More Strange Symptoms
This morning I woke up with terrible pain in my right jaw. I’ve always had trouble with my right jaw joint. For years, it always cracked as soon as I opened my mouth. Now it feels stiff, like it will soon stop moving altogether. I can’t even chew gum anymore. It’s that bad. As long as I leave my jaw closed though, it doesn’t hurt. So I guess I’ll refrain from eating and will just drink, using a straw.
I don’t know. I am beginning to get majorly fed up with the sheer multitude of my symptoms. And sure, at some stage you start doubting yourself. All of a sudden those accounts of conversion disorder start sounding very much like you. You start questioning your symptoms.
Maybe all of this isn’t real after all. Maybe this is ‘all in your head’ after all. But then I look at the fingers of my right hand again. I watch them gently tremble when I stop typing. Can this be the product of my mind? And then I try to walk. I tell myself to walk normally. I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me, to not be so stupid and pretend as though I cannot walk. But no matter how much I force myself, it’s always the same: my left leg still gives out and I still start felling incredibly weak after I am done walking.
On a different note: my apartment has no warm water this morning. When I went to stand under the shower, an uncomfortably cold drizzle trickled down onto my head. Then, even the drizzle subsided. That was it. Nothing more. No more water. So I guess I’m just not having a shower today. It doesn’t really matter either. I have no plans for today. I’ll simply stay here in my room I guess, waiting for another day to pass by, waiting for my life to waste away.
I don’t know. I am beginning to get majorly fed up with the sheer multitude of my symptoms. And sure, at some stage you start doubting yourself. All of a sudden those accounts of conversion disorder start sounding very much like you. You start questioning your symptoms.
Maybe all of this isn’t real after all. Maybe this is ‘all in your head’ after all. But then I look at the fingers of my right hand again. I watch them gently tremble when I stop typing. Can this be the product of my mind? And then I try to walk. I tell myself to walk normally. I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me, to not be so stupid and pretend as though I cannot walk. But no matter how much I force myself, it’s always the same: my left leg still gives out and I still start felling incredibly weak after I am done walking.
On a different note: my apartment has no warm water this morning. When I went to stand under the shower, an uncomfortably cold drizzle trickled down onto my head. Then, even the drizzle subsided. That was it. Nothing more. No more water. So I guess I’m just not having a shower today. It doesn’t really matter either. I have no plans for today. I’ll simply stay here in my room I guess, waiting for another day to pass by, waiting for my life to waste away.