with teeth
So all i can think about at the moment is Melbourne and starting afresh. It's all that has nearly taken up my whole mind in the last 37 hours or so and it's an idea i cannot let go of, yet the thought of going through with it paralyzes me with fear. I'm starting to understand and realize that the majority of experiences I wish and need to have cannot be fulfilled here in this beautiful city i have become so attached to. It's the typical Adelaidean big-country-city-kid-syndrome where everything has become too accessible, too familiar and too repetitive. I wouldn't go as far as saying that i have outgrown this town, just that i am yearning for things that can't be fulfilled here. Or, maybe they can and i am just not trying hard enough. I don't know. But something is pressing and nagging inside me to push my boundaries. Sure, a lot of people do this incredibly typical mid-twenties move and some might claim Melbourne to just be a bigger, better, more musically accessible and expensive version of Adelaide and not that much change of pace, but i need to start small. The idea of Melbourne is a bit overwhelming to me as i come from a city where i am used to literally walking from one side to the other and everywhere in between all in a few hours, but it's also somewhere approachable as i feel it is a city that would cater to a lot more of my obscure desires and interests. I need something confronting. This year alone i have met with so amazing people and established such wonderful and intense relationships, my social profile/activities have never blossomed more, i have 3 incredibly close friends who are on "soul-mate status" with me and i literally can't go walking through this small city without bumping into someone who makes my heart swell in some familiar and warm way that i cherish - yet a part of me is willing to depart with this, even if it's just for an extended period of time. My mother and sister have such a strong dependency on me (even after moving out of home) and i have such a severe attachment to them both that the thought of leaving them literally makes me sick in the chest and dry in the throat, but i feel that's exactly why i need to make the move. I honestly can't go 20 minutes north of Adelaide without starting to feel insecure, unfamiliar, anxious and incredibly homesick about my familiar territory. Depending on what area i head into, sometimes the home sickness is crippling. I feel like this is something i have to overcome. I feel like i owe it to myself to embrace a whole new routine and way of living, to give myself a chance to see some new sights, make some new friends and hopefully develop some new passions and interests and awaken a creativity inside of me (that has been hibernating for far too long) - even if i don't achieve any life goals in the process. There would be more educational opportunities to expand my limited knowledge of photography, i wouldn't have to miss out on going to see my favorite musicians and performers week after week (don't get me wrong, i love doing the whole interstate road trip to see my favorite bands and song writers {as i shall do so next week for the Flaming Lips} but fuck, i seriously had to miss out on Gutter Twins, Mogwai and Eagles of Death Metal just because of my city's slightly smaller population and slower ticket sales?) and not to mention what a fucking vegan haven it is over there. More and more reasons seems to keep piling up as to why i should go and what makes the idea a bit easier and appealing is knowing that some Adelaide friends of mine have already established themselves there in the last year or so and more slowly seem to be creeping over. I'd move to somewhere like Spain right away if it weren't all for the inevitable isolation i would face upon arrival. It's hard - this needs to be more than just a burning desire for me. it has to be a collection of temporary holds on some relationships, distance between life long friendships and a huge sense of trust that things will be ok with my family. It has to be a few sacrifices, embraces of challenging situations and and a titanium strength of mind. This has to be a real commitment to make it all work some how and an even bigger commitment to just have trust in my life and where it will lead me. Realistically, i wont be able to make the move for another year or so and it's hard to fight the temptation to just pack up and leave right now, but i will not put myself in the situation of arriving in a new city with no home, no employment and no sense of ground or direction like a few of those i know who have crossed over after getting too swept away with the romantic notion of starting over. I want to save money ($10k, if possible) line up a job and a place of residency and not just "figure it out when i get there" and take the risk of just freestyling the whole scenario. If i go through with this, i want it to go as far as it possibly can. I think the cogs have really been set in motion here. Like, truly. I seriously hope i have the courage, depth and fucking guts to go through with this otherwise i know i'll just be kicking myself in the gall bladder if i don't. I'm hoping that posting this will really help confirm it in my mind. I gotta do it, 'cause it will be fucking stealth if i do.
Here's to a plan in my mind that will hopefully come to fruition and something i wont back out of.
In other news:
The most delightful thing arrived in the mail for me today to appease and delight the new obsession i seem to have developed with teeth.
Anything associated with the human mouth intrigues me in the weirdest and most exciting way at the moment. I am absolutely aced about my new purchase.