730 Letters.
730 Letters.
chansoo
Summary:“This is Late Night Whispers, and I am your host Doh Kyungsoo.” Accompanied by the mellow melodies of jazz, Kyungsoo speaks softly into the microphone. "Dear DJ Doh, thank you for reading my letter the other day." / fluff, romance, slice of life, and just a tiny bit of angst /
"This is Late Night Whispers, and I am your host Doh Kyungsoo."
Accompanied by the mellow melodies of jazz, Kyungsoo speaks softly into the microphone. His honey voice is like a cup of hot tea in the chilly spring night, warming up the many tired hearts and wearied souls still awake in the dark. Seoul is a cold city, Kyungsoo thinks, especially when your loved ones are far off.
Different from other shows, Late Night Whispers do not invite any guests or play the latest tunes. Rather it is a show dedicated to the words people find it hard to say, afraid to say or never gotten a chance to say. It is an independent radio show for the nightwalkers distraught by the complications in life and the humans terrified of their inner voices shouting in the silence of the night. Listeners submit letters to the radio show, it must be hand written letters sent by mail mind you, and each night, Kyungsoo reads them out. One by one, for two hours every night, he sits in the small studio and reads out the words scribbled and scripted carefully by someone out there. He unfolds each letter with care and softly, he reads them out.
All of the letters are anonymous and their contents can range from one's deepest, darkest secret to light hearted well-wishing for something small and simple. Kyungsoo always wonders in what state of mind were the senders in when they composed their letters. He wonders what kinds of emotions they feel when they hear their letters being read over the air. He wonders by reading out these letters, is he at least putting someone's mind at ease? Because after all, "letters help the lost to be found and they let the wordless be vocal" he could hear Chanyeol's rumbling voice say. Kyungsoo sincerely believes that as well.
He never quite understood how he became close with Park Chanyeol. They've met through a friend of a friend at a birthday party and weeks later, Kyungsoo found himself meeting up yet again with the happy giant by the Han River. Beer can in hand, they'd talk about scenes and sights, the stars above and the creatures below, and everything and anything that came to mind. Almost exactly opposite of him, Chanyeol is loud, unreserved, expressive and an optimistic person. Most importantly, Chanyeol is always on the move while Kyungsoo preferred to be stationary and remain in one place; if Chanyeol is a leaf drifting in the wind then Kyungoso is a rock at the bottom of the ocean. Perhaps the only thing they shared in common is their interests in each other.
Kyungsoo is not sure why he likes Chanyeol but he just does. He knows because his stomach tingles when their fingers brush and a spring of happiness erupts from the bottom of his heart when their lips touch. He craves for the delicate sensation of skin again skin, the thundering thumps of heartbeats in his ears, and the dreamlike moments in the morning when he awakens to the other's peaceful face. He enjoys listening to Chanyeol's senseless babbles and hearing the taller man call his name over and over again like a broken record player. He likes Chanyeol, but he also knows that his love will go off again one day. He hates that about the other man yet he is still hopelessly in love.
So on the eve of the other's inevitable departure, Kyungsoo sets up his new radio show: Late Night Whispers. Handing a stack of loose paper neatly bind together in a plain white folder, he wanted not to meet the other's concerned gaze. Kyungsoo knows he could not stop Chanyeol from going, so he didn't even try. Perhaps Chanyeol would have done otherwise for him but he'd rather not think about it.
"At least write, will you?" he asked.
"I could send you emails, or text?" Chanyeol bent his head lower and looked straight into Kyungsoo's clear black eyes.
"No, I'd rather you write letters. That is, if you care enough to write." Kyungsoo bit into his lower lip, "Letters are more meaningful."
"Alright then."
That was two years ago. For 730 nights from midnight until 2 a.m., Kyungsoo sits in front of the microphone and reads letters addressed to someone else. During the day, he'd also write letters. But he never sends them for he is unsure where he should be sending them to. How do you get a letter to someone whom you don't even know where is at? So Kyungsoo waits as he reads his listeners' letters every night. He waits for the letter addressed to him. Then, he will send all of the 730 letters out.
"Time sure flies and this will be our last letter of the night." Kyungsoo says and carefully, he opens the white envelope. Smoothing out the folded paper, he notices the smudges of coffee stains in the upper left corner and that makes him smile a little. Softly and steadily, he begins to read out the messy words written in fainted blue ink.
"DJ Doh, first of all, good job."
Kyungsoo smiles wider and he lets out an awkward laugh, "Um... thank you, sender," he replies and continues to read.
"This is a letter to someone whom I'd promise to write to. I really should have written to him a while back, but surprisingly I found it extremely difficult to share my thoughts. That is usually not the case. It is only until recently that I made up my mind to finally say the words I did not say before because I was afraid to say them. I hope he will be able to forgive my foolishness and accept my apologies. Really, I have been so foolish.
When I was nine, I was given my favourite toy at the time as a birthday present. I don't remember what it was exactly anymore, but I remember that at a later time, the toy broke and it could not be repaired. I remember crying a lot because how could something I treasure so much just break like that? My tiny heart was broken. Then perhaps in an effort to console me, my grandfather told me that nothing in this world lasts forever. Naïve and idealistic as a child, I questioned his statement and challenged him that most certainly, love lasts forever, right? Being the pragmatic man he was, he told me most certainly: 'no, love doesn't even last forever because nothing in this world lasts forever.' Three days after our conversation, my grandfather passed away. Since then, I believed that nothing lasts forever, not even love."
Kyungsoo pauses briefly and blinks at the letter in his hand. He feels a sense of familiarity in the style of speech and something in the words tugs incessantly at his heart. He dares not to make assumptions but he also could not stop the erratic pounding in his chest. He hopes that this is just another letter addressed to someone else.
"Then time went on and I set out travelling. I know I just said I believe nothing lasts forever, but really that is a horrible lie. Truthfully, a part of me still believes that there must be something out there that lasts forever! I want forever to exist because if I ever fall in love, I hope we will be in love forever. Despite being an optimist, I am so terrified of getting hurt. Maybe that is why I am an optimist because if I always look on the bright side then I can afford to evade the truth. I can run away from the pain and just say 'hey, everything will be okay.' Obviously, I am just lying to myself. I am not an optimist; I try to be, but in the end I am pretty much just a coward. I crave to be loved, to love, yet I am terrified to actually love because I am afraid that one day when I wake up, love will disappear. If really nothing lasts forever, then why would love, right? Or so I thought. So I drifted from place to place and I left him behind, the only one I've actually loved. I know he also loves me, or at least loved me, but I was so afraid of something I don't even understand that I chose to hurt him instead. It's been two years and I regret every moment of it, ever since I walked away."
Momentarily closing his eyes, Kyungsoo lets silence fill the studio. His hands are shaking. Hot tears are burning the rim of his eyes and overwhelming emotions are clogging his throat. In a romantic drama, he would be feeling happy and special that his lover wrote him a letter for his radio show. But this is real life, and he is Doh Kyungsoo. Instead, he feels angry. How dare Park Chanyeol crash back into his life with a letter on his radio show? Kyungsoo suddenly wants to crumple the letter in his hands and rush out the studio. However, he has an obligation to his listeners to finish reading the letter. So with a wobbly voice and an unsteady tone, he continues.
"And that brings it back to why I am so foolish. At this point, listeners, some of you must be calling me an idiot and DJ Doh, you must also think I am the dumbest person on earth. Perhaps I am. However, you must give me some credit that I have finally come to realize how foolish I am!" Kyungsoo could not help but scoffs, "So, now I hope I will have a chance to redeem myself with the one I love. I want to bring him into my arms, hug him as tight as I can and tell him that I am sorry, thank you, and I love you. I want to tell him that even if we might not last forever, since we will die one day, I am going to believe that it will. Forever, I realize is not something that needs to be validated by science or words from wise, old men. Rather, forever is something you choose to believe in and if it concerns loving you, then I believe in it. If you feel the same way, please meet me today after this show at our old hang out spot. Truly and sincerely, I love you and I pray that you still love me too."
A single tear escapes from Kyungsoo's eyes and begrudgingly, he wipes it away. Quickly wrapping up his show, he plays the familiar ending jazzy melody. Staring blankly at the soundproofing walls, he debates what he should do. Part of him urges him to run to the Han River right now while another part reminds him the pain Chanyeol has put him through in the past two years.
'No contacts, not even an email for two years and suddenly he wants to just waltz back into your life like this?' Kyungsoo likes to think he is no push over.
'But he is Park Chanyeol.' another voice whispers feebly but surely in his head, "You are still in love with him, you know you are.'
He cannot deny that, not even a little bit. Kyungsoo doesn't understand why he is in love with Chanyeol but he just is. He knows because his stomach churns simply from the thoughts of seeing the other's bright eyes, toothy grin and pointy ears again. He craves to be embraced by long lanky arms once more, to hear the sound of steady heartbeats in his ears and to feel hot breath on his neck again. Kyungsoo craves it so bad. So foregoing anymore debates in his head, he grabs the box of 730 letters placed carefully at the corner of his work desk and rushes out of the door into the chilly spring night. Sprinting, as if racing against time, he runs towards the Han River. Puffs of white breath huff out of his red lips and Kyungsoo suddenly feels elevated. Happiness; it always hits when you are least expecting it to.
However, when Chanyeol's lanky figure came into Kyungsoo's view, his previous anger returned in double. Lazily, the tall man leaned against the railing with a can of beer in hand. Facing the calm water, the wind swipes carelessly at his hair and tinted the tip of his nose and ears red. There is a frown on his face as he sips absentmindedly at the bitter alcohol. Feeling surges of anger rush through his body, Kyungsoo marches up to the dazed man.
"Park Chanyeol!"
He screams in anger. Hearing his name being called by the voice he had missed so much, Chanyeol whips his head around in excitement but only to be greeted with hundreds of envelops thrown at his face. A gust of wind picks up and 730 letters fly gracefully in the air, the bright colour of the envelops contrasting softly with the darkness of the night. Stunned, Chanyeol watches as letters after letters fall to the ground like snowflakes. In between the speckles of brightness that contain so much longing and memories, he saw the owner of them all. Merely two feet again, Kyungsoo stood. His eyes wide, brows furrowed and nostrils flared in anger, he glares at Chanyeol and streams of tear dampened his wind-brushed cheeks. Before the other could react, Kyungsoo closes their distance and delivers a swift punch across the tall man's face. Chanyeol stumbles backward and drops the can of beer in his hand.
"Ssss.... Ow, fuck!" he swears loudly and instinctively brings his hand up to cover the fresh cut at the corner of his mouth, "What the hell, Kyungsoo?"
"What the hell?" Kyungsoo questions in return, his voice raspy and shaking, "I should be asking you what the hell, Park Chanyeol! Two years! Two fucking years and you... you..."
His shoulders crumble and choking on the eruptions of emotional sobs, Kyungsoo gasps pitifully. Looking away from Chanyeol, he wipes furiously at the large droplets of tears spilling over the rim of his eyes as he desperately heaves to catch his breath. He did not want Chanyeol to see him like this: vulnerable, weak and so wretchedly in love.
But it was all too late. Chanyeol gawks at a Kyungsoo he is so foreign with. He has never seen the other cry, not even when he left two years ago. In his memory, Kyungsoo was passionate but distant; he was not one to openly show his emotions. Yet for someone so private with their thoughts and feelings, Kyungsoo was crying in front of him now and because of him too. Suddenly, Chanyeol believes that their love has an amazing chance to be forever.
"I love you." he says suddenly and extends his arms out at Kyungsoo, "I love you, Kyungsoo. I am sorry for being such a fool. I... I love you!"
Kyungsoo shakes his head and still crying, he backs away from the taller man whose eyes are shimmering with sincerity. Chanyeol approaches confidently and quickens his pace. Voice firm and unwilling to break their eye contacts, he advances towards Kyungsoo.
"I was a fool and still might be a fool right now, making you cry and all. But won't you take this fool back?" he begs as Kyungsoo backs himself against a tree trunk, "Please, Soo. I want to believe in forever with you."
Slowly, he wraps his lanky arms around Kyungsoo's shivering body and tightly, he hugs him. Breathing softly on his neck and sending shivers of pleasure down Kyungsoo's spine, Chanyeol talks surely but slowly.
"I was lost but now I'm found. I know now that I want to stay with you; I need to stay with you. I want to grow old with you."
Kyungsoo lets out a whimper then he nods. He too, wants to grow old with Chanyeol. He too, wants to believe in forever.
By the Han River on that chilly spring night, two men embraced lovingly and exchanged tender kisses in the shadows of the blooming tress. Steps away, hundreds of letters scatter on the ground, each addressed to a certain Park Chanyeol. Next to the railing, there is a can of spilt beer and another can of unopened beer, as well as a dirty backpack. Inside the backpack, there are a tick stack of letters and each of the letters are addressed to a certain Doh Kyungsoo.
"This is Late Night Whispers, and I am your host Doh Kyungsoo."
The mellow intro of smooth jazz opens the show and Kyungsoo fingers the stack of envelopes in his hand. Chit chatting as usual into the microphone, he opens the first letter and smoothens out the folds. Softly, he begins to read.
"Dear DJ Doh, thank you for reading my letter the other day. I was that idiot who ran away from love. You may be glad to know that my lover has more sense than me and definitely more courage than me, so now we are back together. I cannot tell you how thankful I am and how much it makes me love him even more. Remember how in my last letter I said I realized forever is something I choose to believe in and not something that needs to be validated by others' opinion? Well, I am certain of that now. I know our love will last forever because I can feel it in my bones, coursing through my veins and tingling in my skin. Call me a romantics, but I truly believe so. I love you. I sincerely do."
Kyungsoo smiles fondly at the letter with a smidge of coffee stain in the corner. Gently running over the messy hand writing in fainted blue ink, he replies in earnest.
"Me too."
FIN.