FURIOUS!
So sequence of high's and lows:
Took a midterm.... low! sucked butt! had no clue what to even study to prepare for it!
Play in childhood class... high! I won a bunny finger puppet! And I got to play Winnie the Pooh Candyland! Yay! This is my one good class this quarter! I love it!
Went to soccer game.... high! didn't win, but it was still fun. Mandy went this time so it was super cool! ;) and then dinner with staff was cool.... as usual!
Shopping for program..... high... until it became a MAJOR low! Mandy and I had fun shopping and spending lots of money for painting flower pots for mother's day. Although we get in line, I don't notice who was in front of us in line. Then this guy bends down, picks up a glasses case and looks at me and asks if it's mine.... i look him in the eyes and i have never had my whole body just freeze and my insides shut down. I couldn't believe that I had just looked the guy who raped me 3 years ago straight in the eyes and he didn't even blink! I told Mandy afterwards that it was him and we talked about it. I was surprisingly calm. Got in my room. Called Nicole and told her to just talk to me... I was gonna go crazy if I didn't tell her about it and just talk about ANYTHING else but him. Got off the phone, realized how upset I was. Went up to Mandy's room... she knew I was upset (I love that about friends!) and we went into her room and I just screamed. I threw my keys across the room and just yelled. That's the first time I have done that since that night 3 years ago. I have never been THIS angry before! He looked me in the f'ing eyes! He had NO CLUE who I was! That's the part that kills me! WHY does he get to forget about me, and I HAVE to think about once a week.... or more! Why does he get to live his life and when he runs into me... it means NOTHING! And I have to live my life and when I see him.... it brings pain all over again! I don't want to shed another tear over this guy cause he's the scum of the earth! But he took something from me that I can never get back. Not just physically, but emotionally. He took every ounce of control I had in my life. It took me almost 2 years to feel like I had that control back. And every time I see him... and especially tonight when I looked him in the eyes... it felt like he just took it right back again. I have never actually wished harm on someone and meant it.... until now! I know that God says to forgive. I can't! I pray about it all the time... but I don't know how I am supposed to forgive him.
Painting mother's day pots.... high! Nicole came and hung out with us and we watched the Finale of Friends during the program. My pot turned out.... alright. And we made one for Ms. Gini!
Mandy left me a present.... high! She left me her stuffed giraffe to sleep with for comfort. I had a million teddy bears, but having her do that one kind thing, made me feel a millions times better! I love her dearly for that!
A friend just came and talked with me about everything.... high! Even though he was mad and I was mad about the whole rape thing, it was great to just have him there. He just held me, he prayed with me, it was the best feeling of security I've felt in a long time and I really needed it tonight.
I didn't finish my psy paper.... low! we'll see if I can get up early enough to do it in the morning before class. If not, I don't know what to do. I couldn't focus on it at all tonight because of things. I might end up having to tell my prof about it otherwise I won't be able to turn it in... and that won't be good! I need all the points I can get! We'll see!
Took a midterm.... low! sucked butt! had no clue what to even study to prepare for it!
Play in childhood class... high! I won a bunny finger puppet! And I got to play Winnie the Pooh Candyland! Yay! This is my one good class this quarter! I love it!
Went to soccer game.... high! didn't win, but it was still fun. Mandy went this time so it was super cool! ;) and then dinner with staff was cool.... as usual!
Shopping for program..... high... until it became a MAJOR low! Mandy and I had fun shopping and spending lots of money for painting flower pots for mother's day. Although we get in line, I don't notice who was in front of us in line. Then this guy bends down, picks up a glasses case and looks at me and asks if it's mine.... i look him in the eyes and i have never had my whole body just freeze and my insides shut down. I couldn't believe that I had just looked the guy who raped me 3 years ago straight in the eyes and he didn't even blink! I told Mandy afterwards that it was him and we talked about it. I was surprisingly calm. Got in my room. Called Nicole and told her to just talk to me... I was gonna go crazy if I didn't tell her about it and just talk about ANYTHING else but him. Got off the phone, realized how upset I was. Went up to Mandy's room... she knew I was upset (I love that about friends!) and we went into her room and I just screamed. I threw my keys across the room and just yelled. That's the first time I have done that since that night 3 years ago. I have never been THIS angry before! He looked me in the f'ing eyes! He had NO CLUE who I was! That's the part that kills me! WHY does he get to forget about me, and I HAVE to think about once a week.... or more! Why does he get to live his life and when he runs into me... it means NOTHING! And I have to live my life and when I see him.... it brings pain all over again! I don't want to shed another tear over this guy cause he's the scum of the earth! But he took something from me that I can never get back. Not just physically, but emotionally. He took every ounce of control I had in my life. It took me almost 2 years to feel like I had that control back. And every time I see him... and especially tonight when I looked him in the eyes... it felt like he just took it right back again. I have never actually wished harm on someone and meant it.... until now! I know that God says to forgive. I can't! I pray about it all the time... but I don't know how I am supposed to forgive him.
Painting mother's day pots.... high! Nicole came and hung out with us and we watched the Finale of Friends during the program. My pot turned out.... alright. And we made one for Ms. Gini!
Mandy left me a present.... high! She left me her stuffed giraffe to sleep with for comfort. I had a million teddy bears, but having her do that one kind thing, made me feel a millions times better! I love her dearly for that!
A friend just came and talked with me about everything.... high! Even though he was mad and I was mad about the whole rape thing, it was great to just have him there. He just held me, he prayed with me, it was the best feeling of security I've felt in a long time and I really needed it tonight.
I didn't finish my psy paper.... low! we'll see if I can get up early enough to do it in the morning before class. If not, I don't know what to do. I couldn't focus on it at all tonight because of things. I might end up having to tell my prof about it otherwise I won't be able to turn it in... and that won't be good! I need all the points I can get! We'll see!