(no subject)
So I've been thinking about Matt A LOT lately! Not just thinking about my past relationship with him and wishing things might have turned out different, but just thinking about him. Worrying about him. Praying for him. I guess I tried to convince myself this whole last year that I didn't love him and I threw myself into school, friends, and other things so I wouldn't have to think about him a lot. Now I don't have all of that like last year to throw my energy into and I'm thinking about him all the time. I love him, and always will. He was my first love and the first guy I could honestly trust with my secrets, feelings, and past. He will always be in my heart and I've faced the fact that I will always love him. Not the same way I will for my future husband, but I gave him part of my heart and I can't take that back. I don't WANT to take that back anymore. I thought I did cause I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to feel like a part of me was missing when he and I broke up. But now, the pain is still there at times and I just wish I knew then how much I really did love him. If I knew, things might have been different. I can't change things though and I don't want to take back everything I gave to him. He'll always be special. Now when I think of him, I miss just having him in my life to talk to. I find myself missing the friendship. Not the romance with him. We've been emailing a little more often ever since I found out he's going to Iraq. He comes to Ft. Lewis beginning of November. He's going to let me know as soon as he knows of a day he has off so I can go over and see him. I'm dying to see him! If he gets shipped out before I can see him I'll cry! Just to hear his voice, feel his hug, would mean so much to me! The biggest thing I keep thinking about and praying about is that he finds God. He believes in God, but he doesn't know Him. I'm not close enough to him anymore to show him the way to God though. I just pray that someone is showing him the way. My biggest fear is that something happens to him in Iraq and he dies. Not only am I scared and upset about the thought of never seeing him again if that happens, but what gets me more than any of that is the thought that he won't have accepted Jesus into his life and I won't see him in heaven some day. I just pray night after night for his soul. That he finds Jesus and sees what all He has given to him, and all of us here on earth. That is my prayer for Matt. One thing I know for sure though is that I'm going to have my class put together some kind of package before I'm done with student teaching that I can send to him when he goes overseas. Something for him, to show him that I'm thinking of him and he'll always be in my heart and mind. But also something in the package for him to share with his squad over there. Whether it's pictures the kids draw for the soldiers, or something we make. Just to tell all the men and women over there with Matt that he are in our thoughts and greatly appreciated. I never want any soldier to feel like they're not thought of by the people back at home in the U.S.! For those of you who are Christians, I just ask that you pray for Matt. That he may come to know Christ and also pray for the safety of all of our soldiers over there. Thank you! And God bless!