For the words we could not say: Chapter 2. 1944 Summer
For the words we could not say.
Chansoo
Main: Kyungsoo, Chanyeol | Side: Suho, Sehun, Jongin/Kai
Summary:
Tap, pause, tap tap, pause, tap tap tap, pause. It means we will love each other forever, even if we are separated by time and space. We will always have this code, for the words we could not say. (Chanyeol x Kyungsoo / 1934 - 1993)
Chapter 2
Summer 1944
Kyungsoo stood on the second floor balcony and peered at the only asphalt road winding up to the estate. His eyes, still as dark as the midnight sky but clear like mountain spring water, was shielded underneath his hands from the blazing sun, and his plump lips thinned into a line in concentration. It was the day both masters, old and young, returned from their journey to the west, from the ports of Busan. Although Japanese occupations have tightened their controlled over most of the lands and trades in Seoul and Busan, the Park family escaped the fate of many less fortunate Korean businesses; the family was able to capture some over-sea trading opportunities fuelled by the ongoing world wars. The time was not one for great prosperity, but the Park family was doing far better than most. The master of the estate had taken good care of his family in these difficult times and he began training his only son to do the same: carry on the family name and to ensure its prestige will survive the flow of time.
Accompanied by the low rumbling sound of engines, two motor cars appeared steadily over the horizon. Swiftly, Kyungsoo left the balcony and made his way straight downstairs to the butler's office, but first giving one last quick scan over the young master's room to make sure everything was ready for his return. Skipping every other step, the seventeen year-old knocked twice before appearing in front of the head butler, trying to look as calm and composed as possible, despite his excitement.
"Mr. Lim, sir," Kyungsoo called out, his soft voice catching the old butler's attention from the household account book, "they are back. I believe they will be at the gates in no more than 20 minutes."
"Thank you, Kyungsoo." Shutting the account book, the old butler steadied himself against the aged cedar desk as he stood, "Please also inform madam, as well as Mr. Suho, although I suspect he somehow already knows this information. He always has a way of knowing things."
"Yes sir."
Obediently, Kyungsoo went about to completing the tasks he was assigned. Soon, most of the Park household, led by madam of the house and butler Lim, awaited their masters’ return by the front of the mansion. Two black motor cars pulled into the gate and gravels crushed noisily under the tires. As the car came to a full stop, Chanyeol jumped out of the car and embraced his mother.
“Chanyeol, my son!” Mrs. Park exclaimed as she warmly returned his son’s eager hug, “Welcome home, dear. I hope your trip went well and you learned a lot from your Appa?”
“Yes, umma.” Chanyeol pulled back and smiled warmly at his mother. It had been three months since he last saw her and the eighteen year-old missed his mother dearly. Next to the madam, Suho greeted his young master with a bow, looking as emotionless as always. Chanyeol nodded curtly at his caretaker and carefully he scanned among the bustling servants for the person he had missed the most while being away. He spotted Kyungsoo just as the younger man carried his luggage into the house and Chanyeol smiled unconsciously, watching his personal attendant struggle with the multiple boxes and suitcases up the stairs.
“Chanyeol,” Mr. Park called after greeting his wife with a kiss on the cheek, “what are you looking at? Let’s go in.” Leaving the unpacking to the servants, Chanyeol walked into the house with his mother on his arm. Animatedly, he began to retell his experiences in Busan and the family happily made their way to the tea room.
Upstairs, Kyungsoo finally managed to haul all of Chanyeol’s luggage into his room. Wiping the sweat on his forehead, the younger man marvelled at the colourful boxes of various sizes, particularly the large navy blue one that seemed heavier than the rest. Kyungsoo circled the box a couple of times, like a curious cat, before he decided to ask Chanyeol about the box later and began unpacking his young master’s suitcases. For more than a decade, Kyungsoo was Chanyeol’s personal attendant and aside from Suho, he oversaw Chanyeol’s everyday living. As the young master developed suspicion that Suho was spying on him for his father, Kyungsoo became the only one allowed to enter his room: he trusted his best friend with every aspect of his life and Kyungsoo repaid that trust by being the most attentive servant possible for the young master. Kyungsoo was always so attentive and caring, Chanyeol sometimes teased him as being his ‘wife’, much to Kyungsoo’s embarrassment. His face would blush a pretty shade of rose and Chanyeol would jest more with sparkles twinkling in his smoky grey eyes.
Immersed in his tasks, Kyungsoo was unaware when Chaneyol tiptoed into the room. Silently, he snuck behind Kyungsoo and enveloped the latter into a tight squeeze, placing his chin on his friend’s thin shoulder. Startled, Kyungsoo gasped and the white shirt in his hands dropped to the ground. The embrace as so familiar yet so strange; long gone was the innocence of boys and a whiff of ambiguity was in the air.
“Did you miss me?” Chanyeol whispered, his voice husky and deep. Feeling Kyungsoo frozen in his arms, Chanyeol nuzzled affectionately trying to relax his friend, completely ignorant of the opposite effect his action was having. He loved hugging Kyungsoo, not only because of the younger man was smaller in stature and Chanyeol could easily gather him into his arms, but also because of the fuzzy euphoria he always felt when the other was physically close to his heart. Chanyeol was well aware what he felt for his friend was attraction beyond the acceptable boundary of friendship, however he could not help himself; these tabooed feelings were there ever since he first laid eyes on Kyungsoo a decade ago, underneath that old magnolia tree.
“Young master, please,” Kyungsoo replied, trying to sound as calm of possible but the quiver in his voice betrayed his nervousness, “let go of me. This is inappropriate. You’d get scolded by Mr. Suho if he sees us like this.”
“Suho can go shove a piece of coal in his mouth then,” Chanyeol huffed defiantly, “and what did you call me? It doesn’t sound like you really want me to let go.” Chanyeol smirked and swung his body left and right, taking the younger man his arms with him. Over the years, the young master insisted Kyungsoo call him by his first name when they were alone. While Kyungsoo appreciated the sincerity of Chanyeol’s friendship, he also often felt troubled by their closeness. Suho and his mother constantly reminded him of his position: he was only the son of a lowly maid. Because of this acute awareness of his social status, Kyungsoo tried many times to distant himself from his friend, but Chanyeol was stubborn as a mule; he’d lash out at anyone who’d try to separate them. Kyungsoo was his, Chanyeol often stated openly, and he warned of anyone trying to put a stop to their closeness.
Sighing in defeat, Kyungsoo spoke again in a softer tone. “Chanyeol, please let me go. I’d get in trouble if anyone sees.” As if his name was the magic word, Chanyeol loosened his grip. Still encircled in the hug, Kyungsoo turned around to face the taller man, who had a rogue smile plastered on his handsome face. Chanyeol had grown up to be a fine young man with toned, long limbs and a broad set of shoulders, much to Kyungsoo’s envy. His boyish features sharpened and his eyes darkened, losing the silver glints of childhood. The pressure and expectation to become an adequate heir has changed Chanyeol over the years; it dampened his positive disposition and forced a child to become a man much faster than it ought to be. However in Kyungsoo’s eyes, Chanyeol was still that boy with the same bright smile and captivating gaze. Subconsciously, Kyungsoo reached up and affectionately brushed away a loose strand of hair. He had missed him.
Chanyeol naturally leaned into the careful touches and he observed the shorter man lost in thoughts. Eyes that reflected an oncoming storm traced every each of Kyungsoo’s face, over his long lashes and averting eyes, across his rosy cheeks and down to his moist red lips. All of a sudden, Chanyeol felt an uncontrollable urge to capture those lips, and to physically show Kyungsoo just how much he had missed him. Leaning in scandalously close, Chanyeol asked again in a low whisper.
“Did you miss me, Kyungsoo?”
Feeling breath being caught in his throat, Kyungsoo nodded numbly, feeling his cheeks burning like when he got too close to fire. Part of him disliked how flustered Chanyeol always made him feel, but Kyungsoo also secretly relished the pleasure of being intimate with the young master. He knew he should not be having those feelings for another man, especially towards Chanyeol of all people in the Park household, but he loses all rational thoughts when the taller man was close to him.
“I missed you too, Soo, a lot.” Chanyeol confessed, his breathe tickling Kyungsoo’s nose, making the latter scrunch his face and blink rapidly. Taken slightly aback at his friend’s feline-like behaviour, Chanyeol laughed heartily. While away in Busan, Chanyeol’s mind was clustered with the thought of Kyungsoo. ‘Kyungsoo would like this’, ‘Soo would enjoy that’, ‘I wonder if Kyungsoo would like this colour’, Chanyeol constantly thought; he thought he was going to drive himself insane if he returned another day later.
When Chanyeol’s laughter subsided, he locked eyes with Kyungsoo again and this time, both young men gulped, fully aware of the intimate position they were in. However before either party was courageous enough to further push the limit of their physical proximity, a cough was heard from the doorway, and the two youngsters pushed each other away. Kyungsoo fiddled with the shirt he had dropped a moment ago, trying to hang it in the wardrobe with trembling hands, while Chanyeol stretched awkwardly by the window and babbled loudly about the arrival of summer. The tips of his elf-like ears matched lovingly with the red velvet curtains.
Standing at the doorway in a dispassionate manner was Suho.
“Young master, may I advise you to take a shower before supper is served? You must be tired from the long travel.” The butler addressed Chanyeol solemnly, completely overwriting the awkward situation he stumbled upon.
“Yes, yes of course.” Chanyeol replied and without looking at anyone in the eyes, he practically ran into the adjacent bathroom. “Thank you, Suho.”
“You’re very welcome, young master. And Kyungsoo, please fetch the young master a fresh rope from the laundry room.”
“Yes sir.” Kyungsoo bowed and swiftly closed the wardrobe door, just as he heard the bathroom door clicked lock. Ducking his head low and avoiding the piercing gaze from Suho, Kyungsoo made his way out the door, but only to be stopped by the butler’s hand on his arm. Nervously, he looked up and was met with Suho’s stoic face.
“Remember your position Kyungsoo,” Suho stated in a voice icier and more distant than Kyungsoo had ever heard before, “you are only the son of a lowly maid and he is the heir. Don’t, forget that.”
With those words said, Suho departed down the long hallway and Kyungsoo was left to stare blankly at the carpeted floor.
When he returned to the young master’s room again with a fresh robe in hand and a heavy mind, Kyungsoo found Chanyeol on the floor by the large navy box he was previously intrigued with. Water droplets dangling from the tip of his hair, the young master sat cross-legged and shirtless while he fiddled with a weird looking machine. Wordlessly, Kyungsoo draped the robe over Chanyeol’s broad back and allowed himself to be dragged to the floor.
“What is this?” Kyungsoo asked, curiousity finally got the better of him, as he watched Chanyeol carefully placed a black disk inside the wooden casing of the machine.
“It’s a phonograph,” Chanyeol replied, “I got it off an American sailor in Busan. I thought it’d be fun for us to record your singing.”
“My singing?” Kyungsoo asked dubiously, “Why my singing? And what do you mean by record?”
Turning to look at Kyungsoo, Chanyeol explained patiently. “This is a disk record and this is a phonograph. The phonograph is a machine designed to play music stored in black disks like these,” he tapped lightly on the dark, flat circle in the middle of the machine below a thin needle, “and you can also record music on these disks if they are blank. By recording, I mean I want to keep a permanent collection of your voice, so I can listen to it whenever I’d like. You have a lovely voice, Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol smiled lovingly at his friend, but it only caused Kyungsoo to frown.
“Chanyeol, I don’t think this is a good idea.” Kyungsoo said hesitantly, noticing the frown also formingon his friend’s face. “You are the young master and now that we are older, we shouldn’t behave like how we used to as kids anymore. You nee-”
“What did Suho say to you this time?” Chanyeol interrupted, gritting through his teeth. His voice was harsh and rigid.
“What, no. He didn’t say anything to me.” Kyungsoo replied in agitation. “I’m saying this for your own good, and mine. Please, we need to stop… this, whatever this is.” He waved his hands around feeling frustrated. Kyungsoo used to think they were masters and servants, and secretly he thought they were friends as well. But ever since last year, he wasn’t sure what he’d label his relationship with Chanyeol as anymore. They were friends but sometimes intimately more.
“This?” Chanyeol joined in on the pointless hand-waving and his voice rose in volume, “If Suho has something to say about this again, you can tell him to come and talk to me rather than intimate you with his stupid noh mask like face.”
“I said, it’s not Mr. Suho.” Kyungsoo retorted in annoyance, but contrary to Chanyeol, his voice became quieter as he spoke. “I’m just worried, of how others are going to see you because you are close with a servant. I promised Master Park I’d only do things that will be good for you and… I don’t think I am good for you.”
Sighing, Chanyeol grabbed Kyungsoo’s hands in an effort to comfort and to persuade. “You are good for me, I guarantee you that. Without you, I wouldn’t even know how to dress myself and my temperament would be like that of an uncivilized man. So please Soo, let’s not fight about this anymore. Could you please just let me record one song of you?”
Matching eyes with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo realized this conversation had come to an end. He could try and argue with Chanyeol more, but knowing how stubborn the other was, nothing would be resolved today. Looking away, Kyungsoo turned his attention to the supposed phonograph and spoke weakly, fatigue laced in his soft voice.
“What song would it be?”
“Ave Maria, by Bach/Gounod.”
As the sun began to set, Kyungsoo’s gentle voice sounded throughout the eastern quarter of the mansion and the early summer winds carried the melody into the surrounding woodlands. Bittersweet smell of young love was in the air.
---
The songs of cicadas echoed loudly amongst the trees, serenading the summer as well as lamenting the shortness of their lives. Summer was in full swing. The happy season brought along the blazing sun and humid winds, turning the inside of the estate into a sauna by day. Unaffected by the heat, Suho walked into the back garden with a tray of afternoon tea balanced precisely in his gloved hands. He walked in just as Chanyeol threw himself into the bamboo chair and tossed a paint brush into the nearby rinsing glass. Glancing at the half-painted canvas in front of the young master, Suho poured hot water over the Darjeeling tea he had prepared.
“Where is Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol asked while keeping his eyes on the canvas, trying to glare holes through it.
“He is inside doing work, young master.” Suho replied as he handed Chanyeol a tea cup. “How is the painting of Ms. Kim coming along?”
Chanyeol shifted his glare to the butler. “I don’t understand why Umma thinks a painting would be a good gift. I haven’t even met the girl but I already dislike her because I have to draw her from this stupid photograph.” Childishly, he flicked the glass frame on the side table that encased a black and white photo of a young girl in formal evening gown. “I’d much rather draw people in person.” Chanyeol sipped at his tea and commented bitterly.
“Should I let madam know that you’d like to meet Ms. Kim soon then?” Suho followed up.
“What? No!” Chanyeol panicked, almost spitting out his tea. Composing himself quickly, Chanyeol rolled his eyes at Suho. “I am simply implying that I am tired of drawing Ms. Kim now and would like to draw a real person instead.”
“Should I pose for you then?” Suho offered, looking stoic as always.
“No, your facial expression unsettles me. I can’t look at you for long.” Chanyeol waved off Suho’s suggestion without any hesitation. “Please tell Kyungsoo to meet me at the magnolia tree, he can model for me.” Without waiting for a reply, Chanyeol picked up his sketch book and charcoal, and made his way towards his favourite tree.
“Very well, young master.”
Finally reaching the shades offered by the magnolia tree, Chanyeol sprawled himself on the ground and closed his eyes, savouring the coolness of the grass against his warm skin. Sweat covered his forehead and he loosened one more button on his cotton white shirt, revealing the toned chests underneath. Bored, he pondered how Suho was surviving this heat in his butler uniform and gloves. ‘Because he is a devil and he’s used to the heat of hell’s fire.’ He thought, and chuckled lamely at his own joke.
“What’s so funny?” Kyungsoo’s voice sounded above his head and Chanyeol open his eyes. Orbs of silver grey met pools of shiny black. “Mr. Suho said you needed me. What can I do for you, young master?”
“Don’t call me that.” Chanyeol scowled, “I need a sketching model and I do not want to draw Suho. Staring at his emotionless face for more than three seconds will undoubtedly give me to the most horrid nightmares.”
Kyungsoo giggled and Chanyeol also smirked at his own witty remark. It was not that he truly believed Suho was an evil man, but the young master found it hard to trust his butler; the man was too objective and too loyal to the family, but not to him.
“Soo, please go sit by the base of the tree and I will sketch you.” Chanyeol directed his friend as he sat up with the sketch book in one hand. Obediently, Kyungsoo made himself comfortable underneath the tree and Chanyeol quickly fell into concentration. Observing his subject carefully, Chanyeol traced the soft edges of the other’s outline onto the smooth paper. He left the face for last and sketched in magnolia flowers in the leafy tree behind. He had always thought the white flowers were a fair representation of Kyungsoo as a person: purity, endurance, beauty and perfection. Taking great care to try and replicate the face he often saw in his dreams, Chanyeol slowly sketched out Kyungsoo’s handsome features, from his prominent eyebrows down to the set of plump lips.
‘Lips.’ Chanyeol caught himself fixated on this word. He was quickly reminded again of his close encounter with Kyungsoo two weeks ago, when he had just returned from Busan. He could tell that Kyungsoo did not deter his advancement, and gingerly he had been nursing this small flame of hope that the other loved him back. However, he wasn’t sure how to convey his feels without burdening his friend even more. Looking up from his drawing, Chanyeol stared at Kyungsoo, who gazed in a daze at the moving shadows on the grass. Noticing a change in atmosphere, Kyungsoo look straight into Chanyeol’s misty eyes. The rhythm of the cicada songs echoed the sounds of their heartbeats. All of a sudden, the butterflies fluttered in Chanyeol’s stomach and up his spine, giving him shiver as well as a surge of courage. Without thinking twice about the consequences, Chanyeol blurted out loud and clear.
“I love you.”
Kyungsoo gawked and his eyes widened.
“I love you,” Chanyeol repeated, “more than a friend. I want to kiss you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to run away with you. I love you. I am willing to leave behind everything for you. I-”
“Stop.” Kyungsoo gasped, “Stop, you can’t. This is not fair. You’re such a selfish person, Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo said shakily as his voice became progressively angry, and he raised an accusing finger at Chaneyol. “You are the master, so of course you can say whatever you want, but have you thought about me?? No, you can’t dump those feelings on me. Gosh Chanyeol, you are so selfish!”
“Yes, I am selfish. I’ve always been selfish because all I have ever wanted was to keep you to myself and myself only!” The taller man hollered.
“Stop. Please, stop, young master. This is wrong!” Kyungsoo shouted as he abruptly stood up. “The summer heat must have gone to your head. I will go fetch Mr. Suho now.”
However, before Kyungsoo could make away, Chanyeol closed the gap between them in a couple of long strides. Trapping the shorter man against the trunk of the magnolia tree, Chanyeol tried to reason with his friend, fully ignoring Kyungsoo’s struggle against his unyielding holds.
“No, this is not wrong. There is nothing wrong with being in love. Kyungsoo listen to me,” Chanyeol grabbed hold of both of Kyungsoo’s narrow shoulders and gave them a tight squeeze, “Listen to me! It had always been you, and it always will be you! But if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me the same way I do for you, then I will let you go and we will never mention this again. So Doh Kyungsoo, do you not love me?”
Kyungsoo’s eyes darted all over the place as his mind raced at one hundred miles per hour. He knew he was obligated to tell Chanyeol that there was no love on his part, that he should walk away and never to think of his day again. But he could not lie, he didn’t want to lie, and deep down, he craved to love and be loved in return. Fighting against his moral obligations, his duties as a servant of the Park household, his inferiority complex, and his desires for his friend, Kyungsoo’s eyes watered as he shook his head in denial; however, he could not muster the strength to say ‘I do not love you’.
“Did you know what the American sailor said to me when I bought the phonograph?” Chanyeol whispered as he leaned even closer, feeling satisfied at the lack of rejection from the other. Excitement reflected in his smoky eyes as he held his blushing companion in regard.
“Live in the present, he said, live a little.”
Tentatively, Chanyeol pecked Kyungsoo on the lips, lingering for a brief second longer to savour the sweetness of the forbidden fruit. The simple touch released a wave of suppressed emotions in Kyungsoo and Chanyeol’s words swirled heatedly in his racing mind. ‘Live a little’, he thought and when he looked up, he saw nothing but passion and rebellion in Chanyeol’s eyes. In an instant, Kyunsoo gave up his fight against everything and raw desire consumed all rationality. Roughly and without a warning, he grabbed Chanyeol by the jaw and smashed their lips together. Chanyeol eagerly returned the kiss, hungry to conquer and satisfy. Passionately, he crushed his larger frame into Kyungsoo’s slighter one against the magnolia tree. They have opened the Pandora’s Box and there was no more turning back.
In the distance, a pair of eyes watched the embracing lovers. Soon, the eyes diminished into the darkness of the woods and only a hint of Darjeeling lingered in the humid air.
---
The intense summer heat was no match for the escalating heat of young love. For the past two months, whenever there was an opportunity Chanyeol and Kyungsoo hid away from preying eyes. Among the trees, in the shadow of their rooms, or sometimes even in the depth of the family cellar, Chanyeol whispered sweet nothing in his lover’s ears and showered Kyungsoo with fleeting kisses to try and ease the younger man’s anxiety. Kyungsoo thought he was slowly losing his mind; everyday he elevated to heaven then tumbled down to hell. Heaven were the times when he spent close to Chanyeol, feeling the other’s heated skin against his own and soft lips caressing him. All of Kyungsoo’s worries seemed to dissipate in the presence of the taller man, and more and more, Kyungsoo found himself craving Chanyeol’s touches and a glance from those dark stormy eyes to make it through the day. But when you know the sweet taste of heaven, the pain from the depth of hell was even more excruciating. Constantly, he feared someone, especially the Master of the house or Suho, discovering their relationship but the thrill of such tabooed love also satisfied the rebellious side of the seventeen year-old; he knew he should not, but he does not want to stop. On a good day, Kyungsoo was composed, rationale and held his ground again Chanyeol’s incessant needs for affection. However on a bad day, he was moody, jumpy, clingy and also surprisingly daring, much to Chanyeol’s pleasure. Unfortunately for Kyungsoo, more bad days had come to pass than good. Despite Chanyeol’s relentless effort to pacify, every day Kyungsoo lived in a delicate balance of fear and pleasure; he had too much to lose and too little chances for winning. Chanyeol on the other hand was much calmer and he kept his fear at bay. Of course he was also afraid; he was very afraid. However unlike Kyungsoo, he gambled on his position as the heir and the inherent power he had over the household as his lifeline. His ego and naivety fuelled his adolescent recklessness, but he could no longer stop or want to stop, much like Kyungsoo. They both have fallen too deep too fast.
On the night of the last full moon for the season, Chanyeol dragged Kyungsoo to one of the small clearings in the estate woodlands, under the pretence of studying astronomy. Lying side by side on a worn-out wool blanket thoughtfully prepared by Chanyeol, the two young men stared blankly at the luminescing moon in the sky. It was a rare moment of peace and calm.
Wordlessly, Chanyeol placed Kyungsoo’s hand in his larger ones, and he began tapping gently. Tap, pause, tap tap, pause, tap tap tap, pause.
“What is that?” Kyungsoo asked curiously as he tilted his head to look at their joined hands.
“It’s a code” Chanyeol replied, a smug smile on his face.
“What does it mean?”
“It means we will love each other forever.” Chanyeol replied seriously. He looked over at Kyungsoo, hoping his sincerity will reach the latter. Kyungsoo simply smiled sweetly and kissed the back of Chanyeol’s hand. He’d like to believe in forever like Chanyeol, but he already knew that nothing is forever. His appa used to say he’d protect their family forever; Kyungsoo no longer believed in forever.
“What do you think of America?” Kyungsoo asked suddenly, surprising Chanyeol who continued to tap their code in Kyungsoo’s hand.
“It must be a great country I imagine... why do you ask?” Chanyeol spoke carefully, his eyes trained on the other’s profile, unable to read Kyungsoo’s thoughts.
“… No reason. I was just wondering.” Kyungsoo replied lightly and closed his eyes. He fiddled with Chanyeol’s fingers in his hand and wondered about all the ‘what ifs’. What if they were in America, which supposedly was the continent of the free, would they not need to hide their love anymore? What if they were in America, which supposedly was the country of equality, would they still feel suffocated by their social standings? What if they were in America, supposedly the land of opportunities, would they be happier? Kyungsoo didn’t know but he sure liked to dream.
“Let’s go back” Chanyeol broke the silence as he eyed the dark, rumbling clouds rolling towards the moon, “It looks like a storm is coming.”
Packing up, the two young made strolled back to the mansion hand-in-hand.
When Kyungsoo returned to his room, he was unpleasantly surprised to find Suho sitting by his desk. Quickly locking the door behind him, the young man bowed at the butler while his mind freaked out at the sudden visit. Suho regarded the bowing youngster for a few second before ordering him to sit down. Cautiously, Kyungsoo sat by the edge of his bed, averting the butler’s observant gaze. Finally, Suho spoke up following a deep sigh, his voice unusually kind.
“Please relax yourself, Kyungsoo, I am not here to scold you.”
“Yes sir.” Kyungsoo replied hesitantly, but his shoulders visible relaxed a little, catching the gentle tone in his superior’s voice.
“Do you know why I am here?”
“No sir.”
“No, of course you don’t.” Suho mumbled and slowly, he touched his thumbs together over and over again deep in thoughts. Silence filled the room again and finally, Kyungsoo raised his eyes to observe the butler warily. Something about Suho was different. His usual icy composure seemed to have thaw out a little and it was a rare sight to see him not being as still as a statue. Gulping, Kyungsoo nervously await for what was next to come.
“Did you know I used to work for another household before the Parks?” Suho said suddenly and Kyungsoo jolted slightly from where he was sitting.
“N-No sir.”
“Well, I did, for the Hwang family out in Busan.” The butler explained awkwardly, “They were a great family, very dignified, just like the Parks of course.”
Kyungsoo nodded. He was extremely confused where this conversation was going, but he was also too afraid of the man in front to interject. Ignorant of Kyungsoo’s internal turmoil, Suho continued.
“I started working for them in pretty much the same way as how you started working for the Parks, you know.” He said, sharp eyes looking straight at Kyungsoo, startling the younger man again. “My father died when I was seven and that same year, my mother was hired as a maid at the Hwang family and I was told to be a playmate for the two Hwang children. The young master was three years older than me and the little lady was just one year younger. We got along really well. They never really cared that I was a servant’s son and treated me like their sibling. I was so grateful so I tried to protect them like my family too, especially the little lady. But in the end, I was still just a servant’s son.”
The butler’s eyes lost focus as he reminisced about his youth, and a hint of sadness was in his voice.
“When I was your age, seventeen, I fell in love with the little lady. She was such a wonderful girl, with the brightest eyes like stars in the sky, and her smile was brighter than the sun. God forbid, she also fell in love with me. Me, Kyungsoo, she fell in love with a servant’s son!” Suho exclaimed slightly maniacally, pointing his finger towards his chest. Once again, Kyungsoo nodded, but this time with a tiny frown. The purpose of this conversation was revealing itself and a sickening feeling swirled around in his already jittery stomach. He could not avoid what was to come, but it came much sooner than he had anticipated.
“So, as foolish as we were at that young age, we decided to elope. We thought if we had each other’s love that would be enough. We promised we’d love each other forever, but what did a seventeen year-old and a sixteen year-old knew about love?” Suho scoffed bitterly, “We were so naïve, we completely underestimated the power of the Hwang family. On the night of our elopement, before we could even leave the estate ground, we were captured. The little lady was taken back into the house while men dragged me off to the cellars. I was tortured, punished and kicked out. Somehow, I managed to survive…”
The butler paused, avoiding Kyungsoo’s sympathetic gaze. Shortly, he continued with weariness in his voice.
“Mr. Park was kind enough to give me a job as the young master’s butler and guardian, so I cannot allow him to make a similar mistake. Nor you, Kyungsoo.” Suho looked up, meeting the young man’s gaze and worry was reflected in his normally cold eyes. Kyungsoo froze from feeling surprised at the butler’s open display of emotion, as well as what he was being told. “I am sure what you two feel towards each other is genuine, I was young and there before, so I can relate. However, you cannot deny that what you have with young master Chanyeol will never be accepted by anybody because of your social status and most importantly, your gender. If I couldn’t work out with the little lady, how could two men such as yourself and young master Chanyeol have a future together at all?”
Standing from his seat, Suho walked over to the crestfallen Kyungsoo. “It’s time to grow up, boy, and leave the childish dreams behind,” he said, giving a couple of pats on the young man’s slouched back. “Let him go, before it destroys the both of you. I am saying this for his and your good. Let it go, Kyungsoo. You will be glad you cut short the pain now.”
Giving Kyungsoo’s back another pat, Suho made his way to the door. Just as his hand turned to unlock the door, Kyungsoo’s question stopped him.
“What happened to the little lady, Mr. Suho?”
“She continued on with her life of course." Suho replied, his tone calm and even.
"I actually saw her on the street of Seoul last year.” He continued and when he turned around, Kyungsoo was greeted with the same stoic face and cold eyes, “Our eyes met and she looked away. She pretended to not know me at all.”
Giving Kyungsoo another meaningful look, the butler shut teh door with a click and Kyungsoo was let alone to his thoughts.
"Good night, Kyungsoo."
Thunder rumbled angrily above the estate and multiple lightning struck nearby, including one of the tall fir trees in the backyard. Wild winds stripped the mansion’s electricity supply and the sounds of chaos echoed throughout the house. In a daze, Kyungsoo sat limply in the darkness of his room. From his little window, he watched as fire mercilessly burnt down the fir tree, quickly diminishing the plant to a mere pile of ash.
---
The storm raged on for an entire week. Torrential rain fell day and night, washing away the earth and taking lives along. It was all hands on deck at the estate and each person, masters or servants, were constantly occupied with endless jobs to be done. Kyungsoo was glad for the overwhelming amount of work he received; it distracted him from thinking and it also gave him an excuse not to see Chanyeol. Since his visit from Suho, Kyungsoo wasn’t sure how to face Chanyeol anymore. He knew he had to be the one to end everything because Chanyeol never will, but he couldn’t bear the thought of breaking his lover’s heart. He also didn’t have the courage to destroy his own heart, to rip it out and shred it to pieces with all the desires he felt for Chanyeol. But that was the right thing to do, he told himself over and over again every day and every night; it was the right thing to do and it was the only thing he could do. He decided that when he came face to face with Chanyeol next, he will end everything once and for all.
However unknowing to Kyungsoo, other schemes were already in motion and his destiny was never his own choosing.
The master of the estate summoned Kyungsoo into his office on a dark afternoon. The rain continued to pour outside and only a single lamp was lit in the office, giving the room a mysterious and sinister undertone. Mr. Park paced in front of the large bay window and puffed on his pipe. Rigidly, Kyungsoo stood in the middle of the large study. The same sickening feeling he felt at the onset of the storm returned to the pit of his stomach.
“Kyungsoo,” the master began in his low raspy voice, still facing away from the young man, “I want you to know that I always saw you like a son of mine. I admire how calm and collected you are for a young man of your age, and your dedication to this family and Chanyeol cannot be overlooked.”
“Thank you, Master Park. Your words are too kind.” Kyungsoo replied softly and he bowed, watching as the master’s feet inched toward him from the window.
“So I think a promotion is in order. As you may or may not know, the Park family has recently acquired a few tenants in Busan and I believe you are now old enough to help out with the family business. One of the new tenants’ business holds a lot of promise, but unfortunately he is getting old and he only has a daughter of sixteen. So I’d really appreciated it if you could go to Busan to marry his daughter, as well as take over the business. She’s a lovely young lady and just at the right age for plucking.”
Gently, the master of the estate raised Kyungsoo from his bowing position, and eyes that reflected the raging storm outside peered into the young man’s wide and surprised eyes.
“You have served Chanyeol well,” the master emphasized as he gave Kyungsoo’s thin shoulders a hard squeeze, “but it is time for you to move on to other things.”
The master’s words hit Kyungsoo like a thousand tonne of bricks. ‘He knew.’ Kyungsoo thought hopelessly and the sickening feeling sank deeper. A shaky breath escaped his dry lips as he felt intense pain on his shoulders. He dared not too look away.
“And don’t worry about your mother,” the master continued in a casual tone, “I will make sure she is taken care of in the absence of both you and your brother. You will be doing the family a great service and both Chanyeol and I will be very grateful. Do you have any other concerns?”
“W-when do I have to depart?” Kyungsoo asked quietly, trying to sound as composed as he could muster.
“As soon as the train schedule allows, really,” Master Park replied as he turned his back on Kyungsoo again, returning to the bay window. “So, first thing tomorrow.”
---
Hours later when Chanyeol returned from his trip to the nearby village, surveying the damage on the family tenants’ land on his father’s behalf, he was unexpectedly welcomed by an anxious Suho. It was rare to see the butler in such state. Brushing rain droplets from his overcoat, Chanyeol questioned his butler half curious and half worried.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asked, “And have you seen Kyungsoo lately? I think he has been avoiding me.”
“I am well, young master. But Kyungsoo…” Suho hesitated as he took the coat from Chanyeol.
“What’s the matter with Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol inquired, his voice low and his grey eyes flashed dangerously. Sighing feebly, the butler informed his young master of Kyungsoo’s fate.
Moments later, Chanyeol crashed into his father’s office like a rampant bull and Suho trailed closely behind. Furiously, he slammed his fists down on the ebony desk.
“How could you??” Chanyeol bellowed, “How could you send him away?? Without my consent too! He is my person!”
“He is a servant of the Park household.” Mr. Park corrected his son lightly without bothering to look up from his paperwork. “I didn’t realize the master needed someone else’s permission to order his own staff now. And anyway, I didn’t send him away as you have implied. He agreed to go by himself.”
“You’re lying,” Chanyeol growled, gritting through his teeth. “Kyungsoo wouldn’t leave this house on his own. You made him leave.”
In the back of the room, Suho watched nervously. He prayed that the young master would not act too rashly, for both his own and for Kyungsoo’s sake.
Finally, Mr. Park looked up and regarded his seething son sincerely. “I am not lying. You can ask him yourself. Suho, please go fetch Kyungsoo.” With a wave of his hand, Suho rushed off to call on Kyungsoo while the master returned once again to his paperwork.
Soon, the butler returned with an impassive Kyungsoo. The young man bowed politely at the master and young master.
“Good evening.” Kyungsoo greeted, his voice soft but flat, “What did you require from me, Master Park?”
“You’re not leaving for Busan, are you?” Chanyeol interjected impatiently before his father could speak. “Please tell me you didn’t agree to go to Busan, Kyungsoo. You wouldn’t!”
Averting Chanyeol’s heated gaze, Kyungsoo kept his head low and replied without hesitation. “Yes, I agreed to go to Busan, for the Park family. I will serve you from afar in the future, young master Chanyeol. Please wish me luck.”
Visibly shocked, Chanyeol leaned against the ebony desk for support. He felt betrayed and deceived; he wanted to think Kyungsoo was lying and that all of it was simply a nightmare. Behind him, Mr. Park nodded in approval and with another wave of his hand, Kyungsoo was dismissed. When Chanyeol came to his senses again, he realized Kyungsoo was no longer in the room and without another thought, he dashed for the door. ‘He didn’t look me in the eyes,’ Chanyeol thought frantically, ‘Kyungsoo was lying because he couldn’t look me in the eyes.’ However, a strong grip around his wrist stopped him in his track. Before he could protest the hold, Chanyeol felt an impact on his right cheek and his skin burnt like it was stung by thousands of tiny needles.
“Stop embarrassing yourself and the family.” The master commanded darkly as his son gaped at him in disbelief. “I know what you were up to with that boy and I have tolerated long enough! It’s time to grow up, son.”
Tossing Chanyeol’s arm roughly away, Mr. Park went back to his seat behind the ebony desk and lit up his pipe. He drew a long draft from the pipe and exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself again. Sternly, he reminded Chanyeol.
“You’re the heir to the Park family, Chanyeol, and that means your life is not only yours. You will never forget that again for as long as you live.”
Resentfully, Chanyeol glared at his father one last time, and left the office in the same manner he had entered. Feeling exhausted, the master sighed and rubbed his temples. “Keep an eye on him.” He ordered Suho and the butler bowed in compliance. Quietly, Suho closed the office door behind him and set out to find Chanyeol.
The said young master charged through the mansion in an outrage and all the servants cleared away in fear as he made his way down the servants’ corridor. At the end of the hallway, he stopped in front of the blue door he was so familiar with and just as he was about to kick down the door, he heard a quiet whimpering cry from inside. Gradually, the whimper escalated to a series of muffled, choking sobs. Inside the small room, Kyungsoo was the picture of grief and devastation. His hands clamped tightly over his mouth as he sobbed uncontrollably, and his back leaned against the door for support to remain upright. Unaware of his visitor on the other side, Kyungsoo wept in sorrow and his body shook with inarticulate pain. His heart felt like it was shredded, lacerated, stabbed multiple times then burned to ash; it hurt so much he couldn’t breathe. Releasing his hands from his mouth, Kyungsoo gasped loudly for air and fell into a coughing fit. As his breathing slowed, tear returned and fell like unbroken strings of pearls. Grasping his shirt tightly at the chest, Kyungsoo choked back more heartbreaking sobs.
Outside in the hallway, Suho arrived to find Chanyeol kneeling in front of Kyungsoo’s door with his head cradled in his hands. Tears dripped from between his long fingers onto the ground and his hunched shoulders shook violently with grief. Silently, Chanyeol wept. He wept because he was heartbroken and he wept because he felt powerless; he felt pathetic, useless, hopeless and above all, he felt helpless. There was nothing he could do to alter the situation and he resented his family, his father, but most of all, he resented himself, of how naïve and callow he was. Listening to the pitter-patter sound of the rain and Kyungsoo’s muffled cries, Chanyeol felt ashamed. He was just a boy and a wistful dreamer; he does not even have the power to protect the one he loved.
That night, as the storm released the last of its wrath, Kyungsoo slipped into Chanyeol’s bed in the dark. Wordless, they made love for the first and last time. Chanyeol caressed every inch of his lover’s porcelain skin and his fingers traced every line, wordlessly apologizing for all that he was not and could not do. In response, Kyungsoo nibbled and clawed, leaving behind red marks and scratches, aggressively showing his grudge towards the unfairness of the world. Holding each other tightly, they took turns tapping their love code on each other’s back until they both drifted off to sleep. Tap, pause, tap tap, pause, tap tap tap, pause.
In his dream, Chanyeol saw the magnolia tree in springtime, when the white flowers bloomed in full and its sweet scent drifted in the wind. Underneath the tree, a small boy dressed a discoloured brown jacket and a pair of black trousers waved happily at him. The boy’s eyes were clear and bright, like the midnight sky, and his laughter crisp like bells. Chanyeol gave the boy a big hug and he whispered ‘I love you.’ Looking straight back at him, he boys also whispered ‘I love you too, always.’ A single tear slid from the corner of Chanyeol’s eyes. If only dreams never end.
---
[1 year later - 1945 Summer]
Suho glanced at his young master through the back view mirror as he instructed the driver of the direction from the passenger’s seat. Chanyeol idly watched the people in the streets. The butler was accompanying his young master on a business trip in Busan.
Since Kyungsoo’s departure a year ago, Chanyeol seemed to have matured overnight. He sealed away his rash anger and impulses, and he became calmer and more composed. The master and madam thought their heir had finally “seen the light”, but Suho knew otherwise. He could tell that something had died inside Chanyeol’s heart and the light that used to illuminate the youth’s passion for life was extinguished. Suho thought Chanyeol would have reacted more when he was informed by his father about the trip to Busan, but the young man simply acknowledge it without a ripple of emotions in his ashen grey eyes.
When the car passed through a busy market, it slowed down enough for Chanyeol to observe the crowd more carefully. He watched as a young couple bargained with the seller at a fruit stand. The young man’s face was stoic and Chanyeol thought his profile looked so familiar. But before he could catch a better look, the car sped away. Briefly, orbs of smoky grey met pools of midnight black and Chanyeol felt his heart tug.
‘Ah, it was him.’ He realized.
All at once, a flood of emotion rushed past the fences he had set up around his wounded heart. When Suho checked on his young master again through the backview mirror, he was surprisd at the trails of tear that streaked down Chanyeol’s cheek as the young man smiled bitterly.
When he returned to Seoul, Chanyeol found the painting of Ms. Kim he had abandoned a year ago and proceeded to finish it. Three weeks later, on the last day of summer, he married her. As he watched the blushing bride walk down the aisle, Chanyeol felt a pang of loneliness.
Long gone were the happy summer days, and only bittersweet memories were left behind, etched on each of their minds and never to be retold.
---
Chapter 3. 1952 Fall