nnever
I never said goodbye. I never said It's over. I never planed to die, to just roll over. I said Time. I miss the rain for all the time it gave us in bed. I miss coffee and bagels. I miss Italian love songs and sonotas in the morning. I'll leave if I need to, i never wanted to encroach. I'd never keep you from your home.
Everything that I read sounds like you're upset that we're over. I never said that we were over. I don't know what to think. As soon as I get my feet under me, and I get a little bit of finality about what is happening, I find out that you're upset.
Let me get this straight, you can't be with me, but you love me. You can't come home because either I'm in your home, or I was your home, and you don't have a home to come back to. You need time to find yourself. You take my pictures out of your myspace, and put other people in there, but you're upset like it's "burning old love letters."
Can I ask, what did I do but stand by you, even now? All I've wanted is to be there for you, for Monica to do right by Monica, but that is not good enough. So I didn't call after having my chest ripped open yesterday, and you're upset, I am sorry but I need time to process how I feel. I opened up to you, showed you all that I could, even though my very nature screamed that it was a mistake. Took down all of the walls and never knew that you were not doing the same.
I trusted you when you said you would never hurt me. When I said that I couldn't go on being your boyfriend when it's convenient, you became upset. I am sorry being a boyfriend to me is not part-time.
You ask if you can call me and tell me that you love me, that you're in love with me, but we are not together.
I do not know what is going on. I thought that if you were in love with someone and they felt the same that there was something there, an undenyable spark, a connection of souls, but now I'm forced to re-think that. I have been forced to re-think everything, every conversation, every everything.
You feel alone or floating, but I'm stuck here. I live in your mother's home, your home. I wake up every morning and can not open my eyes with out the memory of you assulting me.
So yes I'm silent, thinking. Wondering if anything will ever be the same, if this was the end, if you care, if what I think matters, if I should just let it all go, if everyone was right, if you're being honest with me now, what you want, or if we were just a pipe dream.
We said forever no matter what that we would try but when I look for my feet, all I see anymore is the ground, miles below me and nothing but an empty void staring back at me.
In honesty, honestly I am lost, I am alone. I am confused and I don't know what to do or where to turn, because where I used to turn there are walls, and they say dead end.
I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, or feel anything about me, or to get you back or get back at you. I'm writing it because good or bad it's how I feel.
And I don't expect a reply, so don't feel like you need too, it just needed to be said.
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