a concuision. however you spell that.
if anyone knows or has ideas as to what i should do, please let me know, because even if i try to help him and give support, it hurts for the both of us.
time is meant for mending? i dont want to hear that.
i just want my boyfriend back
~N~
time is a snake.
the present swallowed by the past.
the future outracing the present.
time has overtaken me :( it's hard to settle between the Waiting Game and the life that i'm supposed to be living. it's been spent in hospitals and crying nights and the days that flow by me unblossoming. then when the nights have gotten heavy and the morning doesnt seem hopeful anymore, i ask myself "why am i still waiting?" "why am i pushing and stealing and crying over this?" but every night i still sit here. waiting. hoping. that tomorrow. will. not. be. like the day before. I've kept my heart closed from everyone. even my parents. they dont know who i am anymore. they dont know whats wrong with me. maybe i dont know whats wrong with me. maybe all i do know is to wait. to be there, hand and foot by his side. going every day to the hospital to see my boyfriend in the condition that he's in. just hoping that that day will be the day that he finally looks at me. straight in the eye and tell me he loves me. it's been so overwhelming to deal with this. it's so hard to go day by day seeing him be a different person every minute of the day. the wrost part about it all is that IM the only person that makes him aggravated. im not allowed to see him for a while because im the reason why he's been so aggravated. but maybe its only because im pushing him. i go to him and lean on him, still not thinking about how he doesnt understand, how he's dealing with his problems. and im being so fucking selfish, making his recovery for him a lot harder than it already is. i guess its fucking hard for me to deal with this. i've never dealt with something like this, ive never been through something sooo seriuos, i never thought i would have to put my life on hold because my boyfriend is going to be in the hospital for like 4 months. and i have to put my relationship on hold for him because i love him so much. now i cant be near him, nor hold him or kiss him, or love him the way i want to. and i guess since he loves me too he's hurting a lot more because he wants to be with me too. it just hurts because he's turning everyone on top of me. maybe its a good thing because our love affects him to much, but sometimes im afriad that its the opposite. and what if i do wait the 4 months and after he gets out he decides he doesnt want to be with me anymore. i need a lot of advice. if anyone has been through something like this, please let me know.
just in case this entry is hard to understand, my boyfriend was in a car accident new year's weekend. a drunk driver hit my boyfriend's car on I 95 on dec. 30, he didnt wake up for 2 weeks, and now he has brain damage. really really bad brain damage. (thats why im having trouble to deal with the emotions and feelings) he's recovering physically, even though it was scary because he had a shattered spine, shattered ankle, broken jaw and he had a concuision. however you spell that.
if anyone knows or has ideas as to what i should do, please let me know, because even if i try to help him and give support, it hurts for the both of us.
time is meant for mending? i dont want to hear that.
i just want my boyfriend back
~N~